Mood Journal {Naps Are Lovely}

Day: January 31 Sunday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: been calm but energetic though was able to doze off at some point in the afternoon, got very excited when it hailed and almost ran outside to dance in it but waited for Ryan so ended up missing it

Weather: 40˚-56˚ cloudy, slight hail, windy

What I ate

-Morning: waffles

-Noon: steak and potatoes

-Night: taquitos

-Snack: French toast, chicken breast on an English muffin

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: Ryan 12:15PM-10:25PM

When I was alone: before 12PM

Stressors [depressed]: school and work tomorrow

Contributors [happy]: Ryan came over, nap in lover’s arms (one of the nicest things is waking up in the arms of the one you love), hail, weather

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: 1:15AM-10:30AM (slight nap during the day, probably before 5:30PM)

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I’m feeling calmish, but a bit restless. I wish I could spend the night with Ryan. Waking in the arms of someone you love is just the nicest feeling. We slightly dozed off while cuddling, and that was just so great. I didn’t fall asleep for very long though because I feel relatively energetic and awake.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/2 (done), gender comm due Tuesday 2/2

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

  

Mood Journal {Hell Hath no Fury For a Woman Scorned}

Day: January 30 Saturday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: This early morning, probably a little before 12:45AM, I was just so angry, embarrassed, violated, and it all just felt so unfair. I was so close to messaging Travis a very nasty text, but instead messaged Ryan in hopes that he’ll Skype with me. I missed him by just 15min, and so I fell asleep waiting to see if he’ll come back on soon. When I woke up, I still had my feelings of being upset, but I couldn’t go back to sleep because my body wouldn’t allow me, I couldn’t talk about it with anyone because everyone was asleep, and I couldn’t get out of bed because it was too early. I was stuck with my feelings and feeling awake and aware of them. my only salvation was doing my check-ins on my phone app and surfing the internet. And when I had finally fallen asleep again hours later, when I woke up, I was still upset. I hated it. I didn’t want to go out, and I certainly don’t want to see Travis for awhile, but I want him to know why. I almost feel like sending Travis a link to this after I post this.

Weather: 45˚-57˚ partly cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: N/A

-Noon: cereal 12:30PM

-Night: steak and potatoes 6:30PM

-Snack: wings and fries 6:15PM

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: mom 11:40PM-12:20PM, dad 12:40PM-12:35PM, mom 12:35PM-12:40PM, family and dinner/musical 5:00PM-11:00PM

When I was alone: 12:40PM-

Stressors [depressed]: going to a musical when I don’t want to, Ryan missing my message when I had a meltdown, worrying Ryan, feeling I wasn’t there for Opal so I felt bad about messaging him, insomnia, being alone with my thoughts when I couldn’t fall asleep, couldn’t stop crying

Contributors [happy]: Ryan said he’d message me tonight

Dreams: I cannot remember.

Sleep: I first fell asleep some time after 1AM, but then I woke up before 5AM. I couldn’t fall back to sleep but it was too early to get out of bed. I eventually fell asleep around 7:15AM and woke up around 8:15, then fell back to sleep to wake up some time around 10AM but didn’t get out of bed until late 11AM.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I sorta had a meltdown at some point around 1AM, and then I fell asleep waiting for Ryan to message me back, but I woke up before 5AM and couldn't fall back asleep because of insomnia but I was still bothered by my previous meltdown and then I felt like I was being a bother to Ryan and everything could become a reason to be upset with myself, so I felt bad if I started to talk to Opal about my current problem when I wasn't really there for him yesterday. So essentially I was struggling even more because it was too late to bother people to talk about my problems but too early to get out of bed, so I was alone with my thoughts and they just got progressively worse. I think telling Travika might have been one of my triggers to send me over the top because of how they reacted to Ryan and me telling them about us. They reacted VERY well, in fact, they fucking claimed that they knew from day one. That they saw it coming from a mile away. Apparently there was rumors or something. But it almost feels like people know shit about my relationship before I even do. Ryan knew for over a month that they were gonna break up with me, and then their closer friends knew for god knows how long, and they all must have been looking at me like "have they done it yet?" And the Travis is such a fucking sneak who tells so many secrets behind people's back, for all I know Erika could have known that I knew about the breakup, and knew that he helped setup us becoming a triad. Yeah, I'll share some secrets about others, but it's ONLY to people I’m very close with and trust and it's hardly about other people's personal dirty laundry. But the very first day he met me, he told me Erika was a rape victim. Not even she has told me that. That's why I'm thinking, "what has he told others about me?" I know I'm an open book for the most part, but what might he have told people? I'm just...I just was feeling so embarrassed and angry and violated. And maybe he lied about knowing, or something. Because if he fucking knew and was still messaging me that shit over break...well fucking Christ... Last night...it was so fucking hard not to message him a long nasty text, calling him a sneak and threatening to tell Erika some things we sorta did "behind her back" if he hadn't told her behind mine already, and just all these other things. Because when you think about it, if he tells her the truth, she'll trust him more to be honest even about stuff like that. But then I'll just be sitting their thinking it's our fucking secret (but I had planned to tell her once we got serious). I knew Opal was awake and would lend me a hand when the meltdown started, but I felt bad cuz I wasn't there for him yesterday. Besides, I wanted to tell Ryan, and I didn't want to type, I wanted to video call and actually say it. And I probably worried Ryan's head off after he saw all my messages this morning. He offered to Skype me then and there, but we both had to leave soon and I knew I would cry and didn't need my family asking questions, so we agreed to do it when we get home. I didn't want to tell Ryan too much before tonight so I had said "I was in a dangerous place last night, really close to making a bad and cruel mistake. I was just feeling so embarrassed and violated and it didn't seem fair, and I almost took it out on the person I blame for making me feel that way, but then I was stuck with those feelings and the inability to go back to sleep." And then he probably thought I might have been talking about him, so I reassured him that he did nothing wrong and it was someone else completely. And he felt so bad he wasn't online when I messaged him and wasn't there for me, but I reassured him that wasn't his fault. He couldn't have known I'd have a meltdown an hour after seeing him. Insomnia is a special sort of hell: no one is awake with you and you can't go back to sleep, so you have to face your demons all alone and wide awake stuck in bed with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I had a headache most of the night and evening. We went out to dinner and to a show, which I really didn’t want to go nor cared to go to, but I tried being grateful. Bunny got into a scream fest on the way home as I sat next to her with my headache.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/2 (done), gender comm due Tuesday 2/2

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes 

Mood Journal {Date Time and Vintage Dress}

Day: January 29 Friday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: can’t really recall much

Weather: 50˚-63˚ slight rain, mainly cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: egg muffin sandwich 12:05PM

-Noon: N/A

-Night: chili

-Snack: popcorn

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: Mom 11ishAM-12:40ishPM, Ryan 1:40PM-11:50PM, Travika and others 1:55PM-2:00PM

When I was alone: before and/or around 11ishAM, after 11:50PM

Stressors [depressed]: telling Travika about Ryan and me but them already knowing, spending money, concerning Ryan

Contributors [happy]: date with Ryan, pretty vintage dress that fit me perfectly, going to Niles

Dreams: had several nightmares or disturbing and bizarre dreams

Sleep: went to bed around 8:30PM, but fell asleep close to 9:00PM. Woke up several times 3:13AM, 5:15AM, 8:15AM, (there might have been a few more times, but I don’t know or remember the actual times, plus, it was hard falling back asleep) and then 10:40AM when I finally got up.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I’m relatively tired. I’m happy I got to go to Niles with Ryan and spend time with him. I had a good time. Although, I guess I look sad. Ryan kept asking me throughout the day with I was OK or if I am sad. Suppose I do feel down, and I feel bad for concerning him, but I was and did have a good time on top of that.

Shopping Spree: bought a very nice and sorta pricey vintage dress (almost bought other things from other antique stores, but was sorta persuaded away from by Ryan)

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/2 (done), gender comm due Tuesday 2/2

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

  

Mood Journal {SLEEEEP}

Day: January 28 Thursday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: irratible but because of tiredness

Weather: 54˚-62˚ slightly cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: cereal 6:15AM

-Noon: around 12:30PM I bought a bunch of food because I was really hungry, but by the time I sat down to eat I wasn’t hungry any more so I only ate a few fries (I kept my quesadillas for later)

-Night: chili 8:20PM

-Snack: toast before 4:30PM few bites of bagel after 5:00PM

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 7:30AM-9:00AM class, 9:00AM-9:30AM friends and Ryan, 10:30AM-11:20AM therapy appointment, 12:00PM-1:40PM friends (Chloe was there during the first half), 1:40-2:00PM friends and Ryan, 2:30PM-6:30PM babysitting

When I was alone: 7:30PM on onwards

Stressors [depressed]: none that I can think of

Contributors [happy]: date with Ryan tomorrow

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: I was dead tired by 9PM, so I went to bed then, but the moment my head hit my pillow, I was wide awake. I couldn’t fall asleep until after 11:45PM and woke up around 5:15AM and got up around 6AM.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: tired. I feel like asking the youngest if I took a nap if he’d wake me up when his brothers come home 3:00PM. I was hyper this morning, but sometime around 12PM, I just crashed on energy level. It was all gone. And now, I’m heading to bed despite it being 8:30.

Shopping Spree: I bought a bunch of food and didn’t give a s**t about the price (I even got dessert and a drink even though that wasn’t necessary cuz I brought a drink)

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: YYDIN

Canceled Projects:  N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/2 (done), gender comm due Tuesday 2/2 (partially done, I have 2 more things to do)

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes 

Mood Journal {Just Want To Sleep}

Day: January 27 Wednesday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather: 46˚-65˚ slightly cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: cereal 10:30ishAM

-Noon: N/A

-Night: wings 8:00PM

-Snack: English muffin with butter 4:25PM toast 4:50PM

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: mom 10:45AM-11:00AM, class 12:45-2:20 class

When I was alone: home to bus 11:00AM-12:45PM

Stressors [depressed]: babysitting (boys being disobedient and not listening, walking over me)

Contributors [happy]: medicine didn’t really affect me

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: went to bed around 10:00PM but fell asleep close to 10:30PM. At one point woke up around 12:00AM and then fell asleep after 12:30AM. Woke up around 9:45AM and got out of bed close to 10:00AM. Not willing to deal with the boys s**t right now. A little on the grumpy side, so I’m gonna be assertive today. And I don’t mean I’m being mean or unnecessarily cold, I mean, they misbehave, there are consequences. I’ll try not to kill them. No being a pushover tomorrow. No means no and I won’t let them walk over me. It’s 8:55PM now and I just want to sleep.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I really didn’t want to get out of bed or shower. I’m a little worried that my medicine might make me feel sick again. But no matter what, I’m persevering through the day (11:05AM).

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Thursday 1/28 (done), gender comm due Tuesday 2/2 (partially done, I have 2 more things to do)

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes 

Mood Journal {Overpowered By the Mind}

Day: January 26 Thursday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: guilt, agitated, and shame in the morning. Depression, overwhelmed, and frustration in the noon to night.

Weather: 45˚-66˚

What I ate

-Morning: bowl of cereal 6:15AM

-Noon: N/A

-Night: rice and a few wings 8:30PM

-Snack: N/A

NOTES: NEVER DO ROCKSTAR AND DRUGS AGAIN

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: class 7:30AM-9AM, Ryan 9:30AM-9:40AM class 9:45AM-11:20AM, 11:20-7:00PM friends and Ryan and Chloe and Doc, 7:00PM-8:00PM my dad, 8:00PM-8:30PM my mom

When I was alone: 8:30PM and after

Stressors [depressed]: almost passed out, got upset with Ryan for no reason, missed work, made Catie worry about me, my mom told me that she’s disappointed in me deciding to take medication, medication made me feel a bit ill

Contributors [happy]: Catie is doing good in LA, got to spend time with Ryan

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: 10:30PM to 5:45AM

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I felt really bad and guilty for feeling upset with Ryan even though I didn’t tell or show him I was so I apologized to him this morning and told him why I apologized even though I didn’t actually do anything bad or mean to him. I got sorta agitated with my first class because I just wanted to do the work and ignore the lecture because I knew what I was doing and what not. I almost passed out in class around 10ishAM cuz I was lightheaded so I’m a bit embarrassed by that. I feel really bad because I’m not going to work today and I kinda let my boss know late notice. (9:30PM) I am very easily distracted and zoning out a bit, it took me a while just to come back to the journaling in the middle of this sentence. I feel stupid for drinking the rockstar when I had taken medication, but at least I did other things to keep hydrated and whenever I was lightheaded, I went to lay down and drunk water. My mom says she is disappointed in me for deciding to take medication. The only real reasons she gave were that there are other methods and “once you’re on medication, you can’t get off.” But 1. I am not JUST taking pills, I am doing talk therapy too. And it’s a small dosage as well. And then 2. I’m not worried about “getting off” the medication. That is for future-me to worry about. Right now, I just want whatever is gonna help me not feel like shit and keep me from falling behind. I was hoping that she would be proud of me for taking steps necessary to help myself. I’m not doing this to be special or cool or anything like that. I’ve been doing therapy for over 4 years now, and I’ve still been failing classes. And I still feel like shit. It’s not enough and I just want to help myself. I’m not doing this for any other purpose but to take care of myself. That’s all I want. To not fall apart or fall behind. I could and should be doing better than I am. I don’t encourage drinking alcohol or taking drugs if you weren’t prescribed them. I just want help. That’s all. And now I’m crying, perfect.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: YYDIN (Yay! You Did It! Notes)

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: psych due Wednesday 1/27 (which is done) math due Thursday 1/28, gender comm due Tuesday 2/2 (partially done, I have 2 more things to do)

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

  

Mood Journal {Crying and Sleep}

Day: January 25, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: getting hard anxiety early 11AM (possibly from friend feeling anxious and then I have class and depressed about some classes I am not/cannot take), I feel kinda snippy and pissy and kinda like snapping at someone I’m not going to but I feel like it and came close to at 11:20AM, I’m feeling kinda depressed and antisocial right now I don’t want to be around people cuz they’re making me feel anxious 11:25AM, I have a burning feeling in my gut and I hate it 11:30AM, I have an urge to cry and I have no idea why I just sorta feel upset and frustrated and unhappy at 11:40AM, felt less anxious got excited cuz of friend 12PM, somewhere between 12:45PM and 1:30PM I got a headache and couldn’t focus on anything, I was frustrated a bit with my dad around 8:20PM because he said that he doesn’t think I need pills, I also felt really tired and wanted to crawl into a pit and sleep, around 8:30PM I once again fought the urge to cry, and by 9PM I did cry

Weather: 45˚-61˚

What I ate

-Morning: French toast around 10ishAM

-Noon: N/A

-Night: 3 slices of pizza around 9PM

-Snack: muffin and brownie 3PM bowl of rice 9:30PM

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 9:50AM-12:45PM friends, class 12:45PM-2:20PM, 3:00PM-6:50PM boys, dad 6:50OM-9:00PM

When I was alone: 9PM until now

Stressors [depressed]: first day of school, complications of telling Travis and Erika something, feeling uneasy or upset around my ex’s (Travis and Erika) and some of their friends that I’m not terribly close with, missing on getting Ryan to meet Chloe, my dad saying he doesn’t think I need pills

Contributors [happy]: seeing Chloe, getting medication

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: Wanted to go to bed around 10:30PM, couldn’t actually fall asleep until after 2AM. Woke up by 7AM.

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I feel because I'm not suicidal or want to harm myself that people don't take it seriously or something. But it is a serious problem for me I hate feeling the way I do, and then there's the failing classes or missing classes, not doing as well as I could do, that I should do. I was very anxious this morning without much reason. I was just crying not too long ago after I've been trying not to cry several times today. I had this headache during psych and I just couldn't focus on anything. I'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and SO so tired. The only things that really sound nice to me are crying and sleep. I didn't even have a bad day or bad luck. Most of the night I've been disliking myself and who I am and feeling bad and like I'm an ungrateful burden that my family has to waste time and money on. I don’t know why, but I’m upset with Ryan, which I REALLY don’t want to be. He hasn’t done anything wrong but I’m upset so I feel upset with him, and that’s not fair to him. I just don’t want to message him back or care if I even see him tomorrow or not. Tomorrow I just wanna curl up all day in Hyman Hall and say fuck the cafeteria. I know I should go to the cafeteria to let my friends know about the Hyman Hall thing, but I don’t want to.

Shopping Spree: N/A (but came very close to buying dough, I also did take uber)

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: N/A

Tests: N/A 

Mood Journal {Thinking on the Numbness}

Day: January 24 Sunday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: calm near the end…then realized it wasn’t a serene calm but a crushing anxiety

Weather: 44˚-56˚ slightly cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: N/A

-Noon: egg muffin sandwich 2PM

-Night: pot roast 6PM

-Snack: popcorn around 2:30ishPM brownie around 5PM and later

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: Ryan until 9:30PM

When I was alone: up until 1:30ishPM and after 9:30

Stressors [depressed]: family (grandma, grandpa, cousins) was going to come over but because of a murder my grandpa witnessed they need to stay, Catie packed everything and left, first day of school it tomorrow.

Contributors [happy]: Ryan coming over, dressing up a little bit

Dreams: bizarre dreams about animals and pets, I don’t remember much except I really wanted a cat (or dog) that was pure white or pure black, would have asked for a pet rat if my parents didn’t hate rats

Sleep: Went to bed after 12:40AM (had planned to go to bed around 10:30PM but got to distracted) and woke up several times like 8:15AM (had planned to get up at this time) and 9:15AM but officially woke around or before 11:40 and got up around 11:50AM

Moon Phase: full moon

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I’m feeling somber or a bit numb. I thought I’d either be excited or anxious because school starts tomorrow and that it is a full moon (and now I am sad that I did nothing for the full moon). I guess I have a bit of a heavy feeling in my chest right now. Got to remind myself that I need to get up and go tomorrow, no buts. Am I starting to get depressed again? Because school is starting and I started a job? Maybe my brain is worried and anxious, not ready for what’s about to come and just about to shut down feelings and desires. It just wants to feel when Ryan is around but not long really for much else. It concerns me that I’m going to go back to before and not do homework. Not pass any of my tests. Just sleep all the time and say “forget the world.” Perhaps over thinking is my problem. I have the tendency to get fixated on some things and pretty much obsess over things. I just keep thinking. And thinking. Non stop. Then, I think about other things that contribute to my insecurities and things that make me upset. These thoughts, these things, they come out of no where, but seem to be triggered by the slightest thing. When I was at a concert, I saw how talented of singers and performers they were and cried that I was mediocre if even that. I keep over thinking things, and sometimes I wish it would all just stop. I suppose I am upset with myself with how my room is. I haven’t changed my calendar, hell, I haven’t even finish marking all the days off December. And don’t get me started on my pile of clothes I have to hang up. I wanted to try to sleep by 10:30PM. It’s now passed 11:50PM. If I am in a depressed state of mind, waking up will be harder than usual. Well shit… It’s not passed 1:10AM and I have come to realize that it was anxiety that I actually was feeling early. That heavy feeling. It was no “serene” or “at peace” in me, it was that feeling that will keep me awake. I will still try my best to sleep. I will keep trying, and hoping. I know it will work eventually, just sooner is better than later.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: editing pictures and posting on art blog

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: N/A

Tests: N/A 

Mood Journal {Brain a Little Too Active}

Day: January 23, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: rather antisocial all day, irritable and agitated after 9PM

Weather: 44˚-56˚ heavy rain in the morning, cloudy most of the day

What I ate

-Morning: N/A

-Noon: one and a half slices of pizza 1pm or 2pm and the half and other slice of pizza around 4pm

-Night: pot pie around 8PM?

-Snack: few pieces of candy probably around late 8PM/early 9PM egg muffin sandwich after 11:30PM

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: family for few split seconds at certain points of day, but not very long or many

When I was alone: most of the day

Stressors [depressed]: couldn’t find something

Contributors [happy]: rain, finally found something I’ve been looking for a while now, video chat with Ryan, Rune and Tarot reading

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: went to be around 3:40AM woke up somewhere between 12PM and 12:30PM

Moon Phase: waxing gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I’ve calmed now, but for a while I was feeling very hyper, active, irritable, agitated, and distracted. For a while I was very focused, but then my mind couldn’t focus on just one thing anymore and my attention was just drawn to everything. I’ve been very antisocial and not really wanting to interact with anyone (well, besides Ryan over video chat).

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: editing pictures and posting on art blog

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework:  N/A

Tests: N/A

Mood Journal {Distracted by Love? HAH yeah right…} 01/22/16

Day: January 22, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: rather down until 5ishPM and noticeably so around 4ishPM (Ryan asked if I was OK because I seemed depressed) somewhat irritated around 5ishPM pretty hyper (dancing around room and lip-syncing by myself) at night around 11PM

Weather: 50˚-61˚ slightly rainy during day, rain hard near the end of the night for a little while

What I ate

-Morning: N/A

-Noon: after 4:30ish had soup

-Night: small slice of pizza probably around 10ishPM

-Snack: brownie 4ishPM cinnamon French toast and BBQ wings around 7ishPM

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: mother in early noon (2:50PM-3ishPM), Catie around mid noon (3:30PM-4PM), Ryan in late noon (4PM) until night (early 11PM)

When I was alone: shortly after I woke I was alone for a little and then after Ryan left

Stressors [depressed]: hearing news about my cousin experiencing anorexia and doing “rebellious” things (skipping class, wrong group of friends)

Contributors [happy]: rain, Ryan

Dreams: one of them had something to do with Disneyland but I can’t remember any of them

Sleep: went to bed after 2AM but probably fell asleep after 2:30AM or around 3AM. Got up after waking around 2:30PM, but woke up periodically in the morning like around 7AM and 12PM, but didn’t get up. Didn’t want to get up.

Moon Phase: waxing gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: in the morning I just didn’t want to do things, but then there was the thought that I could spend time with Ryan, so when Ryan came over I just cuddled with him and felt rather euphoric and happy, very hyper when left alone was active (cleaning and dancing and listening to music), very easily distracted right now but focusing on a lot of things at once (journal, comic, video) right now

Shopping Spree: N/A (although there has been an urge to spend money as soon as I get paid, but I’m trying to remind myself to save)

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: editing pictures and posting on art blog

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: N/A

Tests: N/A 

Mood Journal {Calm but Curious and Concerned?} 01/21/16

Day: January 21, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: hyper at 11 PM

Weather: 55°-65°

What I ate

-Morning: N/A

-Noon: a piece of salmon before I left for work around 2 PM

-Night: Five Guys – ate most of the hot dog and very few fries

-Snack: one pizza bite possibly after 4 PM

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 3 boys I’m babysitting from 3:00PM-6:30PM, was with my parents for dinner and getting home from 6:50PM-8:30ish PM

When I was alone: Before I left for work while I got ready and did a few things on my computer. After I got home, helped my mom settle in, defrost ground beef for dogs, and switched dead light bulbs, I went to my room and still haven’t left

Stressors [depressed]: work with boys (they got into a fight over football)

Contributors [happy]: boys were relatively calm and have been getting better the past few nights.

Dreams: something that had to do with Ryan, there was a part when Courtney was telling me to not trust or open up to him too much.

Sleep: I went to bed probably after 3 AM and woke up repetitively in the morning, finally getting up around 12 PM

Moon Phase: waxing gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I’ve been reading a lot on bipolar so I’ve decided to do my mood journal again and start mood charts. Been relatively distracted and focused today. Also inspired I guess.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: Mood journal, mood charts

Continued Projects: posting on art blog

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: N/A

Tests: N/A

Starting Mood Journals {The Past Few Months} 01/21/16 9:15

So I finally have a psychiatrist that I started to see with my concerns of having ADHD and seeing if I can do something about depression. My psychiatrist has told me that she's concerned I could have Manic Depression/Bipolar Disorder. She wants me to keep an eye out for that as well as have friends and family be aware and keep an eye out for it.


Day: January 21, 2016 9:15 PM - This is for the past few days/weeks/months since I have not done this in a long time.

Weather: the weather has been alternating between rainy and warm (or hot to me)

What I ate: my eating habits have been rather unstable and I mainly had a bad appetite that was almost nonexistent

Stressors [depressed]: breakup, failed class, finals, mother’s surgery, jobs, family arguments, anxiety and concerns of ADHD, book goals, school

Contributors [happy]: got a job, gained more independence, relationship (earlier in school semester I got a boyfriend and girlfriend, got a boyfriend at the end of the semester after breakup), productive on posting art

Dreams: I’ve had some bizarre dreams and a few nightmares here and there, but they’re more unsettling than scary

Sleep: either sleep less than 4 hours or sleep over 12 hours for the most part

Illness: haven’t really been terribly sick except a stomach bug early in the semester that made me dehydrated

What I feel: I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, to be perfectly honest. I’ve dealt with a lot of depression, anxiety, and stress as well as a lot of euphoria and being relatively happy but also frustration and anger. I’ve cried myself to sleep, I’ve felt so anxious I couldn’t sleep, I’ve felt so frustrated or disappointed I’ve cried. I’ve paced a lot whether surrounded or alone and just moved a lot at least when alone. I’ve had moments of extreme independence a lot more than usual, but I’ve also been dependent and helpless. I’ve gone several days straight just drawing nonstop, but suddenly I went to drawing at most once a week. I’ve constantly just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing, but I’ve also been adventurous and gone out with friends or my new special others. I’ve even been rather tired and wanting nothing more than to curl up on my boyfriend’s lap and sleep or something. I’ve felt rather restless and anxious over nothing and my brain has been rushing and overloaded with thoughts constantly, which I suppose I sometimes use to create art as a way to get them out. I’ve even had headaches triggered by these rushing thoughts. I’ve also been very forgetful and having a hard time enjoying things I usually would enjoy. I’ve been very impulsive and rushing into some things, but I’ve also created a lot of things. I had a period where I was just constantly crying and kept crying over nothing.

Shopping Spree: I practically spent about $700 in less than a month

Started Projects: The Horror of Our Love (video, comic, story), art videos, posting and editing art to blog, The Different Flowers in the Garden (erotica book), Wings (children’s book), work, song writing

Continued Projects: Her Choker (book)

NaNoWriMo

Finished Projects: Mecember, art challenges

Homework: general psychology class didn’t have homework besides a research paper that I did not do, abnormal psychology class had homework at most once a month and I did not do any of it and had a presentation that I passed rather well all by myself since my partner dropped on me but I pulled an all-nighter to do it, vocal class had homework once a month and I tried to do it most of the time

Mecember Day 31

So here is the ultimate confession: How or if Mecember has affected. It really has. It's made me feel better to share these things and get them off my chest, to let people inside and to get to partially know me bit-by-bit. Although, there was some slight problems at home with family getting overly concerned about me, thinking I could be suicidal or a harm to myself (if that was the case, my therapist would have reported me long ago). I could be wrong, but it feels as though they see these as only recent, more critical problems than they are. Yes, I still struggle with these little things from time-to-time, and they certainly feel bigger in the moments, but I pride myself on getting through them and the help I seek for my problems. I always have told people that they can talk to me and tell me their problems because talking actually helps, but I've bad about doing it myself. And it does help. This has helped me. I am thankful for those who have gone through this journey with me and sorry to those I've worried. Now time for a new year. 

{Sorry this is late}

Mecember Day 30

I'm supposed to talk about things that make me happy. That's hard because a lot of things make me happy. Especially the little things. My lover's smile, sweets or candies or just foods and drinks I like, being with my pets, etc. etc. etc. Just wanting to make me happy is enough. 

{Sorry this is late}

Mecember Day 29

Inspirations: Eve Evagilista (the day I met her was the day I decided to start writing books, it was like a sign that I was on the right path, from that day forth she's been a tremendous model, help, and support to me), Clive Barker (not only do I love his art, but he lives the life I desire, a director and writer, plus he was a man ahead of his time), Emilie Autumn (she's encouraged me to be myself and to be brave as well as sparked my interest in mental health)

{Sorry this is late}

Mecember Day 28

Most, if not all, of my main characters share some sort of likeness with me. Whether it be personality, ideals, hobbies, skills, fashion sense, birthday, or looks, I try to put a little bit of myself into every protagonist. Even if it's a detail like hair when I created them. For example, Marla from the Marla Saga has the same hair color and style I did when I started working on her story, plus a bit of my personality, hobby, skills, and ambition. Wakanda Faithful shares my birthday and even my religious views and most of my morals and behavior. There are smaller cases than these where it's just one trait, style, or body/facial feature. 

{Sorry this is late}

Mecember Day 27

Pet peeves: not pushing in chairs, liking every single or at least most pictures in an album or post instead of just liking the album or post because all those notifications are really annoying, gender norms, using terms like "pussy" or "gay" to mean weak or stupid...gay means happy dammit, Xmas cheer before Thanksgiving when you live in America, thinking that when I really like one thing like Hellraiser or Emilie Autumn that it's the only thing I watch or listen to and that there's nothing else in my life...and there's more...but not only have I forgotten, but the list would be too long. 

{Sorry this is late}