Day: January 24 Sunday 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day: calm near the end…then
realized it wasn’t a serene calm but a crushing anxiety
Weather: 44˚-56˚ slightly cloudy
What I ate
-Morning: N/A
-Noon: egg muffin sandwich 2PM
-Night: pot roast 6PM
-Snack: popcorn around 2:30ishPM brownie around 5PM and later
Menstrual: N/A
Who I was with: Ryan until 9:30PM
When I was alone: up until 1:30ishPM and after 9:30
Stressors [depressed]: family (grandma, grandpa, cousins) was
going to come over but because of a murder my grandpa witnessed they need to
stay, Catie packed everything and left, first day of school it tomorrow.
Contributors [happy]: Ryan coming over, dressing up a little
bit
Dreams: bizarre dreams about animals and pets, I don’t
remember much except I really wanted a cat (or dog) that was pure white or pure
black, would have asked for a pet rat if my parents didn’t hate rats
Sleep: Went to bed after 12:40AM (had planned to go to bed
around 10:30PM but got to distracted) and woke up several times like 8:15AM
(had planned to get up at this time) and 9:15AM but officially woke around or
before 11:40 and got up around 11:50AM
Moon Phase: full moon
Illness: N/A
What I feel: I’m feeling somber or a bit numb. I thought I’d
either be excited or anxious because school starts tomorrow and that it is a
full moon (and now I am sad that I did nothing for the full moon). I guess I
have a bit of a heavy feeling in my chest right now. Got to remind myself that
I need to get up and go tomorrow, no buts. Am I starting to get depressed
again? Because school is starting and I started a job? Maybe my brain is
worried and anxious, not ready for what’s about to come and just about to shut
down feelings and desires. It just wants to feel when Ryan is around but not
long really for much else. It concerns me that I’m going to go back to before
and not do homework. Not pass any of my tests. Just sleep all the time and say “forget
the world.” Perhaps over thinking is my problem. I have the tendency to get
fixated on some things and pretty much obsess over things. I just keep
thinking. And thinking. Non stop. Then, I think about other things that
contribute to my insecurities and things that make me upset. These thoughts,
these things, they come out of no where, but seem to be triggered by the
slightest thing. When I was at a concert, I saw how talented of singers and performers
they were and cried that I was mediocre if even that. I keep over thinking
things, and sometimes I wish it would all just stop. I suppose I am upset with
myself with how my room is. I haven’t changed my calendar, hell, I haven’t even
finish marking all the days off December. And don’t get me started on my pile
of clothes I have to hang up. I wanted to try to sleep by 10:30PM. It’s now
passed 11:50PM. If I am in a depressed state of mind, waking up will be harder
than usual. Well shit… It’s not passed 1:10AM and I have come to realize that
it was anxiety that I actually was feeling early. That heavy feeling. It was no
“serene” or “at peace” in me, it was that feeling that will keep me awake. I
will still try my best to sleep. I will keep trying, and hoping. I know it will
work eventually, just sooner is better than later.
Shopping Spree: N/A
Started Projects: N/A
Continued Projects: editing pictures and posting on art blog
Canceled Projects: N/A
Finished Projects: N/A
Homework: N/A
Tests: N/A
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