Day: May 21 Saturday 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day:
Weather:
What I Ate
- Morning: heated Nutella and waffles 7:25AM
- Noon: pizza 3:45PM
- Night:
- Snack: cookie
Menstrual: if I don't start tomorrow, I might just freak the fuck out, then beg and pray it's just because I've messed up my hormone levels and there's nothing to be worried about. I have been having my period symptoms though, just not bleeding.
Who was I with: 12:05PM-11:50PM Ryan, 10:45PM-11:45PM restaurant
When was I alone:
Stressors [depressed]: dentist, dinner
Contributors [happy]: sold books, Niles
Dreams:
Sleep: 1:10AM-6:35AM
Moon Phase:
Illness:
What I feel: I don't want to look at my grades. I'm worried I'll hate myself for them. I'm worried I failed all 3 classes. I already know I failed my math class. My dentist thinks my antidepressants are causing my muscles to spasm and thus causing me to clench or grind in my sleep, and that is why my jaw/TMJ/TMD is hurting. I sure hope he's wrong. I don't want to change medication again. I've gotten used to the Zoloft, it's working. Please let him be wrong. I finally had decided to go with Ryan to his high schooler friend's cast party, even though I didn't even see the show, and since one of his friends thought I was adorable and was Facebook stalking me, I dressed up in a Lolita car maid outfit with the pink cute bunny coat over it as a joke. This was after I considered wearing it and wearing something normal for me and switching back and forth all day after we got to my house from Niles. It took a lot of consideration for me to even go to the party. I mean, I didn't see the show, I'd only know one or two people out of 30 or however many were there, a majority of them were high schoolers (and the rest were teachers and maybe parents), it would be crowded as hell, and I would probably (SHOULD) start my period by then and wouldn't have wanted to be in any sort of crowd. But I went for him and since apparently a bunch of his friends wanted to meet me but it was only the one girl who thought I was cute really. And when we got there and was waiting for them, I got super nervous in what I was wearing and paranoid. As people got there, I was feeling overwhelmed and out of my element. It was moments like these that I remember how much of an introvert I actually am: few close friends, hardly hung out with anyone at school until last semester, hardly ever went to parties or hang outs, don't talk to many people, rather stay in then go out, not fond of crowds, nervous in public places to the point of social anxiety, not comfortable with saying things in public, easily feel embarrassed with myself and what I wear. After we sat down, I thought it might seem racist that I wore a maid outfit at a Mexican place, so I took off the headpiece, apron, and cuffs as well as the wig. Some time passed and I was just feeling so much more overwhelmed: it was crowded, my outfit, the time, my natural anxiety, I was tired, I'm upset about my grades and other things; and so I messaged my dad to see if he'd pick me up. He was in the area and immediately went to the parking lot to wait for me, but I couldn't go out until my dinner came out, which was practically one of the last things out of the 30+ people that were there so it took forever and I made my dad wait a long time. I tried to reassure Ryan my leaving early had nothing to do with me being upset with anyone or feeling jealous and left out. There were various of other reasons and I would explain them later. He walked me to the car and I went home. I knew I should at least eat a little, but all I really wanted to do was go to bed, so eventually I did.
Shopping Spree: things on my shopping list: stockings, garter straps, bustle. Things I actually bought: vintage shirt, cape, brooch, and gloves
Started Projects:
Continued Projects:
Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects:
Did you take your medicine?: Yes
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