Day: April 29, 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day:
Weather:
What I ate
-Morning: cereal 8:20AM
-Noon: steak, mashed potatoes, and enchilada 11:55AM
-Night: steak and mashed potatoes 8:10PM
-Snack: tapioca pudding
Menstrual: N/A
Who I was with: 2PM-4PM Ryan
When I was alone: before 2 for the most part, after 4 for the
most part
Stressors [depressed]: am now 113lbs, I fucked up, Ryan’s
father’s cancer came back
Contributors [happy]: got another job offer
Dreams:
Sleep: 2:05AM-8:00AM (with little wakeups in the morning)
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent
Illness:
What I feel: I got all dressed up and ready to go and do it, I
was ready and looked great, but Ryan did it without me. So I got dressed up and
my ma drove me out there for practically nothing. It was mainly my problem, I
wanted to handle it. It wasn’t his place to do it alone. I was going to be calm
and mature, I was going to be honest, but he took that from me. He took my
chance to stand up for myself and find out for myself. I stormed out on him. I
then called him in the car and asked if he wanted to come to my house as long
as he was OK with taking the bus to work. Ryan came over and we talked about it
a little. Apparently there was just a misunderstanding in a sense. That it was
what someone else was saying and Travis didn’t change his story. Apparently I
was supposed to talk to him once I got there, but Ryan didn’t tell me. So I
texted Erika (because with everything blocked, she’s the only one I can message
and only by text), "By the way, if you guys want to talk to me, you'll
have to do it in person, I'm not going for texting as communication." To
which she responded with, "CSR, this is all I have to say. We are through.
There is nothing more between you me and Travis. What we do together on okcupid
is none of your business, so please just leave us alone. I'm sorry stuff went
south between us, but we learn from our mistakes and frankly there isn't
anything to talk about in real life. I hoped this would blow over and we could
move past this but I think it's better if we just don't talk. Maybe things will
change in the future but as of right now the water is too hot and we're all too
stressed and upset to talk. Again, there's nothing to talk about, best of luck
in love and life." And then I typed up, against Ryan's better judgment,
"I don't care about your love life. I want nothing to do with you or your
fuckboy boyfriend. Sorry I resorted to name calling, but I'm frustrated. At
first I was worried you broke up and needed support, that's why I contacted you
guys, but when he told me you were looking for a third I just was worried you
two could hurt someone like you hurt me. I'm glad I don't have to talk to you
guys. That's why I blocked you and am no longer on your OKCupid or any social
site. It's just that we were hearing rumors from other people and it sounded
like it was coming off like I was starting shit and conflict and people were
treating Ryan poorly. He has nothing to do with this. You can do with your love
life whatever you like, I want no part of it. I am not trying to talk to either
of you about your love life just the rumors and gossip that is going on. I am
fed up with Travis most of all and don't want to see or talk to him or even
you. I don't care if I'm burning a bridge, I'm too emotionally spent and tired
to deal with either of you or your friends anymore. I just wanted things to
leave Ryan alone. But it seems that it was just one person and it had nothing
do with it, so everything's cleared, water under the bridge. I don't care
anymore. I was just saying, if you needed to, you know how to." I then
added, "I hope the two of you are happy together, just be careful, please.
That's all I ask." I then cuddled with Ryan more before I walked him to
the bus stop. After a while, I reread the message: "We are through. There
is nothing more between you me and Travis." That really makes me think
that she thinks I want in on them again. So, I sent a message I shouldn't have,
"The person who needs to be told we're through is Travis, not me." To
which she said, "He knows already, please just stop this. We don't want
drama in our lives and we're done. I'm sorry." So I said, "Bye :) I'm
sorry too. I'm not trying to hurt you. And I don't want drama, I didn't want to
talk and I won't talk to you guys again after this. We're through." I
really shouldn't have sent that message. So, after thinking about it, I also
sent, "I want to apologize for that last message before you messaged me
back. I shouldn't have said that. That was way out of line and I don't want you
to get the wrong idea. I hope you two can have a drama free life and I'll try
my best to as well. I'm not trying to start anything, I'm trying to end it. I'm
in a really happy place and Travis upset me. I'm not angry with you. Take care
of yourself, alright :) I'm sorry if I seemed like I bitched out, I never do
this." I’m such a dumbass. I was just so angry and upset. She thought I
wanted them back, that this was me trying to start things and attack them. I
really wish I hadn’t sent that message, but I wish even more that Ryan didn’t
talk to them without me. Gods, it’s so hard to bite my tongue right now, my
impulses are going to the max. I just wanted to tell her the truth about
Travis, of how he flirted with me, planned to have sex with me, asked to be
friends with benefits. If she only knew. Knew that her boyfriend was a fuckboy
sack of bullshit. But then again, I suppose I have a right to be upset with her
too. The passive little sore loser who doesn’t want to get involved with
anything and is too much of a coward to break up to my face. The jealous one
who got upset if Travis was only talking to me, and now she wants to try poly
again. The one who couldn’t trust me to tell me important things like her dog
dying. I keep thinking I’m overreacting but some people say I’m not. Why do I
want to feel like I’m overreacting? Is it because they’re making me feel like
the bad guy so I want them to be right? I am a terrible person. I should have
just kept my mouth shut. Why did I have to do that? And there’s no one to talk
to right now. I can’t tell my ma. Ryan is at work. Opal is on a flight. Lori
isn’t online. I just told Emerald we want to just be friends. I’m pathetic. I’m
a little baby. Gods I hate myself. Stop crying. Stop feeling bad for yourself.
You overreacted and bitched out. You started shit when you didn’t need to. You
fucked up, you hopeless person. Great job. Now you are alone with your
thoughts. You put yourself in this situation. I wish I never heard about that.
I wish Ryan hadn’t said anything to me about them possibly gossiping. Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. I’m pathetic. Needing someone to tell me my feelings are valid and
that I wasn't in the wrong. Something tells me that’s not going to happen this
time. Something tells me I’m not valid and I was wrong. I wish I could just
forget this all happened. I wish I could take it back. There’s no one left for
me to be angry with buy myself. I can’t stay angry at Ryan and after how mean I
was to Erika, I can’t be angry with her or Travis. Just feel guilty. I wanted
to tell her so bad. I really am a terrible person. I just want to scream. As
I’m writing this, all I can think is how I want to show this to Travika, but
then I remember that I practically shit talked them. Why can’t I tell them the
truth? I am not perfect, far from it. Why else would I hate myself? I bitch too
much, I can be so insensitive, I can expect to much, I can overreact, I am a
spoiled brat, and the list goes on. I’m an arrogant asshole. It is so sickening
and hurting just to think about what I said and did. Every time I look at the
text, just a glimpse of it, I am thrown into great feelings of discomfort. I
wish I would stop crying. Maybe I’ll stop feeling this way if I talk to
someone. I hope I do. I was happy. Why did it have to come down to this? Why
did I have to fuck up so bad? Maybe I really am bipolar or cyclothymic and I’m
just in a manic or hypomanic phase. Maybe it’s a mixed phase. I’m just so
angry. Or at least was. Now it’s been replaced my anxiety that is crushing me
from inside out. I wish I could see my psychiatrist sooner. I won’t be starting
my sleep study until July which means I can’t start ADHD medicine until then
which doesn’t help me for this semester. I think I need something to calm me
down, I’m freaking out. Breathe. Breathe. I just picked a scab from when I
scratched one of my bug bites too much and now it’s kind of bleeding a lot.
Fucking up again and again and again. I saw it was going to bleed too, and I
still went for it. I tried to see if I could make a sooner appointment with my
psychiatrist, but the office seems to be closed right now, so I can’t call and
just made an appointment request online. We’ll see what will happen. I’ve
calmed down. Playing Su Doku helped a bit. Lori came online and so we’ve been
chatting. It’s just…it’s weird to feel like I can’t even trust myself. I feel
so nasty and viscous. When I read, “please just stop this” I felt a stab in my
heart. I couldn’t believe myself. I feel like watching Perks of Being a
Wallflower, though I know it’ll make me sob like a complete crybaby. Watched
the Ah! My Goddess movie instead. I’ve calmed down and the only thing I hope is
that this doesn't cause drama or problems. I won’t talk to them, I haven’t
been. I know where they'll be and when, but I don't even hang out in that area,
which is really gonna suck though when I start taking drama classes again.
Gods, I was being such a bitch. I’m so disappointed and ashamed with myself.
What the fuck? Why the fuck did I do that? Opal and Lori are saying I wasn’t
terrible, one saying I was valid and the other saying they can’t blame me. Not
saying it justifies anything. I never act like this. I’ve tried to be so nice
to them, I tried being their friend, but they would rather ignore me. Brian
stopped harassing them, mainly Travis, thanks to Ryan and me. In fact, I was so
upset when I found out about Brian harassing him that I was ready to give him a
piece of my mind. Is it weird that the thought to make them cupcakes with an
anon note saying “I’m sorry” and give it to them anonymously somehow has
crossed my mind? I’m not going to do it, that’s a terrible idea, but it
certainly popped into my head. So yeah, I fucked up. But at least I’m eating. I
ate 3 full meals today. I can’t believe I’m 113lbs. Scary. I’ve come up with a
rule for myself that if I feel hungry, eat as soon as possible. I’m probably
having the massive weight loss from the medication. Going to bed soon and then
getting up in a couple of hours to Skype with Ryan. I’m probably going to do
check out my dating sites. Trying my best to block out earlier from my head. I
kept trying not to think about it, but the thoughts kept popping back into my
head. The anxiety was crushing me, making feel sick like I might puke. At one
point when Ryan and I were talking over chat, I sent him what I had written in
this entry, I apologized profusely for what I did and then apologized that I
didn’t want to talk about it. I eventually said “Thinking about it was making
anxious to the point I was feeling sick and like I might vomit, but now I'm
sorta just getting numb thinking about it” because it was true, so we sorta talked
a little about it but I began crying and I felt the anxiety returning so I told
him let’s stop because I was becoming a mess already. He felt terrible. He felt
bad that this all happened and like it was his fault. But I’m the one who
should have held my tongue, held back my temper, but I never have needed to
before, I’ve never been this before. When Ryan and I were video chatting, at
one point is mother came into his room and told him that his father’s cancer
came back. When we hang out at my house again, we might watch Perks of Being a
Wallflower and then It’s Kind of a Funny Story to lighten the mood. I’d like
that.
Shopping Spree:
Started Projects:
Continued Projects: Cry Babies of C.S.R.
Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects:
Homework: math Tuesday 05/03
Tests: N/A
Did You Take Your
Medicine?: Yes (took another UTI pill) 
