Day: March 18, 2016
Certain Emotion
on Time of Day: anxious most of day, a little panicked in the afternoon
Weather: 51˚-67˚
What I ate
-Morning: N/A
-Noon: Olive Garden (soup and salmon) 12:30PM
-Night: bacon cheese fries 7:20PM and burger 9:15PM
-Snack: cupcakes
Menstrual: N/A
Who I was with: mother 10:30AM-5:15PM, 11AM-12PM DSPS
appointment, 2:30PM-3:00PM Carotid Study
When I was alone: before 10:30AM, after 5:15PM
Stressors [depressed]: Carotid Study’s the sonographer’s
reaction has made me nervous, looked at my grade and GPA from the past few
semesters
Contributors [happy]: saw DSPS, reflected on past grades and
struggles
Dreams: video game
Sleep: 12:15AM-5:00AM then fell asleep again 6:35AM-9:45AM
Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous
Illness: N/A neck is sore
What I feel: I went to the DSPS today to talk about what I’m
illegible for. I hope they’re able to help me. I went to lunch with my ma and
it was very nice and calm. Ate more than usual. Went to a Carotid Study and the
sonographer seemed concerned. Said my lymphodes are bigger from swollen on my
left side. He began asking questions about me having past diagnoses and family
having either cancer, thyroid, or other related cases. I know it could be
nothing, but the sonographer did seem sincerely concern. Played HuniePop as I
waited to talk to Ryan. After I got home, I went through all my past report
cards and progress reports. I took a picture of every single one of them and
posted this message with them online: “This year, 2016, I was diagnosed with
ADHD. For 19 and half years of my life, I've been struggling with an unhelped,
untreated, and undiagonsed disorder, not realizing I had it (I also had been
diagonosed with dyslexia years before but wasn't aware of it myself until my
freshmen year of high school). It wasn't until late 2015 that I started to
suspect that I did as I had began to gain knowledge on it. My grades have most
certainly been a rollercoaster, probably seeing more downs than ups, but
despite it all, as terrible as my grades were and still tend to be, I'm proud
of them for being an untreated person with ADHD at the time. I'm not proud of
them being low at all, but I'm proud I made it. It was hard, but I constantly
saw comments that I worked and tried hard, which makes me glad to know that in
the back of my brain was the desire to suceed.
It's still very nervewrecking to
post these. I hadn't even told my therapist of over four years that I was
struggling this much and whatnot until I became concerned of ADHD. But, I've
come to peace with my shame. I'm learning and growing from my past that I
regret so much. I'm moving forward and reciving help, taking it in any way I
can.
And so, to anyone else struggling with a learning disability or attention
disorder, or just struggling whether you know why or not: I believe in you. You
CAN do it. Maybe just trying to work hard might not be the only solution, you
might require outside help whether it be tutoring, therapy, and/or medication,
but I know you will make it no matter what. Never give up, and keep going. I
did. And I still am.” It was a strange sort of curiousity as I went into my
files. Almost like I was unlocking mysteries of my past. I think my school
figured I had dyslexia or at least some sort of problem when I was in third
grade, I’m guessing this from a file I found. It made me wonder how my parents
must have felt, I remember my ma telling me she wanted to deny that I had any
issues when people first pointed it out. It also makes me wonder that if it was
just the dyslexia they noticed or perhaps the ADHD or both. I constantly had
either a low D or F in English, especially with writing workshop. Isn't that
funny, the author failed at writing. Someone who was told by a high school
English teacher, who loved the language very much, that she had English Majors in
her, was the one who failed English for over four years. Not to mention how
much of a Grammar Nazi I am. Having an ultrasound was interesting…very warm
gel.
Shopping Spree: N/A
Started Projects: N/A
Continued Projects: N/A
Canceled Projects: N/A
Finished Projects: N/A
Homework: math due Thursday 3/17
Tests: psych midterm Monday 3/28
Did You Take Your
Medicine?: Yes
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