Mood Journal {Tired of Sleeping}

Day: May 30 Monday 2016 

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: cake 11:20AM 

-Noon: 

-Night: stew 7:40PM

-Snack: chips

Menstrual: N/A

Who was I with: parents and Bear (occasionally Bunny) afternoon to late night

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 2:25AM-5:15AM 5:35AM-9:45AM (got up at 11:05AM)

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I decided to up my dosage because of how I was yesterday, and still sort of feel today. I'm rather antisocial and whatnot, so maybe that could change. I've also felt anxious and nervous, so I have my reasons there since Zoloft helps with anxiety. I keep feeling tired but I can't sleep. I keep trying to nap, but it takes a lot of effort. I don't know what to do about it. It's almost like my body is like, "you've slept too much already, no more."

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: The Illness Called Love (VN concept idea)

Continued Projects: Her Choker

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: Yes (and I took the new higher dosage)

Mood Journal {Dropping In Like Flies}

Day: May 29 Sunday 2016 

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: cereal 12PM

-Noon: spaghetti 3:20PM

-Night: tri-tip and baked potato 10PM

-Snack: Nutella, peanut butter, chips

Menstrual: n/a

Who was I with:

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: finished and uploaded my visual novel and sent it to Manly

Dreams: 

Sleep: 3:25AM-8AM 8:15AM-10:20AM (got up at 11:45AM) very small nap at late 1PM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: slight stomach problems

What I feel: Emerald called me the other night on my Ma's bday, so I said I'd call her back when I got home. I totally forgot to, so I text her an apology. When I checked my messages this morning she had sent: "No it's okay. I was just trying to talk because I was pondering suicide because I was feeling so bad.im okayish now though" I just wanted to crawl out of my skin an disappear. Why did it have to be me? Is what I was thinking. I was nervous. I was scared. This is like Bunny...even Cat. I wasn't sure what to do. I fell back asleep, but first thing I did when I woke up again was message her: "Don't you dare ever take your life. Think about the other people it will affect like your mother and friends. The one who will find you. There's so much to live for. You never know where life will go. If you ever feel that way again, please contact me. Maybe you should see a therapist or psychiatrist if things get really bad." I wish I had said more. I feel like that wasn't enough. I hardly think that will fix or help anything. Later I text her some more "If this feeling comes back, I could always recommend some suicide hotlines. I'm sorry if it seems I'm freaking out or taking this too seriously or hard, but you need to understand that I've almost lost my sister to suicide, and not just once. And you may think that it won't affect those around you, but it does. I couldn't forgive her at first and lost all respect I had for my sister. I was astounded. And then when another one of my sisters showed the same signs as her, I was mortified. I thought I was about to lose her once. I sat outside her door in tears, begging her in my mind not to do this. I thought I was going to lose her. When someone you love or know even attempts or contemplates suicide, it will mark you forever. There really is a lot to live for, it's not some silly or stupid optimism, it's true. Things are always changing, and before you know it, someone special could just walk in or out of your life. The person or opportunity that could change everything for the better could come to you at any moment. NEVER give up. If you kill yourself, I'm bringing your ghost back to give you the biggest lecture you've ever heard, I don't care if you haunt me. I'll do it. There's an opportunity and reason to live around every corner. You are a strong person, Emerald, and I believe you can keep going. I am grateful you contacted me, and I am so sorry I didn't call you back. Please, Emerald, keep fighting. You are not alone." It's moments like these that I know I couldn't be a therapist or psychiatrist. Doesn't matter how well I take care of the matter, it just weighs too heavily upon me. And I suppose that's why I never pursued career that career, only psychology in general. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to be of help, and I always tell my friends they can turn to me as a counselor if they can't get ahold of one at the time, but it feels like I keep getting messages of people wanting to die over and over again. I suppose it explains my art and part of the reason I am fascinated by Emilie Autumn. She actually helped me understand Bunny and even my Ma (and a bit of myself) a bit more. And psychology, though I wouldn't say she's the most valid source, it just helped me get interested. I still feel ashamed of how I thought of Bunny trying to kill her self. I was so ignorant and uneducated on the matter. I think it was maybe my Catholic side that was telling me it was wrong. Although there was also the fact that she would do that to her family. I was only 12, maybe 13. I didn't know how to feel about that. So much shit happened in my life that year and the previous years. Our papou died, our uncle got a DUI, my Ma was sent to a mental hospital for the first time. So much was happening. And I was of course struggling in school. My Ma was also dealing with trigeminal neuralgia. I was depressed because I had no friends. I felt alone at school because even Cat wasn't with me. I was being bullied and no one stopped him, but even my own sister, Bear, who witnessed it. Miss Kitty is such a doll, she noticed I was crying and came over to comfort me. I love that about her. I just went into Bunny's room and said "I don't think I ever apologized to you for how I treated you or felt about you the first time you tried to kill yourself...so I wanted to apologize." To which she responded with a simple, "Kay." I wanted to have said more, like about how guilty I've felt all these years, that I'm ashamed I felt that way, but I didn't want to spark into a long conversation with her. As much as I love her and felt bad, I don't have the mental capacity to hold a conversation with her of all people. Besides, I just wanted to go eat. Whenever I tell people I'm probably the last to kill or hurt myself or things of the like, they respond with usually the ones who say those kind of things are the most likely to kill or hurt them self. It gets annoying and frustrating. But if I haven't snapped by this point, I think I'll be fine. I'm a big advocate against suicide, so you can see how that gets bothersome. It's like on one hand they are worried about me and it's sweet, but on the other they're accusing me of being wrong and more unstable than I am. I either have people telling me I don't seem like I need antidepressants or worried I could kill myself, and weird thing is, sometimes that can be the same person: Which is it??? My Ma is the biggest culprit of being both. She thinks I could be suicidally depressed and have an eating disorder, but when I try to tell her I'm depressed and want to take pills I have to prove it because I'm wrong. What's even worse with my Ma is she was diagnosed bipolar and has been through this. I appreciate her trying to protect me, but what if it's what I need? And people wonder why I don't like to talk about my mental health with my family.

Shopping Spree: bought some color contacts

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: Blur Asylum VN

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: Blur Asylum VN

Did you take your medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Movie Night and Visual Novels}

Day: May 28 Saturday 2016 

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: 

-Noon: rice and tri-tip 12:50PM

-Night: meat and crackers 

-Snack: brownies

Menstrual: N/A

Who was I with: Ma and Bear late afternoon until close to 3 in the morning

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: weight loss

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 2:05AM-7:15AM 7:20AM-10:40AM 10:50AM-12:20AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I called up Ryan. I was feeling hyper and probably seemed drunk, but I wanted to wish him good night, especially since I didn't skype him earlier because I was watching Outlander with my Ma and sister. I have lost more weight again. I lost 2lbs since the last time I weighed myself so I'm not 112lbs again. I was doing rather well, I stayed 114lbs for a week or two, and now I've lost 2lbs. Dammit weight, please stop. I pretty much have a flat stomach, or at least damn near close to it. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: Blur Asylum VN

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: Blur Asylum VN (3way path CG's)

Did you take your medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Mama Duckling Waddling In}

Day: May 27 Friday 2016 

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: hot pocket 10:50AM

-Noon: meat and deviled eggs

-Night: tri-tip and baked potato

-Snack: s'mores, red velvet cake

Menstrual: ~nope~ green light

Who was I with: 10:40AM-9:20PM family (mainly Ma and Bear) 3PM-12:20AM Ryan

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: a Emerald called but I forgot to call back

Contributors [happy]: ma's bday, nice picnic in the park, mans duck with her baby ducklings 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 3:05AM-7:45AM 8AM-9AM 9:15AM-10:20AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I had a fun time at the park for my ma's birthday. For the most part, it was my Ma, Bear, and I until we picked up Ryan, then it was just the four of us. Eventually everyone else came. We had s'mores, tri-tip, baked potatoes, and wine foods. When we got home, I continued watching the horror anime with Ryan. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Year Long Hiatus is Over}

Day: May 26 Thursday 2016 

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: chocolate chip pancake 11:50AM

-Noon: 

-Night: pizza and pancakes

-Snack: 

Menstrual: probably my last day cuz I'm in my last placebo pill

Who was I with:

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 12:50AM-4:15AM 7:20AM-7:40AM 7:55AM-9:35AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: ManlyBadassHero is making me feel inspired to finish my Blur Asylum VN. I think, I'll finish it and send him the link explaining my hiatus and that he inspired me to finish and I'd be deeply touched if he played it, even if he has negative things to say about it because I love his commentary and Let's Plays, especially his yandere ones. Manly plays a lot of VN's and RPG's and did a lot of yandere ones. That's not all he plays, but those are some of the ones I really enjoy. He's got a very soothing voice and can get very funny. But essentially, seeing him play these games is just making me feel inspired to start working on BA again. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: Blur Asylum VN

Canceled Projects: almost rage quit Blur Asylum VN but I continued

Finished Projects: Blur Asylum VN (story coding)

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Perky Jerky my Lurkey...what???}

Day: May 25 Wednesday 2016 

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: perky in the morning/noon

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: chocolate chip pancakes 12:45PM

-Noon: carne asada platter

-Night: 

-Snack: cookies

Menstrual: sadly yes

Who was I with: Ma from late morning to mid-noon, 4PM-11:50PM Ryan

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: Ryan came over, sandwiched between kitties

Dreams: 

Sleep: 2:45AM-6:15AM 7:20AM 9AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: jaw doing a lot better slowly yet surely

What I feel: Been hyper as of late, a certain high at the moment. Maybe it the medication. Finally bought a few of these hilarious cards/signs I always see at my pharmacy. Watched horror anime with Ryan all afternoon and evening. 

Shopping Spree: bought funny cards

Started Projects: reorganizing and cleaning room

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: reorganizing and cleaning room

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Hyped Cats and Cat Girls}

Day: May 24 Tuesday 2016 

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: hot pocket 12PM

-Noon: 

-Night: spaghetti 7PM and 9PM

-Snack: Nutella, brownie, cookies, popcorn

Menstrual: mm-hm like Nigeria falls was made into a horror movie in my pants

Who was I with: Ma off and on through day

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: probably won't see Ryan this week

Contributors [happy]: took shower, was productive, cleaner looking closet, Gypsy purred for the first time in a long time

Dreams: 

Sleep: 1AM-3:15AM 4:45AM-9AM  9:20AM-10:55AM very restless night of sleep, woke up a lot

Moon Phase: 

Illness: my jaw hurts even less

What I feel: I feel chipper today. I raided the garage and grabbed some of my stuff, commandeered some sweets for a joke, organized through maybe half of my papers and actually placed them in the organizer, and drew some character design sketches. I was kinda hyper, it was easy to make me laugh and giggle. It seems that Gypsy is doing well with this new change. I took in Cat's cat, Gypsy since Luna was scratching her up pretty bad and Gypsy was also tearing up the inside of the couch. I haven't heard Miss Kitty fight her, in fact they only growled and hissed at each other the first night. It also doesn't seem like Gypsy has knocked anything over. I put all my shoes into boxes so she'll stop laying on them out of fear that she'll pee or poop on them. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: organize papers, organize and pack shoes

Continued Projects: Candy Maids

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: organize and pack shoes, Candy Maids designs

Did you take your medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Uh Oh...Pills...What?}

Day: May 23 Monday 2016 

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: pancakes, hash brown, eggs, and sausage 11:35AM

-Noon: 

-Night: beef teriyaki, rice, and tempura

-Snack: cookies

Menstrual: yes and then I remembered how much it sucks

Who was I with: 9:00AM-9:50AM appointments, 8:45AM-11:40AM Ma

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: realized I've been taking the wrong dosage

Contributors [happy]: did test to get step closer to taking ADHD meds

Dreams: 

Sleep: 2:15AM-8:20AM (nap 12:35PM-2:25PM)

Moon Phase: 

Illness: besides period pains and occasional nausea that comes with it?

What I feel: Why am I an idiot? I've been taking the wrong dosage of pills. Apparently I was taking my 25mg instead of 50mg meaning I've been taking two 25mg so 50mg instead if 75mg. My psychiatrist trusted me, shit, what will she think when I tell her? She might get super upset or at least be disappointed. We were supposed to up my dosage today because we thought they weren't doing it quite right with my current dosage, but now I know I just wasn't taking the right dosage.  I'll go first a week on what I was supposed to take, and if I feel that I need a higher dosage, then I will go to the new dose. 😣 I feel so stupid. I essentially put an old bottle of 25 or something in my pill carrier's 50 slot thinking it was the 50 for some reason. I don't even know what the hell happened...Besides pure stupidity or checking my brain out the door...I don't know...I spaced? No matter what though, I feel really dumb. Guess this explains the depression and anxiety. But that gives me even more reason to believe my pills are t making me clench/grind or that I'm even doing that because I slept like 13-15hrs yesterday and my jaw felt a smidgen better rather than worse. Smiling and laughing is supposed to make you feel better, so I am trying that today. 

Shopping Spree: Took money from my savings and put it into my checking so I can purchase my garters. Took an image of how much I've transferred from my savings so when I get paid I can not only half my check but take away how much I need to from the checking to put into the savings. Plus, I bought the garters...and a choker. Let's do some math: $225/2=$112.50. That's how much I'll be putting into both accounts per paycheck. $110/2=$55. That's how much I'll put into my savings from my checking cut for the first 2 (assuming my first will not be this much because I'm working only 2 days, full) paychecks. Meaning I'll put $167.50 into savings and $57.50 in checking for the first 2 paychecks. 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: my poetry book though I don't think I have it in me to complete it tonight

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: (also took Tylenol) I HAVE BEEN TAKING THE WRONG DOSAGE. So I started taking the correct dose today. 

Mood Journal {Once a Failure…}

Day: May 22, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather:

What I ate

-Morning:

-Noon: pizza 4:15PM

-Night: beef teriyaki and tempura dinner 8:25PM

-Snack: cookies

Menstrual: started at night Who was I with:
When was I alone: Stressors [depressed]: Contributors [happy]: Dreams:

Sleep: 12:35AM-1:00AM 1:15AM- 9:50AM 10:25AM-1:45PM 1:55PM-3:15PM (got out of bed at 4PM)

Moon Phase:

Illness: jaw still hurts but not as much
What I feel: 3:25PM, and I was STILL in bed. I had slept more than half the day away. I slept for maybe 15hrs. And I didn't even know if I felt like getting up. I feel like I've been really moody recently, so I messaged Ryan: "Hey, I wanted to apologize for how I've been. I feel like I've been rather moody lately, acting more bitchy, distant, harsh, antisocial, and lack of attention span. I just feel really bad because it feels like I'm being difficult and hard to deal with. I'm sorry." I forgot clingy and needy. I think it could be because my environments have dramatically changed and shifted. My entry from yesterday made me realize that. I've never had someone as physically close as Ryan or my family be as emotionally close as I've let Ryan. It's also a big change for me. It's a new surprise around every corner, both bad and good. He's way more of an extrovert than I am, and whilst we're both very honest and blunt with people in general, I usually kept things to myself for the most part. I don't think he's realized that, and so he sometime says things that I hadn't expect him to reveal or tell anyone, that I thought was between him and me, and it's not his fault but rather mine for not clarifying. I'm an open book, but I don't reveal all my pages to everyone, only a very select few: Ryan, Opal, Lori, and Chloe (used to be, but we don't hang out or talk as much anymore, so only when we get the chance now). I'm an introvert with an extrovert attitude, so it's not surprising that people think I'm an extrovert only. Then there's my episodes of ADHD and possibly hypomania or mania, which make me seem extroverted as well. But I'm quick to judge myself. Quick to get embarrassed. I just sorta of remembered last night that I'm not the showy socialite I come off as. It kinda sucks, you know, cuz I believed I was an extrovert but forgot I wasn't, so I didn't realize I was out of my comfort zone. It's strange that I could forget something so big of myself. I'm easy to cut people out. Recognize personalities that are a huge turn off and know that we won't get along. I even make sure to tell Ryan when I feel a disagreement with another person. I failed my math class again and I'm too scared to find out about my other 2. I think I failed all 3 classes. I keep fucking up over and over again. I'm so tired of being a failure and disappointment. I know I could have tried harder, done better, but I didn't. I'm just wasting my parent's money on all these classes and everyone's time and efforts and gas. I had a bit of a meltdown when I wrote that previous part. I was in tears, gasping for air, but tying not to be too loud so my parents couldn't hear me. Eventually Bear and Erick came home and I went to my room. I had chatted a bit with my friends Chris and Opal during my meltdown. After a while, I started playing HunieCam Studio and actually got the best trophy I could without really trying. Finally got around to filling in my mood charts. Haven't done them all this month. I sent Ryan both of these journal entries to tell him my feelings I suppose.

Shopping Spree: fox ears and Lolita maid uniform
Started Projects:
Continued Projects: mood charts

Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects: caught up on mood charts
Did you take your medicine?: Yes (my main reason to get up besides eating)

Mood Journal {The Extroverted Introvert}

Day: May 21 Saturday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather:

What I Ate

• Morning: heated Nutella and waffles 7:25AM
• Noon: pizza 3:45PM
• Night:
• Snack: cookie

Menstrual: if I don't start tomorrow, I might just freak the fuck out, then beg and pray it's just because I've messed up my hormone levels and there's nothing to be worried about. I have been having my period symptoms though, just not bleeding.

Who was I with: 12:05PM-11:50PM Ryan, 10:45PM-11:45PM restaurant

When was I alone:

Stressors [depressed]: dentist, dinner

Contributors [happy]: sold books, Niles

Dreams:

Sleep: 1:10AM-6:35AM

Moon Phase:

Illness:

What I feel: I don't want to look at my grades. I'm worried I'll hate myself for them. I'm worried I failed all 3 classes. I already know I failed my math class. My dentist thinks my antidepressants are causing my muscles to spasm and thus causing me to clench or grind in my sleep, and that is why my jaw/TMJ/TMD is hurting. I sure hope he's wrong. I don't want to change medication again. I've gotten used to the Zoloft, it's working. Please let him be wrong. I finally had decided to go with Ryan to his high schooler friend's cast party, even though I didn't even see the show, and since one of his friends thought I was adorable and was Facebook stalking me, I dressed up in a Lolita car maid outfit with the pink cute bunny coat over it as a joke. This was after I considered wearing it and wearing something normal for me and switching back and forth all day after we got to my house from Niles. It took a lot of consideration for me to even go to the party. I mean, I didn't see the show, I'd only know one or two people out of 30 or however many were there, a majority of them were high schoolers (and the rest were teachers and maybe parents), it would be crowded as hell, and I would probably (SHOULD) start my period by then and wouldn't have wanted to be in any sort of crowd. But I went for him and since apparently a bunch of his friends wanted to meet me but it was only the one girl who thought I was cute really. And when we got there and was waiting for them, I got super nervous in what I was wearing and paranoid. As people got there, I was feeling overwhelmed and out of my element. It was moments like these that I remember how much of an introvert I actually am: few close friends, hardly hung out with anyone at school until last semester, hardly ever went to parties or hang outs, don't talk to many people, rather stay in then go out, not fond of crowds, nervous in public places to the point of social anxiety, not comfortable with saying things in public, easily feel embarrassed with myself and what I wear. After we sat down, I thought it might seem racist that I wore a maid outfit at a Mexican place, so I took off the headpiece, apron, and cuffs as well as the wig. Some time passed and I was just feeling so much more overwhelmed: it was crowded, my outfit, the time, my natural anxiety, I was tired, I'm upset about my grades and other things; and so I messaged my dad to see if he'd pick me up. He was in the area and immediately went to the parking lot to wait for me, but I couldn't go out until my dinner came out, which was practically one of the last things out of the 30+ people that were there so it took forever and I made my dad wait a long time. I tried to reassure Ryan my leaving early had nothing to do with me being upset with anyone or feeling jealous and left out. There were various of other reasons and I would explain them later. He walked me to the car and I went home. I knew I should at least eat a little, but all I really wanted to do was go to bed, so eventually I did.

Shopping Spree: things on my shopping list: stockings, garter straps, bustle. Things I actually bought: vintage shirt, cape, brooch, and gloves

Started Projects:

Continued Projects:

Canceled Projects:

Finished Projects:

 Did you take your medicine?: Yes

 

Mood Journal {The Fabulous Fairy}

Day: May 20 Friday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather:

What I Ate

• Morning: waffle Nutella sandwich 12:10 PM
• Noon: hot pocket late 3PM
• Night:
• Snack:

Menstrual: probably will start tomorrow 

Who was I with: 12:45PM-4:30PM Ryan, 4:30PM-11:30PM babysitting

When was I alone:

Stressors [depressed]: dentist appointment in the morning  tomorrow

Contributors [happy]: got paid

Dreams:

Sleep: 3:25AM-6:25AM 6:40AM-8:35AM 9:20AM-11:10AM

Moon Phase:

Illness: jaw still a bother

What I feel: It was a nice change of pace to babysit a girl rather than boys. The parents came home late because of a bad accident, someone even died. I was really tired near the end of the night, but I kept going. We played dress up at one point and messed around on snapchat. She actually went to bed really easily.

Shopping Spree:

Started Projects:

Continued Projects:

Canceled Projects:

Finished Projects:

Did you take your medicine?: Yes 

Mood Journal {Counting One, Two, Fail}

Day: May 19 Thursday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather:

What I Ate

• Morning: egg burrito bowl 6:10AM
• Noon:
• Night: chicken pasta 10:15PM
• Snack: cookies

Menstrual:

Who was I with: 7:05AM-7:40AM math final, 9:45AM-10:55AM Ma

When was I alone:

Stressors [depressed]: I think I failed my math class, cut thumb pretty deep

Contributors [happy]:  done with all finals

Dreams:

Sleep: 2:45AM-5:40AM (nap 8:05AM-9:20AM, 11:30AM-5:20AM)

Moon Phase:

Illness: my jaw has been bothering me the past few days

What I feel: Well, I slept most of the day. I thought I passed my math final, but apparently not. 

Shopping Spree: ordered cheap steampunk sunglasses for Ryan

Started Projects: organized notes on phone

Continued Projects: designed asylum uniforms for Her Choker

Canceled Projects:

Finished Projects:

Homework: math Thursday 05/19

Tests: math Thursday 05/19

Did you take your medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Pissy Little Bunny}

Day: May 18 Wednesday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather:

What I Ate

• Morning: toasted English muffin Nutella sandwich 10:55AM
• Noon: fries 4PM
• Night: burrito bowl with egg 9:05PM  (didn't finish it so I'm putting it in the fridge to eat for breakfast)
• Snack: cookies, brownies, Nutella

Menstrual: N/A

Who was I with: 12:05PM-12:50PM psych final

When was I alone:

Stressors [depressed]:

Contributors [happy]:  done with 2/3 of my finals

Dreams:

Sleep: 2:25AM-8:50AM  (constant waking up during night and morning) nap 2:45PM-3:35PM

Moon Phase:

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I used to dislike my potbelly, it was my least favorite physical feature about myself. But now that I'm getting a flat stomach and it's almost gone, I wish it would stay. It going means I've lost a lot of weight, and that scares me. When I accept things from Bunny, she holds it over my head as reasons to be grateful, give back to her, and hang out with her. When I don't accept things, she complains that I never accept things from her. What's the big deal about not wanting to accept things? Like, she legit does have the worse timing anyway because I've usually just ate or something like that, but I don't want to accept anything from her when she's going to hold it over my head. I don't want to owe her any favors.

Shopping Spree:

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects:

Canceled Projects:

Finished Projects:

Homework: math Thursday 05/19

Tests: psych Wednesday 05/18 math Thursday 05/19

Did you take your medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Pill Thoughts}

Day: May 17 Tuesday 2016 

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: too damn hot that's for sure 

What I Ate

• Morning: cereal 10:15AM 

• Noon: chili and rice 12:35PM 

• Night: macaroni 5:10PM chicken sandwich and fries 9:35PM

• Snack:

Menstrual: N/A 

Who was I with:

When was I alone: practically all day

Stressors [depressed]: messed up chance to get an earlier appointment for sleep study

Contributors [happy]: finished  gender comm paper, received compliment on sing vid

Dreams: 

Sleep: 3:25AM-7:10AM (with constant waking in the middle of the night any morning that I willed myself back to sleep through) 8:15AM-9:25AM (1:35PM-4:10PM nap)

Moon Phase: 

Illness: N/A 

What I feel: So, I missed the chance to do my sleep and nose study sooner than later. My appointment is in mid July, but I'm on the wait list so if any appointments open up sooner, I can take it, and so this morning they called me about today at 1:15, but I thought I wouldn't be able to get a ride so I said no, but then I remembered I could take the bus, but as soon as I was able to get a hold of them a few minutes later, they already had given the appointment to someone else. The sooner I do the sleep study, the sooner I can start my ADHD medication. My psychiatrist doesn't want to start me until I do it because the medicine will mess up my sleep. I hope that when I do take ADHD medicine, it helps with what happened last night and school. Over 8 years of therapy, and even more of tutoring and trying to be an optimist, no one can tell me I haven't tried without the medication, no one can tell me I haven't tried other options, no one can shame me for this choice. This is my battle, my war, no one can tell me how I SHOULD fight it, only tell me ways I CAN. They aren't the ones fighting under my skin and against my brain. It really sucks, because looking back at so many things, all the signs and symptoms were there, but no one ruled it out as ADHD. I even have a progress report were they describe the main symptoms of ADHD as my problems academically. I remember how easy it was for me to get sidetracked or tree branch, especially during tutoring. All the times I get hyper then suddenly get so embarrassed afterward, feeling ashamed of my behavior and what I said. It was all there. The main reason I wanted to see a psychiatrist wasn't for depression, it was for ADHD. My struggles in school and because of ADHD was causing me to be depressed. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Homework: math Thursday 05/19 gender comm Thursday 05/19 [done]

Tests: psych Wednesday 05/18 math Thursday 05/19

Did you take your medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Everything is Demanding My Prompt Attention}

Day: May 16 Monday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather:

What I Ate

• Morning: hot pocket and waffles with butter and syrup  11:40AM
• Noon:
• Night: tater tots 8:45PM pasta 9:05PM 
• Snack: Nutella

Menstrual: N/A

Who was I with: my Ma a little bit through the day, Bear, Erick, and my dad off and on through night

When was I alone: most of the day

Stressors [depressed]: Bunny got angry, finals week, still haven't done course paper 

Contributors [happy]: Psych2Go magazine and hair pin came, got a possible job on Friday, post gone viral

Dreams:

Sleep: 1:55AM-6:25AM 6:40AM-9:50AM  9:55AM-11:05AM (accidental nap, I don't know when it started, but I awoke around 7:10PM) 

Moon Phase:

Illness:  N/A

What I feel: Been really bad about my mood  journals and charts. Oh, so Bunny suddenly just got angry. I told her we're fending for ourselves for dinner (I was heating myself up some tater tots and Bear was cooking pasta so I was gonna eat some of that), and Bunny hadn't realized we already started cooking for ourselves and made a suggestion for her and me, but Bear said she was heating up pasta if she would like any, which set Bunny off and she stormed out yelling at us. Later she texted up to see if we were still in the kitchen, which we both were cuz we were still cooking, but Bear responded to her with how she overreacted, so Bunny apparently was typing abuse to her. Sick or not, this is out of control. She is being set off WAY to easy nowadays. I got a text back from the people I babysit about the price and when the boys start school again. Apparently the parents of the girl across the street are interested in hiring me as well. My boss thinks she'll start paying me $225 a week instead of $125 since I'll be working 25hrs and not 14hrs as before. So I'll be getting paid $9 an hour. Why am I finding it so hard to write my psychology course paper? I have everything prepared and ready and whatnot, all I need to do is put it in my own words, so why am I finding this so hard? I am great as essays and papers, I'm an author for Pete's sake and was told I have English major in me, so why am I struggling? My brain is so hyperactive, but my body isn't quite matching that besides the wide eyes. My mind wants to focus on so many other things or just lay still and daze out. I'm confused and don't know what to do. I just want a bit of peace but I want to be productive. I feel like normally, this is the part where I break, have a meltdown, and an anxiety attack, but I think the medication has dried me out. I don't think I can get depressed or terribly anxious with the medicine and it's a little eerie. But I could just be wrong and it's nothing. I don't know how to explain it will. I am not out of it, just easily distracted and not able to focus on just one thing. Everything is calling for my attention, begging me to look at their details: the lines in the wood, the gleam of my light, the smudge on the mirror, the coats my head is laying upon. All I can do is think and create with only thoughts. Earlier, before I fell asleep, I was imagining scenarios for my story, but I didn't write them, all I could do was lay down and think. That's all I can do. I even cute skype chatting with Ryan short cuz I couldn't focus my attention on him. I feel like crawling into bed, I doubt I'll fall asleep with how awake and active I feel, but I can at least lay down.  At one point I had been messaging Opal, spamming him with funny images  and text from tumblr. Then I started messaging like (10:50PM): "Ooooooh, so I have a job Friday YESH! I can't wait to go to Niles with Ryan :3 Holy shit am I hyper right now?

Opal was chill with it and responded with: "heh"

Me: O_O sorry

O: sorry?

Me: If I start spamming

O: meh, it's fine

After I went to lay down (12:45AM), I began sending him more stuff, mainly funny things about ADHD (since we both have it). I then sent him my journal of everything up until me needing to lay down. I disappeared for a few minutes and came back with (it was related to a much earlier image but technically random still and it was as 2:25AM): "If I bought a lamb, I'd name it Olive Although, they had a goat, not lamb I'd name a goat Scape Scapegoat"

O: ... XD

Me: I'm going to the corner Oh wait, already in one...sorta Make my brain stop

O: count sheep

Me: Heh...then I'd think of Catherine They talked about counting sheep in it Plus, you are a sheep on your dreams The bar is called The Stray Sheep

O: fine, count weasels

Me: Too many syllables

O: ...I thought you just imagined weasels and counted the numbers

Me: *sends a picture of Miss Kitty next to me* She's so cute

O: what does it matter how many syllables the animal has

Me:  You go "1 sheep 2 sheep 3 sheep" But I think you're missing the point my brain is crowded enough *sends a picture of Miss Kitty* She's so cute

O: okay

Me: I wanna call Ryan just to hear his voice but I wouldn't know what to talk about and that'd be wasting his minutes for nothing

O: he's not asleep?

Me: Knowing him, probably not

O: oh

Me: But his sleepy voice is so precious Not that I've purposely called him when he's asleep

I called Ryan against my better judgement at 2:35AM, hoping he wouldn't answer, but he did. I told him I just wanted to hear his voice and apologized for wasting his minutes cuz it's not like I wanted to talk about anything, just hear his voice. He suggested we chat on skype but I told him that we probably shouldn't since I had nothing to talk about but since he couldn't hear me well he insisted upon it anyways and so we moved to Skype. We didn't video or call chat. On top of not being able to focus on someone on a screen, my mouth was too dry to talk. Before he came on I messaged: I don't know what to talk about I just wanted to hear your voice Sorry Didn't mean to waste your minutes over nothing Or efforts Sorry

Ryan: No problem, I am already awake want to chat?

Me: I don't know what to talk about My brain is kinda a train wreck right now, don't think I could hold down a conversation without getting distracted, losing track, or something

R: No problem, I am still down to semi talk partial conversation- ooh, a squirrel

Me: *I sent the pictures of Miss Kitty* Look how precious and cute she is I really should try to fall asleep I'm really sorry

R: Don't worry about it, I was already up Sure you don't want to talk for a bit?

Me: I feel like any moment my brain could melt out my ears Wow...I went to a weird and dark place *I tried changing the subject* Ummm...I'm hungry and have been contemplating bringing the Nutella up here But if I do I'll have to grab the water too cuz my mouth is dry 

R: I'm really sorry that you don't feel well

Me: But the melting thing doesn't feel bad My brain is just like HEY HEY HEY HEY SQUIRREL HAHAHAHA STRESS HEY HEY LIFE HEY SLEEEEEEEEP RYAN HEY HEY TUMBLR PANDAS HEY HEY FUCK YOU *I sent a picture of Miss Kitty who had gotten up and walked away from me* And being abandoned by my cat *I then took notice of my Edward Elric pillow in the photo* Edward is just glaring at my bed XD *I sent another picture since Miss Kitty had gotten closer to the point of touching me* She came closer

R: Having fun watching your cat?

Me: I'm not watching her at all, I'm turned away, I can just feel and hear her *I sent him the same journal entry I had sent Opal* I'm excited for Niles I'm excited for you

R: It will be great to be able to relax with you again

Me: I'm going to try getting all math hk and my gender comm paper done tomorrow

R: no stress, no worrying about class tomorrow, just us walking together through town

Me: Wait, tomorrow??? You mean Saturday? Or did you get tomorrow off? 

R:  What I mean is that on Saturday, I won't need to worry about going to school again for a while Most of our hangouts have been on school nights

Me: *a bit more of random rambling*

R: I can't wait to cuddle with you I am going to head off to bed, feel free to call me later if you can't sleep

Me: Sleep well

R: you too if you can

Me: In sorry to waste your time and efforts Love you G'nite

R: You are not wasting my time and efforts I love talking to you It makes me happy to know that you want to talk to me whether it be at 5 pm, or p am

Me: ...p am...

R: am* your ocd is showing

Me: I love you, sleep well, good night

R: Goodnight

Shopping Spree: felt extremely tempted to buy $70 garters that are perfect, but decided to wait until I go to Niles as well as until I get paid

Shopping Spree: felt extremely tempted to buy $70 garters that are perfect, but decided to wait until I go to Niles as well as until I get paid

Started Projects:

Continued Projects:

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects:

Homework: math Thursday 05/19 gender comm Thursday 05/19

Tests: psych Wednesday 05/18 math Thursday 05/19

Did you take your medicine?: Yes, but took them very late (7:15PM) and the new dosage (75mg)

 

Mood Journal {GOOD FUCKING MORNING}

Day: May 15 Sunday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather:

What I ate

-Morning: chocolate chip pancakes and scrambled eggs 11:45AM

-Noon:

-Night: chili 7:40PM

-Snack: chips, Nutella

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with:

When I was alone:

Stressors [depressed]: Bunny lost it this morning, still haven’t gotten things done

Contributors [happy]: dressed up, did cool special effects makeup, caught up with an old friend

Dreams:

Sleep: 2:30AM-9:55AM

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: Bunny started cooking breakfast for everyone, but I guess things started going wrong. She came into my room shortly after I woke up and asked if I’d help so I said yes and came down after I went to the bathroom. Suddenly things got really frustrating for her so she was showing that she was highly aggravated. Bear came to get OJ but then tried helping Bunny when she saw she was struggling. Bear tried helping her calm down but that only pissed her off so she began yelling and screaming. My ma heard the commotion and immediately came out, so we left it to her. I went into my room, locked the door, and called Ryan. I was numb actually. Usually I am a lot more panicked, maybe close to the point of tears, but I was doing better. Maybe it was the medication or just the familiarity of it. Bunny finished the breakfast eventually and we all ate with her. She really did lose it, though. She said she was angry because Bear tried to help her. She was saying how it was obvious that she was “slaving away” in the kitchen because we could hear and help from people would have been nice, but I didn’t hear anything, I literally had just gotten up, she could still have been asleep for all I knew. Apparently my ma was going to cook with her, but Bunny started without warning or asking for help. My makeup for today was pretty cool. All I did was the scar, but it turned out nicely. I really liked the dress, wig, and simplicity of the outfit and look. The character I dressed up as today actually does bare similarities to Bunny. They’re verbally abusive and is the older sister (not to mention both naturally blonde with green eyes). You want to feel bad for them, you want them to be happy, but it’s hard when they act so nasty and preventing themselves from being happy. They’re prejudice, judgmental, rude, and pessimist. This isn’t the only big sister that has a similarity to Bunny. I have another one where they’re even the same age difference as her and me. I think both instances were accidental and subconscious, but it really says a lot with how I might view older sisters sometimes. I don’t hate these characters. I do feel bad for and pity them, but I also recognize their negative quite a lot. I think it really does reflect Bunny quite a bit. I hate feeling like I’m villain-izing her, but she makes it too easy not to. Oh, I was gonna try to write one of my essays, at least the psych, or maybe even try to organize my paper stuff and drawing…yeah, no…didn't happen.

Shopping Spree:

Started Projects:

Continued Projects:

Canceled Projects:

Finished Projects:

Homework: math Thursday 05/19  Gender Comm Thursday 05/19 4PM

Tests: Psych test Wednesday 05/11 Psych Final Wednesday 05/18 Math Final Thursday 05/19

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

 

Mood Journal {CAN’T STOP ME NOW}

Day: May 14 Saturday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather:

What I ate

-Morning: N/A

-Noon: hot pocket 12:40PM

-Night: pigs in a blanket 5:05PM rice 6:40PM

-Snack: Nutella

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with:

When I was alone:

Stressors [depressed]:

Contributors [happy]: dressed up, beautiful outfit, going to go to Niles with Ryan this week

Dreams:

Sleep: 1:40AM-11:05AM (got up at 12:20PM)

Moon Phase: First Quarter

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I was really pumped tonight and got quite a lot done.

Shopping Spree: almost did online shopping

Started Projects: organized room

Continued Projects:

Canceled Projects:

Finished Projects: organized and rearranged cosmetics and desk

Homework: math Thursday 05/19  Gender Comm Thursday 05/19 4PM

Tests: Psych test Wednesday 05/11 Psych Final Wednesday 05/18 Math Final Thursday 05/19

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes