Day: January 30 Saturday 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day: This early morning, probably a
little before 12:45AM, I was just so angry, embarrassed, violated, and it all
just felt so unfair. I was so close to messaging Travis a very nasty text, but
instead messaged Ryan in hopes that he’ll Skype with me. I missed him by just
15min, and so I fell asleep waiting to see if he’ll come back on soon. When I
woke up, I still had my feelings of being upset, but I couldn’t go back to
sleep because my body wouldn’t allow me, I couldn’t talk about it with anyone
because everyone was asleep, and I couldn’t get out of bed because it was too
early. I was stuck with my feelings and feeling awake and aware of them. my
only salvation was doing my check-ins on my phone app and surfing the internet.
And when I had finally fallen asleep again hours later, when I woke up, I was still
upset. I hated it. I didn’t want to go out, and I certainly don’t want to see
Travis for awhile, but I want him to know why. I almost feel like sending
Travis a link to this after I post this.
Weather: 45˚-57˚ partly cloudy
What I ate
-Morning: N/A
-Noon: cereal 12:30PM
-Night: steak and potatoes 6:30PM
-Snack: wings and fries 6:15PM
Menstrual: N/A
Who I was with: mom 11:40PM-12:20PM, dad 12:40PM-12:35PM, mom
12:35PM-12:40PM, family and dinner/musical 5:00PM-11:00PM
When I was alone: 12:40PM-
Stressors [depressed]: going to a musical when I don’t want
to, Ryan missing my message when I had a meltdown, worrying Ryan, feeling I
wasn’t there for Opal so I felt bad about messaging him, insomnia, being alone
with my thoughts when I couldn’t fall asleep, couldn’t stop crying
Contributors [happy]: Ryan said he’d message me tonight
Dreams: I cannot remember.
Sleep: I first fell asleep some time after 1AM, but then I
woke up before 5AM. I couldn’t fall back to sleep but it was too early to get
out of bed. I eventually fell asleep around 7:15AM and woke up around 8:15,
then fell back to sleep to wake up some time around 10AM but didn’t get out of
bed until late 11AM.
Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous
Illness: N/A
What I feel: I sorta had a meltdown at some point around 1AM,
and then I fell asleep waiting for Ryan to message me back, but I woke up
before 5AM and couldn't fall back asleep because of insomnia but I was still
bothered by my previous meltdown and then I felt like I was being a bother to
Ryan and everything could become a reason to be upset with myself, so I felt
bad if I started to talk to Opal about my current problem when I wasn't really
there for him yesterday. So essentially I was struggling even more because it
was too late to bother people to talk about my problems but too early to get
out of bed, so I was alone with my thoughts and they just got progressively
worse. I think telling Travika might have been one of my triggers to send me
over the top because of how they reacted to Ryan and me telling them about us.
They reacted VERY well, in fact, they fucking claimed that they knew from day
one. That they saw it coming from a mile away. Apparently there was rumors or
something. But it almost feels like people know shit about my relationship
before I even do. Ryan knew for over a month that they were gonna break up with
me, and then their closer friends knew for god knows how long, and they all
must have been looking at me like "have they done it yet?" And the
Travis is such a fucking sneak who tells so many secrets behind people's back,
for all I know Erika could have known that I knew about the breakup, and knew
that he helped setup us becoming a triad. Yeah, I'll share some secrets about
others, but it's ONLY to people I’m very close with and trust and it's hardly about
other people's personal dirty laundry. But the very first day he met me, he
told me Erika was a rape victim. Not even she has told me that. That's why I'm
thinking, "what has he told others about me?" I know I'm an open book
for the most part, but what might he have told people? I'm just...I just was
feeling so embarrassed and angry and violated. And maybe he lied about knowing,
or something. Because if he fucking knew and was still messaging me that shit
over break...well fucking Christ... Last night...it was so fucking hard not to
message him a long nasty text, calling him a sneak and threatening to tell
Erika some things we sorta did "behind her back" if he hadn't told
her behind mine already, and just all these other things. Because when you
think about it, if he tells her the truth, she'll trust him more to be honest
even about stuff like that. But then I'll just be sitting their thinking it's
our fucking secret (but I had planned to tell her once we got serious). I knew
Opal was awake and would lend me a hand when the meltdown started, but I felt
bad cuz I wasn't there for him yesterday. Besides, I wanted to tell Ryan, and I
didn't want to type, I wanted to video call and actually say it. And I probably
worried Ryan's head off after he saw all my messages this morning. He offered
to Skype me then and there, but we both had to leave soon and I knew I would
cry and didn't need my family asking questions, so we agreed to do it when we
get home. I didn't want to tell Ryan too much before tonight so I had said
"I was in a dangerous place last night, really close to making a bad and
cruel mistake. I was just feeling so embarrassed and violated and it didn't
seem fair, and I almost took it out on the person I blame for making me feel
that way, but then I was stuck with those feelings and the inability to go back
to sleep." And then he probably thought I might have been talking about
him, so I reassured him that he did nothing wrong and it was someone else
completely. And he felt so bad he wasn't online when I messaged him and wasn't
there for me, but I reassured him that wasn't his fault. He couldn't have known
I'd have a meltdown an hour after seeing him. Insomnia is a special sort of
hell: no one is awake with you and you can't go back to sleep, so you have to
face your demons all alone and wide awake stuck in bed with nowhere to go and
no one to turn to. I had a headache most of the night and evening. We went out
to dinner and to a show, which I really didn’t want to go nor cared to go to,
but I tried being grateful. Bunny got into a scream fest on the way home as I
sat next to her with my headache.
Shopping Spree: N/A
Started Projects: N/A
Continued Projects: N/A
Canceled Projects: N/A
Finished Projects: N/A
Homework: math due Tuesday 2/2 (done), gender comm due Tuesday
2/2
Tests: N/A
Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes
No comments:
Post a Comment