Day: July 2 Saturday 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day:
Weather:
What I Ate
-Morning: buttered waffles with syrup 11:50AM
-Noon: canned salmon 1:25PM
-Night: spaghettios 5:20PM
-Snack: cupcakes
Menstrual:
Who was I with:
When was I alone:
Stressors [depressed]:
Contributors [happy]:
Dreams:
Sleep: 1AM-7:25AM 7:35AM-9:30AM
Moon Phase:
Illness:
What I feel: I really wanted to hang out with someone on 4th of July so I don't have to hang out with my sister, and I feel awful for saying that, but it's true. I didn't want anyone to feel inclined to though just because I'm being petty and paranoid, I don't want to intrude or be an inconvenience. But Opal said he'd hang out with me, which would be nice since we don't get to see each other often because of school. Bunny has been trying hard to convince me to go to Napa with her on Sunday (even though I have plans with Chloe, but it's cuz I forgot and thought it was Monday she was going). I told her that I was hanging out with Chloe tomorrow and we might hang out on the 4th too, but she was like "Are you sure you don't want to go tomorrow? You can hang with Chloe on the 4th?" Even though I said might and that it wasn't definite for Monday. She dropped it with a simple "ok" after I told her about Chloe and then Opal, but I know she's upset and it'll bite me in the ass later. But I know it'll bite me in the ass if I go or hang out with her either day, because it's a 2hr drive to and from Napa and I really don't want to do that with her. And it'll be after work and then night so she'll be cranky. And who knows if she'll get pissed while there. Or what she'll want to talk to me about on the ride because if I don't talk it'll be criminal. She's still hung up on Jeremy, so there's a bit of jealousy around me being in a healthy and happy relationship. And I really don't want her to pry and I have to come out about Lily before we might actually start dating or just come out about looking for a third in general and hear a lecture from her especially since she got pissy over me just joking about Opal being my boyfriend when I'm dating Ryan. See I'm paranoid and overthinking things. But something ALWAYS happens, without fail. And a 2hr drive, something is bound to happen. She's been really on edge recently too. Like, more so than usual. And much more easily to snap, and I'm not the only who to notice. But I'll tell you something, if she has an episode that I deem as possibly dangerous, I WILL 50-1-50 her. Not saying it'll come to that, but if it does. And if I somehow end up in a car and she get volatile, I'll make her pull over and I'll walk, take the bus, or get a Lyft. There's times in the past where I believed she should have been 50-1-50ed because she either threatened to kill herself, harm herself, or smashed a beer bottle and come at my Ma with it. And yet no one did anything. Not to mention when she drove when she had a DUI and wasn't allowed to drive (my Ma threatened to call the police but didn't cuz she called her begging her not to). When she goes on a big tirade, I lock myself in my room which once was a good call because she charged at my door and tried to get in. Once, on the drive home from Napa, at the very beginning, she got into an argument with my parents (starting with my dad) and when she argues there's lots of tears and yelling and screaming (my dad is a bit of a hothead too). We were in a tiny 4 seater car, so I'm sitting next to her think "GREAT, just the way to start a 2hr drive in a cramped car." Then, when you're her passenger, she won't let you sleep while she drives no matter how tired, how hard you've worked, or how late it is. She won't even let you not talk to her on a drive without freaking out a bit. She's snapped at me in the past for being too quiet on a car ride. I think she's afraid of silence. She can't not have either music playing, movies/shows playing, or someone talking to her without her being uncomfortable or agitated in some way. She's like really addicted to watching things, she even does it when in the shower. I really don't want to ruin her life or career by 50-1-50ing her, but if I feel like she's an endangerment to herself or even me (but I know I can take her, I'm just scared of hurting her, she is my sister after all and I do love her despite everything), I won't be afraid too. She's harming herself more than anyone else with this behavior and obviously needs more professional help than what she's getting. Hurting someone or herself is more damaging then being hospitalized or under watch again…at least, that's how I'm gonna look at it. She's been hospitalized 2-3 times I believe. How I spend my nights alone I guess: cuddled up with 2 big dogs, drawing, watching Markiplier play horror, and eating cookie dough with milk.
Shopping Spree:
Started Projects:
Continued Projects: Plague Girl albums
Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects:
Did you take your medicine?: yes
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