Entry Title: I Have No Right
Tuesday 5:21pm
K: This is what my illness is like. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7XjqSIR2ao This is me.
Thursday 6:58pm
K: Heey.
Me: Hey :)
K: How are you?
Me: I'm OK, you?
K: I'm the same/ Why just okay?
Me: Well I've been feeling "mood swings" and I have been stressed and depressed recently but then there are some good things and proud moments. What about you?
K: My illness is getting in the way.
Me: aw, I'm sorry to hear that
Me: Oh, btw, one of my friends (I go to school with her), Cleo, sent you a friend request. I think you should accept it, you might like her. She suffers from DID, anxiety, paranoia, chronic depression, and a bunch of other things so you sort of got some things in common
K: If she sent a request, I declined because I didn't know her. Ask her to send it again?
Me: Kk, I will
K: Thanks. DID, that's fun stuff.
Me: Yeah…
K: I'm lucky, I have my Mental Health professor helping me. She's calling organizations to help me cope with my schizoaffective disorder.
Me: That's cool, very nice of her
K: Or schizophrenia. I think I'm schizoaffective instead of schizophrenic.
K: She's amazing.
Me: I'm glad, I've got a really nice therapist that's been helping me with this senior project
K: You have your art that you do too.
Me: Yup, but she's helping me with this service project called QUEST, and I'm working with adolescents dealing with depression (and other things) through group and art therapeutic methods
K: That's awesome.
Me: Yeah, it's part of the reason of my stress 'cause I didn't get my service(s) ready until two days ago and we have to present what we've been doing for our services next week and write a paper on how it connects with other things
Me: I screwed myself on that one, set sail a boat with holes in it *face palms*
Me: But recently I've pugged the hole and started emptying the water so the boat can rise back to the surface
Me: Merry Ostara, by the way :)
Me: Sorry for typing too much
K: Blessed Ostara to you as well. No, no. It's fine.
Me: So what's been going on lately?
K: With?
Me: Life I guess, what have you been up to?
K: Trying to cope. Trying not to do anything too rash.
Me: That's good, I wish you the best, ya' know, fight on
K: Thanks.
Me: Sorry, I know I'm not that much help :/ I always wish there was more I could do
K: It's okay. Not many people understand and know how to help. It's okay. I respect that.
Me: Thanks, It's always hard watching friends and family struggling with their psychoses and all I can do is watch and nothing more because I know that what their going through is even harder
K: We all have our own demons. Mine just happen to come alive through hallucinations and try to kill my family, friends, teachers, etc.
K: As I said in the video, I am destined to die.
K: The Shadows are demons that come to kill those who should have died.
K: And I should have died.
K: But I didn't.
Me: No you're not, don't believe the voices to tell you that. There is a reason why you are still here
Me: You are meant to live
K: In order for others to be safe, I have to die.
K: That's the only way they will go away.
Me: And yes, that means you have to fight, but you will (if not in already) have something to fight and live gor
Me: *for
K: It is in my destiny. I was gifted, and I'm being persecuted because of it.
Me: Don't believe that, you don't deserve persecution. You deserve better and the road right now may be rough but you will find retaliation worth it at the end, and it won't be death
K: But it's true.
K: It's all connected.
K: It is.
Me: And who told you that? How can you be so certain?
K: The Shadows.
Me: Can you really believe the shadows? They are mean, evil, deadly, why would they not be liars too?
K: They're demons. Demons are like angels, and angels know all. Demons know all too.
Me: Just because they know the truth doesn't mean they will tell it
K: Doesn't mean they aren't lying.
Me: Still, doesn't mean they are
Me: But you can't take the words of a demon with a golden spoon, there are reasons why they fell
K: They'll just keep trying to kill everyone I know.
K: They've tried to kill me all the time.
Me: Then you must fight for them, just because they say you're death will stop them doesn't mean that it's the truth
K: I don't want anyone hurt.
Me: So then you should keep an eye on them
K: But they're going to DIE.
K: :/
K: All are in grave and mortal danger.
Me: And that isn't your fault, and you shouldn't have to think that. You just need to fight on to protect them. You're death isn't going to fix anything
K: It's my fault for staying alive.
K: I was so close to death I could feel it.
Me: It's not, I just know it, I know it's not your fault. You've allowed them to make you think like that. But I am certain it's not true, I just know it
K: I think Sarah is working for THEM.
K: :(
K: Life.
Me: I'm sorry honey :(
K: I'm so lost.
K: So hurt.
K: So ashamed.
Me: I will try to lend out my hand for you to grab hold of and try to help you find your way, please don't give up, and please don't be ashamed to tell me anything. I know there is little I can do, but I'll try to help you heal from your hurt
K: I'm sorry.
K: I'm sorry.
Me: You have nothing to apologize to me for
K: Yes I do.
Me: You aren't burdening me
K: I must apologize to the world.
Me: Don't let them make you think such things
K: I'm endangering everyone.
Me: They can't hurt us, they're lying to you, they're making you believe things that aren't true. They're feeding you lies
Me: You're the only one in danger, not us, they can't get me or anyone around you like they're trying to fool you to believe. They've got a blindfold over your eyes and are trying to tell you your surroundings so that they can use you like a puppet
K: But my family almost died.
K: They tell me they're going to die.
Me: That probably wasn't them, it probably was something else that they made you believe it was them, they tricking you
K: :(
K: I'm so confused.
Me: I know, I'm so sorry
K: I keep seeing my psychiatrist's son
K: He goes to my school.
K: And I see him when he's not there.
K: I know because I ask why they're there.
K: And it's a sign.
K: It has to be.
Friday 6:26am
Me: I drew you a few things of schizophrenia
Me: Sorry, they're not very good, I drew them pretty quickly
Friday 8:38am
K: I like them :)
Me: Thanks, I'm glad you do
K: How are you?
Me: Meh, not a morning person but happy it's Friday. You?
K: I'm okay. Had to sit through Law while the voices were yelling at me. It made it hard to focus and stay in the moment. I was drifting out of reality quite quick. I get to see my friends tonight so that's a good thing.
Me: Yay, seeing friends is nice
K: Yeah. It'll be nice to get out of the house and be with people I care about. I'm just afraid that I'll be murdered.
Me: You'll be fine, I'm sure of it
Me: :)
K: Well, they told me I was going to die.
K: So I'm not so sure.
K: :(
Me: You need to remember that they might not always be telling the truth
K: I think they are.
Me: Maybe they just have that much of a silver tongue
K: They've been right before. They've sent their Demon Dogs and everything else. They've tried to kill me, and other people. I'm sure they have convinced Sarah to join them too.
Friday 8:11pm
K: I'm home.
K: Sorry, one of my best guy friends wanted to go for a walk. Then we went out for tea.
Me: Sounds nice :)
K: It was.
Me: Warning, nip-slip
K: I wish I could draw.
Me: One of them is transgender
Me: This is actually beyond my skill level, I don't know how I drew these O.o
K: How was your day?
Me: Well I took a long nap and I'm on my way to my big bro's (brother-in-law) b-day bro, so not to bad. You?
K: It was okay. I was hallucinating a lot. But I took my meds so I should be okay tonight. I wasn't going to take them though. And I'll let you enjoy the party.
Me: It's not a party
K: Well, still. I'd feel bad for keeping you away.
Me: Well you should probably sleep anyway
K: I don't sleep usually. The voices are too loud and my paranoia level goes through the roof.
Me: Ah, I'm sorry
K: But, on those lucky nights, my medications put me to sleep like they're supposed to. Thank goodness for their sedative ingredients because without them, I'd be doing so many things I shouldn't be.
K: I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
Me: Sleep well
K: Thanks, you too. :)
Me: Thanks :) *kisses forhead*
K: *smiles*
7 hours ago
K: Hey darling. :) How was the Birthday?
Me: It was nice, we went to the movies after the dinner. Simple and calm (' cept for a tiny outburst one of my sisters had)
K: Oh good. How ware you today?
Me: I'm fine, just playing Sims 3. You?
K: Just woke up from a 4 hour nap. Couldn't deal with the voices today.
Me: Ah, I'm sorry
K: t's okay. It's my life. Tis so unfortunate though.
3 hours ago
K: Meow.
Me: Meow
K: Is that a real kitty? D:
Me: Yup, that's Mistress Kitty from my vlog
K: Awwes. I wants to hug it.
Me: She's very huggable in the sense that there's lots of her to hug ('cause she's super fat) but she hates to be picked up…I do it anyway XD
K: My cat hates being picked up too. But I picked her up anyway. Do you have twitter?
Me: Yeah, but I don't use it
K: Okay. No worries. How are you?
Me: I'm fine, can't wait until monday (never thought I'd say that). You?
K: I'm glad you're okay. I'm conflicted right now.
Me: Oh, why? about what?
K: Taking my pills....
Me: Are you thinking of not taking your pills?
K: Maybe...
Me: Well I think you shouldn't stop taking them, it'll only make things worse
Me: I've seen it happen
K: I don't need them.
Me: I think you do
K: I'm not sick. I'm fine.
Me: But you said when you stopped taking them once things got worse
K: I'm okay. I'm okay.
Me: K, I don't think you should stop taking your pill. It'll do more harm than good
K: They don't want me to take them.
Me:They, as in the demons?
K: Yes.
Me: They're trying to kill you. Of course they'd tell you to do something dangerous. You can't trust them
K: But they sound so nice.
Me: Nice people don't threaten others' lives, they don't bother people, and they don't tell people they should have or deserve to die
Me: they have silver tongues, do not trust them
K: But I do need to die. I have to save the human race by doing so.
Me: No you don't, that's not your responsibility. They've tricked you into thinking that
K: But everyone is going to die. :(
Me: Don't believe them, you need to take what they say with a grain of salt
K: It is my destiny.
Me: No it's not, you're meant to be here. You're meant to live
K: No.
K: No, no, no. Nope.
K: They said so. They know my destiny. They told me of it. They did.
Me: Doesn't mean it's the truth
K: Doesn't mean it isn;t.
Me: I know, but you can't just take their word as gospel. Just because "they said so" doesn't mean anything, I could say "I am a purple bunny who likes broccoli" with the most serious and sincere tone but that doesn't mean I am what I said
K: But I know you're not a purple bunny.
Me: I know, it was an analogy
Me: I could add "I was turned into"
K: Okay.
Me: But my point is that words can mean nothing, just because it is said, and even if it sounds nice and so true and so right, doesn't mean it is
K: I don't know what's right anymore :(
Me: I know, and I am so sorry
K: I don't know who I am anymore. Because I've been thrown away.
K: I'm not me anymore.
K: I was robbed.
K: I was tortured.
K: I was destroyed.
K: And now I wander aimlessly across the earth and make deals with demons.
K: Those demons are inside me.
K: They live there.
K: And no one sees them but me.
K: But when I let them free, everyone will be hurt.
K: And I will be the last one standing in this world because they made deals.
K: We made agreements that I didn't consent to.
K: I am not here.
K: I am not anywhere.
K: I am floating.
K: I am drowning.
K: I am gone.
K: I am gone.
K: I am gone.
K: I am not here.
K: I am gone.
K: And no one knows.
Me: But you are here K, you are right here, talking to me. Please. I know that they've torn you down and they've destroyed everything, but I need you. We need you. Please K, you are here, you are existing in this plane right now, but you are drifting away. There are still some parts of you that is here, you are fighting on and you may not even realize it. You are fighting because you want to, and there is a good reason for that.
K: I'm not here. I am not K. I don't have a name. I don't have a name. I don't have a name. I don't anymore. They took it. I am just a human. But I am not here. I am there. In their world. I am there. And I am not fighting them. They want me and I know this.
Me: All I can do is ask you to trust me, and I know we're practically strangers and I have no right, but please
Me: If I could be there with you physically I could show you that you're here, I could show you that you're K. If you weren't fighting on, then you'd be dead right now, that is the proof I have that you're fighting
Me: They haven't won yet
K: K is dead. I am not K. She is not fighting. She is dead, but alive.
Me: You are alive
Me: You are not dead
Me: You are K
Me: I know it
Me: I know itAnd I know it sounds arrogant, but I am sure of it
Me: I know I can never understand how you feel or what you've gone through, but all I can do is offer you my "wisdom" and hope it means something
K: She thanks you. She does. She does.
Me: Please, stop, I know that you are K, you have to see that
K: Oh how her sadness is so strong. How her feelings become so consuming. How her mind is scarred with us. She has been taken over. She has been taken over. We have marked her mind with delusions because we want to control her. We want her. We want her. We want her.
Me: They can't have you K, keep fighting, you are here
Me: I don't care what they want, they have no right to take you
K: We are inside her now. We are here for her. She is not here. We have her. We have her. We have her.
Me: You deserve better K
Me: Please keep fighting, you must, they can't have you, you mustn't let them
K: We laugh at her pain. We laugh at her confusion. We laugh at her suffering. We laugh. She is weak. She is vulnerable.
Me: K you are strong, and you can make it through this. You've made it this long, almost 18 years. You can't let them win now, you are such a strong person, don't let what they say get to you. Prove them wrong, prove them that you are not vulnerable, because you are not. You are strong, and beautiful, and ambitious, and deserve better
K: It is funny what they say about time. It moves by so fast. And it took so long for this. So long. So long.
Me: You are still here K, I know you are. You can defeat them.
K: I am here.
K: I am here.
K: I am here.
K: They're hissing at me now.
K: :(
K: I'm back.
Me: See, you are strong, they were wrong
Me: They didn't know the truth
Me: I knew you'd fight and win
Me: You may not see it as a win, but I know it was
K: They will come back again.
K: They always do.
Me: But you will be able to defeat them, I believe you can
K: I need to swallow. I need to swallow them. I'm slipping away. I'm slipping again. I need to swallow them. I will be back. I will be back.
Me: Please, don't stop taking your pills, I know that they said you should, but after that I know that you shouldn't do as they say
Me: go, swallow
K: I have to swallow. I have to. I will be back after. I will go and come back.
Me: Go, go, you must
K: I'm back. I'm back. I took them.
Me: Good, I'm glad
K: Sarah told me to swallow. She's on my side.
Me: I'm glad you have a friend and that she's on your side
K: I haven't seen her in a long time. She's hiding from them. She is.
Me: Probably for a good reason, she knows you can't trust them
K: I think she's working for them undercover.
K: She would never admit to it though.
K: She followed to the hospital once.
K: I couldn't play there. Not with her.
Me: I remember you saying that in your video
K: She wears a dress like this
K: http://www.ebay.com/itm/n1937-w779-Easter-Halloween-Dance-Xmas-White-Party-Pink-Flower-Girl-Dress-2-12y-/141219886941
K: But it's a little different.
Me: How old is she? I forgot
K: 12. She's 12.
K: She doesn't age either.
Me: So are you feeling better?
K: My brain is foggy.
K: But I am calm.
Me: That's good
K: I'm feeling sleepy. But I don't want to dream.
K: I don't want to sleep.
Me: I think that maybe you should get some rest, I thought you said it helps keep them away
K: It does.
Me: It might do you some good to sleep
K: Okay. I will try to sleep. Thanks for talking to me
K: <3
Me: Always a pleasure, my dear
I am scared that I could let my friend K down, and she'll commit suicide because of her schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder (we're not 100% sure which). I'm scared for her. I wish there was more I could do than send her Facebook messages…if only…
