Day: May 1, 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day:
Weather:
What I ate
-Morning: waffles with butter and syrup 11:05AM
-Noon:
-Night: Greek Food (around 4PM)
-Snack:
Menstrual: N/A
Who I was with: 2:30PM-7:20PM Opal and family dinner
When I was alone:
Stressors [depressed]: Bunny talked about my weight, Bunny
seemed to be having a meltdown
Contributors [happy]: got $100 from my Yiayia
Dreams:
Sleep: 1:25AM-8:30AM
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent
Illness: N/A
What I feel: It was nice being able to see Opal again. He came
to dinner with me and my family today for Greek Easter. The food was good but I
got full quickly. At least I have lunch for tomorrow. Bunny sat next to me and
she actually at one point started comparing how thin my wrists were compared to
hers. It’s not fair that I have to censor myself when talking about weight in
front of her, but she can talk about it to me. But I know if I say the wrong
thing, then it could go badly and she will workout for 3hrs straight. She at
one point during the dinner had said that she was very lonely and buried her
head. She later on began crying for no apparent reason, it seemed rather
unprovoked. My family made up an excuse because the attention began to fall
upon her with my Great Aunt and Yiayia. I love her, and want to help her and be
kind to her, just right now I can’t be her friend with where we’re at with each
other. We need space before I can accept her in my life again. But at this
moment, she is too toxic for me to take in and I hate to say this about my own
sister. I love her, but she needs more help than she’s getting. I never
actually said how the Emerald thing went down. I had messaged her, “Hey
Emerald, I'm sorry to do this to you, but I'm going to be completely honest, I
don't think this is going to work out. You're a great girl and really nice,
cool, and sweet, but I don't think it's going to work with the three of us.
It's not just Ryan, I'm not sure you and I fully clicked either. I'm sorry, I
hope we can still be friends.” To which she simply replied with, “Okay cool.” I then added a short little, “Sorry.”
And she replied with, “Thank you for letting me know before we became
further involved. Have a nice day.” So I ended with, “You too.” I bring this up
because she messaged me again tonight. It started with "Hey I know it's
late but I found myself thinking of you both and that situation with your
exes,all is well?" So I said, "Nnn...it's complicated, I could send
you the link to my blog post about what happened. (Don't really feel like
reliving/retelling it). Thanks for checking in." And since I am so tired
of narrating this like a book but with no paragraphs, I'm doing this
differently. Screw the rules, this tires and frustrates me. E: "No
problemo,you don't have to." To which I sent her my journal entry about
that day. E: "I have a question though. How does this being friends work?
Because we did only meet once and pretty much had sex on your parents couch
what does us being friends entail?" Me: "No sex, no kissing, just
platonic stuff. Nothing romantic or sexual." E: "I know that silly,I
meant we will still hang out?" Me: "I suppose, yeah. It all depends
on when I'm available of course. I might be starting a new job real soon."
E: "I read it btw.im sorry you've been feeling that way. I also read that
you'd liked me.may I ask if you really did like me or if it was more on a
sexual level because I'm female? That's awesome!work is always good,especially
having something occupy your time to keep you out of your thoughts for a bit
Sorry to ask the question but I guess I'm just feeling kind of self conscious
and wondering if I did something wrong or if there's something wrong with
me." Me: "I like you, but I guess it's more on a friend level now. I
guess I was still getting to know you and meeting someone in person is the best
way to tell if you really do like someone or not. There's nothing wrong with
you. I'm just an impulsive person who leaps before I think a lot. It's the
problem with ADHD and mood disorders. You didn't do anything wrong at all. You really don't have to worry, I was
just worried I wouldn't be able to like you as much as you deserved, as well as
Ryan wasn't feeling it as much either, so I didn't want you to feel like a
third wheel." E: "Ah,understandable.i see Ryan didn't like me as much
lol. The blog you have though seems like it's a really healthy way to get out
your emotions and thoughts.i may have to make one for my own. Yeah I noticed he
had said that he would've Been more focused on you in the relationship. Which I
believe is also because he's never been in a poly relationship and has grown
attached to you over time as I was someone brand new to the situation."
Me: "It's very good for your mental health to write or talk about the
negative things. He's never been in a romantic relationship period, so I guess
it's quite much I'm asking of him." E: "Ah I see...I am sorry that
this didn't work out though,I liked you both very much and well on the sexual
level you both sort of blew my mind haha" Me: "It's sorta why if
prefer to find a third sooner than later so they don't feel like they have to
work their way to be equal, I joined a couple that were together for 2 years,
it didn't work very well. Not that I'd rush things, they just have to
happen." E: "I was actually very happy today,I got to drive my car
around and bought a new guitar! Very positive for the most part." Me:
"Sorry. Ooh, cool! I'm glad, always take joy in the little things of life.
I used to do a thing where I'd write down the things that made me happy that
day." E: "It just seems kind of difficult for a third ya know.had
Ryan been in another relationship I think it would be easier for him to
transition into a poly, but I think because your his first it will be very hard
for him to adjust to it and provide attention to both you and a third.which
isn't particularly fair for the other girl." Me: "Yeah, but then again,
Ryan can only connect with certain people. If
there's a connection with someone, it's generally right away and very strong
for him." E: "That is also as healthy if not more so than the
negatives. I used to tell my best friend all of these things until we started
disconnecting. Well I guess it just wasn't meant to be then, I sort of feel as
though I wasted your time a bit." Me: "It's important to write about,
talk about, or express the negatives, or else you're keeping them locked up. A
psychological study proved this. It's ok, don't worry, you didn't." E:
"I still feel kind of discombobulated about it.one minute all way well
then the next I'm being kind of sort of broken up with." Me: "I'm
glad you were able to have a good time." E: "Sorry to unload all of
this on you but until I start that blog here I am hahaha." Me: "I'm
sorry, that wasn't something I wanted to do, to hurt you. If you ever need to
talk, I'm told I'm a good counselor, surprisingly. It's why I did it sooner
than later, so you wouldn't have gotten to strong of an attachment." E:
"Good people never intentionally hurt others.i understand it wasn't what
you were trying to do. However it doesn't mean it doesn't still sting quite a
bit. I'll be fine though,I just need a few weeks and some yummy food." Me:
"I'm still learning about myself, but I'm starting to learn my differences
between likes and loves, my connections and strong connections." We then
got into a conversation about food and cooking. E: "I should probably let
you get some sleep if your insomnia permits it." Me: "Alright, sleep
well. Once again, I am so sorry, but thank you so much for checking in. It
really meant a lot to me." E: "Apology accepted although really it's
not anything you need to apologize for.we can't help what we feel or don't feel."
Me: "Yeah, I said that to someone before..." Was it to Hannah, my ex?
E: "No problem btw,if you ever need to talk or just want to be listened to
or want to just hangout feel free to hit me up. Dream with sweets or sweet
dreams haha,good night fairy girl." Me: "Sleep well with pleasant
dreams, precious jewel." I felt bad of course. No one likes being in that
position, to hurt someone that really didn’t deserve it. But it would be better
to do it now before an attachment was made even further than to have broken
things off when it would be hard to let go. I hope all goes well for her and we
can be friends.
Shopping Spree:
Started Projects:
Continued Projects: Cry Babies of C.S.R.
Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects:
Homework: math Tuesday 05/03
Tests: N/A
Did You Take Your
Medicine?: Yes
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