Day: July 4 Monday 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day:
Weather:
What I Ate
-Morning: pita pizza and canned salmon 10:35AM
-Noon:
-Night: hot dogs 6:10PM
-Snack: pita, ice cream cupcake, popcorn
Menstrual:
Who was I with: 6:45PM-10:10PM Bunny
When was I alone:
Stressors [depressed]:
Contributors [happy]:
Dreams:
Sleep: 1:20AM-3:35AM 3:40AM-7:15AM 7:25AM-8:05AM (nap 3:25PM-5:45PM)
Moon Phase:
Illness:
What I feel: So Opal had to cancel on me cuz his aunt and uncle are coming over, I hadn’t told my ma yet, when she suggested I do something with Bunny cuz she’s lonely. It’s not that I can’t tell. Of course she’s lonely, she doesn’t have any friends left in this state and her family walks around on eggshells around her. I feel bad for my sister, I really do, but I’m still paranoid that something will happen. I’m alone, who is to stop her if she goes off? I fought the urge to text my ma back, “I am not going out with that woman. I love her, she’s my sister, and I do feel bad for her, but little sisters aren’t supposed to be scared of their big sisters. I don’t care how many good moments she’s had, how sweet she can be and actually is, how much she loves me, or how much I love her, I do not want to willingly place myself into a hostile environment such as hers. I absolutely hate feeling that way about her, I really do, I hate myself and often think I’m a terrible sister, but haven’t even you been worried she could get physical? Haven’t even you experience her being physical and trying to harm you? I’m crying as I write this, that’s how much guilt I feel for feeling the way I do toward her, but how much fear she strikes into the heart of me. I’m sure that most of my problems about viewing myself in a negative light have been stemmed by her and her treatment and volatile nature. I know it’s not fully her fault, she needs help that she’s not getting. I’m alone with her, what will I do if there is a problem? I know in the end I’m just being paranoid and petty, but I really am scared of my older sister. I’m scared of hurting her, and I’m scared of her hurting me. I know she’s been supportive and loving, but she’s been so on edge recently and so much more easier to snap. I don’t want to go out with her. I’ll stay in doors, watch something with her, but I will not go out with her.” So tonight just goes to show that I'm paranoid, but an optimist. I ended up going to a movie with her despite saying I didn't feel up to going out because she will never take "no" for an answer. I had even told her I wasn't feeling too well, which was true and she heard me sniffling and blowing my nose, and yet she still kept pushing. Nothing bad happened, luckily. Some days are like that.
Shopping Spree:
Started Projects:
Continued Projects:
Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects:
Did you take your medicine?: Yes
No comments:
Post a Comment