Day: May 22, 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day:
Weather:
What I ate
-Morning:
-Noon: pizza 4:15PM
-Night: beef teriyaki and tempura dinner 8:25PM
-Snack: cookies
Menstrual: started at night Who was I with:
When was I alone: Stressors [depressed]: Contributors [happy]: Dreams:
When was I alone: Stressors [depressed]: Contributors [happy]: Dreams:
Sleep: 12:35AM-1:00AM 1:15AM- 9:50AM 10:25AM-1:45PM
1:55PM-3:15PM (got out of bed at 4PM)
Moon Phase:
Illness: jaw still hurts but not as much
What I feel: 3:25PM, and I was STILL in bed. I had slept more than half the day away. I slept for maybe 15hrs. And I didn't even know if I felt like getting up. I feel like I've been really moody recently, so I messaged Ryan: "Hey, I wanted to apologize for how I've been. I feel like I've been rather moody lately, acting more bitchy, distant, harsh, antisocial, and lack of attention span. I just feel really bad because it feels like I'm being difficult and hard to deal with. I'm sorry." I forgot clingy and needy. I think it could be because my environments have dramatically changed and shifted. My entry from yesterday made me realize that. I've never had someone as physically close as Ryan or my family be as emotionally close as I've let Ryan. It's also a big change for me. It's a new surprise around every corner, both bad and good. He's way more of an extrovert than I am, and whilst we're both very honest and blunt with people in general, I usually kept things to myself for the most part. I don't think he's realized that, and so he sometime says things that I hadn't expect him to reveal or tell anyone, that I thought was between him and me, and it's not his fault but rather mine for not clarifying. I'm an open book, but I don't reveal all my pages to everyone, only a very select few: Ryan, Opal, Lori, and Chloe (used to be, but we don't hang out or talk as much anymore, so only when we get the chance now). I'm an introvert with an extrovert attitude, so it's not surprising that people think I'm an extrovert only. Then there's my episodes of ADHD and possibly hypomania or mania, which make me seem extroverted as well. But I'm quick to judge myself. Quick to get embarrassed. I just sorta of remembered last night that I'm not the showy socialite I come off as. It kinda sucks, you know, cuz I believed I was an extrovert but forgot I wasn't, so I didn't realize I was out of my comfort zone. It's strange that I could forget something so big of myself. I'm easy to cut people out. Recognize personalities that are a huge turn off and know that we won't get along. I even make sure to tell Ryan when I feel a disagreement with another person. I failed my math class again and I'm too scared to find out about my other 2. I think I failed all 3 classes. I keep fucking up over and over again. I'm so tired of being a failure and disappointment. I know I could have tried harder, done better, but I didn't. I'm just wasting my parent's money on all these classes and everyone's time and efforts and gas. I had a bit of a meltdown when I wrote that previous part. I was in tears, gasping for air, but tying not to be too loud so my parents couldn't hear me. Eventually Bear and Erick came home and I went to my room. I had chatted a bit with my friends Chris and Opal during my meltdown. After a while, I started playing HunieCam Studio and actually got the best trophy I could without really trying. Finally got around to filling in my mood charts. Haven't done them all this month. I sent Ryan both of these journal entries to tell him my feelings I suppose.
What I feel: 3:25PM, and I was STILL in bed. I had slept more than half the day away. I slept for maybe 15hrs. And I didn't even know if I felt like getting up. I feel like I've been really moody recently, so I messaged Ryan: "Hey, I wanted to apologize for how I've been. I feel like I've been rather moody lately, acting more bitchy, distant, harsh, antisocial, and lack of attention span. I just feel really bad because it feels like I'm being difficult and hard to deal with. I'm sorry." I forgot clingy and needy. I think it could be because my environments have dramatically changed and shifted. My entry from yesterday made me realize that. I've never had someone as physically close as Ryan or my family be as emotionally close as I've let Ryan. It's also a big change for me. It's a new surprise around every corner, both bad and good. He's way more of an extrovert than I am, and whilst we're both very honest and blunt with people in general, I usually kept things to myself for the most part. I don't think he's realized that, and so he sometime says things that I hadn't expect him to reveal or tell anyone, that I thought was between him and me, and it's not his fault but rather mine for not clarifying. I'm an open book, but I don't reveal all my pages to everyone, only a very select few: Ryan, Opal, Lori, and Chloe (used to be, but we don't hang out or talk as much anymore, so only when we get the chance now). I'm an introvert with an extrovert attitude, so it's not surprising that people think I'm an extrovert only. Then there's my episodes of ADHD and possibly hypomania or mania, which make me seem extroverted as well. But I'm quick to judge myself. Quick to get embarrassed. I just sorta of remembered last night that I'm not the showy socialite I come off as. It kinda sucks, you know, cuz I believed I was an extrovert but forgot I wasn't, so I didn't realize I was out of my comfort zone. It's strange that I could forget something so big of myself. I'm easy to cut people out. Recognize personalities that are a huge turn off and know that we won't get along. I even make sure to tell Ryan when I feel a disagreement with another person. I failed my math class again and I'm too scared to find out about my other 2. I think I failed all 3 classes. I keep fucking up over and over again. I'm so tired of being a failure and disappointment. I know I could have tried harder, done better, but I didn't. I'm just wasting my parent's money on all these classes and everyone's time and efforts and gas. I had a bit of a meltdown when I wrote that previous part. I was in tears, gasping for air, but tying not to be too loud so my parents couldn't hear me. Eventually Bear and Erick came home and I went to my room. I had chatted a bit with my friends Chris and Opal during my meltdown. After a while, I started playing HunieCam Studio and actually got the best trophy I could without really trying. Finally got around to filling in my mood charts. Haven't done them all this month. I sent Ryan both of these journal entries to tell him my feelings I suppose.
Shopping Spree: fox ears and Lolita maid uniform
Started Projects:
Continued Projects: mood charts
Started Projects:
Continued Projects: mood charts
Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects: caught up on mood charts
Did you take your medicine?: Yes (my main reason to get up besides eating)
Finished Projects: caught up on mood charts
Did you take your medicine?: Yes (my main reason to get up besides eating)
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