Mood Journal {WHOOP THERE IT IS}

Day: February 1 Monday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: didn’t want to get out of bed, overwhelmed about seeing ex’s (shortly after waking up and before getting out of bed), moment I stepped off the bus I had great anxiety about avoiding my ex’s and self-hate for feeling that way (11:30AM), calmed down around 3:30ishPM, was feeling very aggressive probably around 8:15PM and then got very hyper around 9:30PM

Weather: 43˚-57˚ partly cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: cereal 9:50AM

-Noon: sandwich from Starbucks 3:15PM

-Night: N/A

-Snack: enchilada 9:30PM

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 12:40ishPM Chloe, 12:45PM-2:20PM class, 3:00PM-6:30PM babysitting, 8:15-9:35PM Skype chat with Ryan

When I was alone: up until 12:40ishPM, 6:15PM-8:15PM, after 9:35PM

Stressors [depressed]: ex’s

Contributors [happy]: supportive friends

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: 12:35AM-9:00AM

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: No matter what, I just don’t want to see Travika. It was just Travis at first but I’m worried Erika might say something that can set me off. I’m not upset with her, just him, but it’s like playing with matches next to a gas leak, IT IS A INCREDIBLY BAD IDEA. But I’m upset with myself for feeling this way, and I’m not even telling them or any of there friends that I don’t want to be around them and why. They don’t know I’m upset or even avoiding them. I almost just want to be alone. I don’t want to be bothered by people, at least those I can’t tolerate for long amounts of time. Guess it's my fault. I'm the one choosing to not be around them, so I can only be upset with myself for having to change locations. But I guess I'm not close with their friends anyway. Only problem is now Chloe hangs out there so I had to tell her I'm not going to be. It's my problem that's causing a problem. No one's done anything wrong but I'm just being pissy and petty. No one to blame except me. I choose to come early because I'm too restless to wait around, and I choose to avoid them because I'm too anxious to hang around. But it's also that it hurts just thinking about them, I've been feeling so anxious it makes me sick. I've been harboring some of these feelings before this, but not as severe, they only got worse that day. And it's not even them not caring. I couldn't give a rat's ass if they cared or not. It's the "we already knew" part that set me off. Why is it they everyone fucking knows my love life before I do? If Ryan knew they were going to break up with me, then EVERYONE must have known. Everyone knew at least a month in advance before I did. But they also were making it out like they thought we'd date like the next day, and when they said that I said "wow, how much of a slut do you think I am?" And I had asked Travis before the official breakup how long I should wait and he told me a month. Why would I ask for advice I didn't plan to follow? Chloe said I should tell them that I don't want to see them. That I shouldn't keep it in and let it fester because it's causing me some serious anxiety and self-hate. It also doesn't seem fair that they don't know (at least to me). I wouldn't tell them off or anything, I'm just gonna politely put that I'm dealing with some things and need some space. I phrased it as "Hey, don't take this the wrong way (it has nothing to do with Ryan either), but I am dealing with some personal things and I sort of just want some space from you. I'm not sure for how long, but I don't really want to talk for a while, and I hope you can respect that." Oh, and apparently it was obvious I was upset today cuz the moment Chloe (and even Chance when I got off the bus) saw me this moment, they could tell I wasn't happy and whatnot. I think it’s more likely I have cyclothymic disorder than bipolar disorder. I really wanted to tell him why I'm upset and avoiding him, it feels like it'd be so liberating and righteous and whatnot...but I think I'm just being a vengeful bitch. I know he deals with serious depression and has a bad environment at home (he used to cut himself), but I don't think him being a fragile snowflake is making me hold back my punches 1. They're friends with my boyfriend 2. I still think there's a chance I'm overreacting  3. It probably would be deemed as wrong or unfair. He’s a liar, a sneak, manipulative, a gossip, a pushover, (a pig,) cowardly, a flake. He's a good and nice person, but right now I'm just seeing the negative and I'm starting to think that maybe asking for space is the wrong option, that it might be more beneficial for me to be around them to get to know them differently and as friends. I think I'm slightly freaking out because I'm not feeling angry anymore. I'm feeling really confused and conflicted. I think it's because it'd satisfy my anger to let him now that I'm upset with him and why, not avoiding him. And I know that's wrong. I know I should avoid conflict. But I know if it was me, I'd want to know that I hurt someone. And I was worried to because I feel like it might be too mean or that it's out of the blue or could cause some unnecessary drama or like that's what I was told not to do. I think I made Travis cry after I told him that I was upset and why. He said that he felt hurt that I don't trust him and then grew silent and didn't read my message for a while. He was probably crying and I feel bad. Then after all that was over DEAR GODS MY HYPER-NESS LEVEL (and earlier my aggression level) IS RIDICULOUS RIGHT NOW…maybe I do have bipolar or cyclothymic. (Before I sent the messages, I was talking with Ryan about wanting to punch Travis…and how I could probably take him in a fight. Ryan said that it'd probably be very entertaining to see that fight, and after I said I could probably win he said that would probably be even more so entertaining. But Travis probably agrees with me on that, he found me intimidating once and then when he saw me do one arm pushups he told me to remind him not to mess with me.)

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/2 (done), gender comm due Tuesday 2/2 (done)

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes