I don’t know why I am feeling this way, I just am. I feel like because I am feeling depressed it’s keeping me from successfully thinking and concentrating so when I try to, it gives me a headache. I’m supposed to be writing an in-class essay right now, but I just CAN’T. I can’t, it hurts. I messaged Mr. Rodocker (we have a sub today) because he’s pretty understanding and whether or not I get marked down for turning it in late, at least he knows I am and why. My head still hurts. Is that normal? To be prone to headaches when feeling depressed? Or am I just weird? Is it even really considered a headache, I don’t get calling it that, my head isn’t technically aching, I think it feel more like a pressure build up (like a sinus infection in my forehead) or like something was buzzing too much in one spot.
I almost cried the other. I don’t think my family realizes how [shit I almost started tearing up JUST now] upset, disappointed, hateful, angry, etc. I am with myself for not eating healthy. I really want to, I want to try, I just can’t [my head’s hurting again] because I know I’m going to have a gag-reflex though I tell myself not to. I hate it and myself. I wish that didn’t happen [I feel the tearing-up again maybe I should stop journaling] and I wish I could be healthy.
I just found out by checking Facebook that I’m not the only one I know that doesn’t get headaches when depressed. Thank you Plague Rats, thank you Internet, and thank you Emilie Autumn for accidentally bringing us together. That’s one thing that’s nice about EA, is all the Plague Rats she brought together. A lot of us/them have psychoses or what not so it really is a good sort of support group…in a sense, I’ve met some really amazing and really nice people through EA, so I hope I don’t regret becoming a Plague Rat because I want to take in the good.
Speaking of wanting to take in the good while I’m talking about feeling depressed. I feel like this is going to be mostly grammatically incorrect, or already is…fuck it. My head hurts still.
I’m worried about Cat, or Dr. wanted to hospitalize her, which would mean she would miss school and, to me, means that she’ll get worse. She doesn’t deserve that right now, she deserves something nice after all of this. True, she was being stupid for not taking her pills, but [sigh]…but what…I’ve lost my train of though…
9:59 pm
I've been sleeping since about 4:40 or 5 o'clock (not sure which), and the sad thing is: I feel like going back to sleep. It's also sad that I've done no hk, including that essay, but I feel incredibly tired and exhausted. I just want to stay I'm bed forever (I'm not in bed right now, try not to bring my phone up with me) even if I'm not sleeping.
I got home around 3:40, I made myself some chamomile since I was planning on taking a nap, grabbed myself this dessert my ma bright home the other night, retreated to my room to eat and drink (took longer than expected because of how hot it was) these things and check things online, and then went to sleep.
Chloe said that what I had today was probably a migraine (I talked to her during lunch), which would be my first migraine I've had that I've been knowledgeable about.
I asked my ma about my therapy appointment and she almost got rid of the one I have on Thursday, but I said I really need to talk to Rosenthal, so she asked Bunny if she could possibly take me.
Why do I feel so upset, or sad, or tired, or...? I don't know anymore what are all the things I feel.
Feb 28: Who knows, maybe for me it IS "just a phase." But right now, it makes me feel good about myself and the way I look, and that is all that should matter.
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