Day: April 19 Tuesday 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day:
Weather: 56˚-78˚ bullshit it was at least in the 80’s
What I ate
-Morning: chocolate cake 8:30AM
-Noon:
-Night: lamb chops and fries 7:10PM
-Snack: tapioca pudding
Menstrual: N/A
Who I was with:
When I was alone:
Stressors [depressed]: I got a lot of candy, drama with my
ex’s
Contributors [happy]: Gender and Sex Fair went well, I got a
lot of candy
Dreams:
Sleep: 12:50AM-4:15AM 4:30AM-5:15AM 5:20AM-6:00AM
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent
Illness: slight cough, agitated eye this morning fixed with
drops
What I feel: Everything was going so well today. I had a great
time at the fair, I got a bunch of candy, cuddled with Ryan. But then I go on
OKCupid and what do I see? My ex-girlfriend. It says she’s looking for a
non-monogamous person. I ask her about it. My first thought was “If they're
looking for a third again, I am going to slap them. This better be them looking
for an open relationship.” I asked her if she was looking for a side person.
Erika had said, “Yeah, kinda. Its more so to meet friends or a a poly person. Also
to boost my confidence.” EXCUSE ME. If they got OKCupid just so that people
will flirt with them to boost their confidence but they're not really
interested in dating, I'm ripping them a new one. You don't do that on dating
sites. You don't false advertise. There are people who are legit looking for
someone, you don't lead them on. If you're looking for friends, you say so, you
don't say you're interested in dating and then tell the person who messages you
that you weren't really. And you don't make an account just to see how many
likes you get, because there are people who are expecting to get a like back.
Before getting a message back from Erika, I had messaged Travis asking if they
were still together cuz Erika accidentally put that she was single on her
profile. He responded with yes and asked why I asked but I told him never mind
and not to worry about it cuz Erika got back to me by that time. So he said, “Oh,
was it Okay Cupid? Yeah, everyone got one cause of me :/ I felt down one day so
a friend recommended it to boost my confidence, to have people tell me I'm
attractive I guess. (I'm not) and it'd help with the whole poly thing too so.” So
I asked, “Are you guys looking for another third?” He simply resonpnded with a “Ye.”
Ye? You're fucking telling your ex that you broke up with cuz you couldn't be
poly that you're trying poly again with a "ye???" I will slap you
fucking silly. I may not harbor romantic or sexual feelings for them anymore,
but this fucking hurts. I know they probably didn’t, but it felt like they lied.
It's not OK. I wanted to scream. So, anger boiling, in tears, I messaged him
back honestly, not caring if I was hurting him or being cruel, “Don't. It'll be
hell for them. You two are not built to be a triad. Maybe you, but not Erika. But
maybe even not you because you don't have the best of mentality for it. You
sneak too much, and I don't mean that in a bad way, but you can't do that in a
triad. You guys neglected me and made me feel like shit. I'm not saying this to
hurt your feelings, I'm saying this to avoid you making a mistake again. You
may think I have no right to say you can or can't date, but I'm saying this now
so you don't hurt someone again.” Then another simple response from him, “understood.”
So I said, “I'm sorry, but you can't break up with me saying it's only because
you can't be in a triad and then look to be in a triad again.” Then later I had
finally said, “By the way. Don't use dating sites to "boost your
confidence." That's shitty to people who are serious on those sites. You
are an attractive person, stop downgrading yourself. But don't you dare use
dating sites as an ego boost. People are on there to find real things, it's
almost like false advertising if you're not really interested in people. I know
you said you're searching, but be completely honest on your profile that you
have a girlfriend and how serious you are about finding a third. Setup what you
are fully looking for.” I just don't want to talk to them again. The fuck is
wrong with them? They didn't learn? I thought they knew they hurt me. They said
themselves that they were dicks to me, their words not mine. And now they want
to put someone else through that? It was fun in the beginning, but it fucking
hurt as it went on. Ryan was there for me more than the two of them combined,
and he was just my friend while they were both my lovers. I even knew and
talked to them more than I talked to him. If I was absent, he'd message me, not
them. He invited me out to hang out more than they ever did. They snuck behind
my back and didn't tell me things until after the fact and probably wouldn't
have told me if I hadn't caught them. Travis even tried sneaking behind Erika's
back with me, but I was honest with her and told her what was up. For example,
once when Erika had a coldsore, he wouldn't kiss me in front of her and would
sneak off with me to kiss me behind her back so she wouldn't get jealous. I
kissed her that night even with the coldsore as I told her the truth. We'd be
flirty and send pics behind her back. Our little meeting that was supposed to
happen before the breakup but Ryan came instead, I don't think he ever planned
on telling her. And then they went on dates behind my back without inviting or
even just telling me. I don't care if I wasn't invited, but you should tell me.
And Erika wasn't comfortable with telling me things sometimes like when she was
depressed or her dog died and I had to hear it from Travis. Those are serious
things that you tell someone you're dating. I wasn't welcomed. I was in the honeymoon
phase until close to the end while their honeymoon phase was maybe a week.They
forget that a triad isn't them + another
it's him + her, her + her, and her + him. You're all separate
relationships in one. They didn't treat me equally and like I was one of them.
And you can't be overly sneaky or overly jealous in poly, those are the top 2
no no traits for poly in my opinion. Especially in the same triad. Jealousy is
fine, it's very natural, but when you're too jealous it's not OK. And then when
you sneak, not ok, you have to equal with your partners unless you have a
hierarchy relationship but you can't sneak in any relationship, to be honest.
Open communication is key in all relationships. They're not worth my tears. I'm
not crying over loss of them, if anything it's over loss of time. I'm glad I
got the experience and have educated myself better on what to avoid. I'm crying
because I'm angry that they would be so ignorant and arrogant. That they are
willing to put someone through this again.
Shopping Spree:
Started Projects:
Continued Projects:
Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects:
Homework: psych essay Wednesday 04/27
Tests: N/A
Did You Take Your
Medicine?: Yes
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