Day: May 16 Monday 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day:
Weather:
What I Ate
- Morning: hot pocket and waffles with butter and syrup 11:40AM
- Noon:
- Night: tater tots 8:45PM pasta 9:05PM
- Snack: Nutella
Menstrual: N/A
Who was I with: my Ma a little bit through the day, Bear, Erick, and my dad off and on through night
When was I alone: most of the day
Stressors [depressed]: Bunny got angry, finals week, still haven't done course paper
Contributors [happy]: Psych2Go magazine and hair pin came, got a possible job on Friday, post gone viral
Dreams:
Sleep: 1:55AM-6:25AM 6:40AM-9:50AM 9:55AM-11:05AM (accidental nap, I don't know when it started, but I awoke around 7:10PM)
Moon Phase:
Illness: N/A
What I feel: Been really bad about my mood journals and charts. Oh, so Bunny suddenly just got angry. I told her we're fending for ourselves for dinner (I was heating myself up some tater tots and Bear was cooking pasta so I was gonna eat some of that), and Bunny hadn't realized we already started cooking for ourselves and made a suggestion for her and me, but Bear said she was heating up pasta if she would like any, which set Bunny off and she stormed out yelling at us. Later she texted up to see if we were still in the kitchen, which we both were cuz we were still cooking, but Bear responded to her with how she overreacted, so Bunny apparently was typing abuse to her. Sick or not, this is out of control. She is being set off WAY to easy nowadays. I got a text back from the people I babysit about the price and when the boys start school again. Apparently the parents of the girl across the street are interested in hiring me as well. My boss thinks she'll start paying me $225 a week instead of $125 since I'll be working 25hrs and not 14hrs as before. So I'll be getting paid $9 an hour. Why am I finding it so hard to write my psychology course paper? I have everything prepared and ready and whatnot, all I need to do is put it in my own words, so why am I finding this so hard? I am great as essays and papers, I'm an author for Pete's sake and was told I have English major in me, so why am I struggling? My brain is so hyperactive, but my body isn't quite matching that besides the wide eyes. My mind wants to focus on so many other things or just lay still and daze out. I'm confused and don't know what to do. I just want a bit of peace but I want to be productive. I feel like normally, this is the part where I break, have a meltdown, and an anxiety attack, but I think the medication has dried me out. I don't think I can get depressed or terribly anxious with the medicine and it's a little eerie. But I could just be wrong and it's nothing. I don't know how to explain it will. I am not out of it, just easily distracted and not able to focus on just one thing. Everything is calling for my attention, begging me to look at their details: the lines in the wood, the gleam of my light, the smudge on the mirror, the coats my head is laying upon. All I can do is think and create with only thoughts. Earlier, before I fell asleep, I was imagining scenarios for my story, but I didn't write them, all I could do was lay down and think. That's all I can do. I even cute skype chatting with Ryan short cuz I couldn't focus my attention on him. I feel like crawling into bed, I doubt I'll fall asleep with how awake and active I feel, but I can at least lay down. At one point I had been messaging Opal, spamming him with funny images and text from tumblr. Then I started messaging like (10:50PM): "Ooooooh, so I have a job Friday YESH! I can't wait to go to Niles with Ryan :3 Holy shit am I hyper right now?
Opal was chill with it and responded with: "heh"
Me: O_O sorry
O: sorry?
Me: If I start spamming
O: meh, it's fine
After I went to lay down (12:45AM), I began sending him more stuff, mainly funny things about ADHD (since we both have it). I then sent him my journal of everything up until me needing to lay down. I disappeared for a few minutes and came back with (it was related to a much earlier image but technically random still and it was as 2:25AM): "If I bought a lamb, I'd name it Olive Although, they had a goat, not lamb I'd name a goat Scape Scapegoat"
O: ... XD
Me: I'm going to the corner Oh wait, already in one...sorta Make my brain stop
O: count sheep
Me: Heh...then I'd think of Catherine They talked about counting sheep in it Plus, you are a sheep on your dreams The bar is called The Stray Sheep
O: fine, count weasels
Me: Too many syllables
O: ...I thought you just imagined weasels and counted the numbers
Me: *sends a picture of Miss Kitty next to me* She's so cute
O: what does it matter how many syllables the animal has
Me: You go "1 sheep 2 sheep 3 sheep" But I think you're missing the point my brain is crowded enough *sends a picture of Miss Kitty* She's so cute
O: okay
Me: I wanna call Ryan just to hear his voice but I wouldn't know what to talk about and that'd be wasting his minutes for nothing
O: he's not asleep?
Me: Knowing him, probably not
O: oh
Me: But his sleepy voice is so precious Not that I've purposely called him when he's asleep
I called Ryan against my better judgement at 2:35AM, hoping he wouldn't answer, but he did. I told him I just wanted to hear his voice and apologized for wasting his minutes cuz it's not like I wanted to talk about anything, just hear his voice. He suggested we chat on skype but I told him that we probably shouldn't since I had nothing to talk about but since he couldn't hear me well he insisted upon it anyways and so we moved to Skype. We didn't video or call chat. On top of not being able to focus on someone on a screen, my mouth was too dry to talk. Before he came on I messaged: I don't know what to talk about I just wanted to hear your voice Sorry Didn't mean to waste your minutes over nothing Or efforts Sorry
Ryan: No problem, I am already awake want to chat?
Me: I don't know what to talk about My brain is kinda a train wreck right now, don't think I could hold down a conversation without getting distracted, losing track, or something
R: No problem, I am still down to semi talk partial conversation- ooh, a squirrel
Me: *I sent the pictures of Miss Kitty* Look how precious and cute she is I really should try to fall asleep I'm really sorry
R: Don't worry about it, I was already up Sure you don't want to talk for a bit?
Me: I feel like any moment my brain could melt out my ears Wow...I went to a weird and dark place *I tried changing the subject* Ummm...I'm hungry and have been contemplating bringing the Nutella up here But if I do I'll have to grab the water too cuz my mouth is dry
R: I'm really sorry that you don't feel well
Me: But the melting thing doesn't feel bad My brain is just like HEY HEY HEY HEY SQUIRREL HAHAHAHA STRESS HEY HEY LIFE HEY SLEEEEEEEEP RYAN HEY HEY TUMBLR PANDAS HEY HEY FUCK YOU *I sent a picture of Miss Kitty who had gotten up and walked away from me* And being abandoned by my cat *I then took notice of my Edward Elric pillow in the photo* Edward is just glaring at my bed XD *I sent another picture since Miss Kitty had gotten closer to the point of touching me* She came closer
R: Having fun watching your cat?
Me: I'm not watching her at all, I'm turned away, I can just feel and hear her *I sent him the same journal entry I had sent Opal* I'm excited for Niles I'm excited for you
R: It will be great to be able to relax with you again
Me: I'm going to try getting all math hk and my gender comm paper done tomorrow
R: no stress, no worrying about class tomorrow, just us walking together through town
Me: Wait, tomorrow??? You mean Saturday? Or did you get tomorrow off?
R: What I mean is that on Saturday, I won't need to worry about going to school again for a while Most of our hangouts have been on school nights
Me: *a bit more of random rambling*
R: I can't wait to cuddle with you I am going to head off to bed, feel free to call me later if you can't sleep
Me: Sleep well
R: you too if you can
Me: In sorry to waste your time and efforts Love you G'nite
R: You are not wasting my time and efforts I love talking to you It makes me happy to know that you want to talk to me whether it be at 5 pm, or p am
Me: ...p am...
R: am* your ocd is showing
Me: I love you, sleep well, good night
R: Goodnight
Shopping Spree: felt extremely tempted to buy $70 garters that are perfect, but decided to wait until I go to Niles as well as until I get paid
Shopping Spree: felt extremely tempted to buy $70 garters that are perfect, but decided to wait until I go to Niles as well as until I get paid
Started Projects:
Continued Projects:
Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects:
Homework: math Thursday 05/19 gender comm Thursday 05/19
Tests: psych Wednesday 05/18 math Thursday 05/19
Did you take your medicine?: Yes, but took them very late (7:15PM) and the new dosage (75mg)
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