Mood Journal {Come On and Break Me In (These Are Lyrics From a Song Stuck in My Head)}

Day: February 29, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: confusion since afternoon or so, lonely in evening to night, sad at night

Weather: 52˚-77˚

What I ate

-Morning: Froot Loops 7:40AM

-Noon: BBQ chicken and rice 3:15PM

-Night: tri-tip, shrimp, and fries 9:20PM

-Snack: pudding, hash brown, calzone

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 8:30AM-9:00AM appointment, 9:00AM-11:20AM ma, 11:20AM-11:45AM friends and ex, 12:45PM-1:05PM class, 1:50PM-6:30PM babysitting

When I was alone: after 6:30PM

Stressors [depressed]: feeling lonely, the girl from yesterday blocked me with no warning and despite the fact that we were getting along

Contributors [happy]: really like my hairstyle (it’s super cute)

Dreams: N/A

Sleep: 1:25AM-5:50AM

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: So the girl from yesterday blocked me on Facebbok. And I know she's ignoring me on OKC because I can see that she read my message. Guess I should give up, but it's startling because we were really getting along. It was weird and abrupt, even if she didn't wanna keep in touch anymore, blocking seems a bit too much. I didn't say anything too flirty or objectifying, rude, mean, we were agreeing on a lot of stuff, she even checked out my art and really liked it. Seemed like things were going fine. Guess I should take this as a sign that things aren't gonna work then. It's disappointing cuz I was really liking her and it seemed like the same (not to mention how gorgeous she is), but oh well. There's plenty of fish. I've had other girls interested, it's just I thought we were actually connecting. Did she hate me the entire time and just pretended she didn't so I wouldn't get offended cuz I was actually annoying her??? It was her idea to become FB friends…but that's probably not it...why would you go to the effort to comment on their photos and stuff if you hate them? Or even are annoyed with them? Last night didn't seem like it was one-sided. Well, I might never know what the fuck happened. Like its apparent she blocked me, so I should just give up on her. It's just weird and disconcerting is all. I'm assuming the other girls who have showed interest aren't online when I am, so I guess I'm sorta feeling lonely. I really want to flirt and talk to Ryan or a girl who's interested in us. I want to be affectionate. But theres no one to do that with. I haven’t seen Ryan since Saturday, I haven’t even been able to Skype, message, or call him. As soon s I typed that message I felt the sharp pain of tears shoot through my face. But not when they come out, only when they’re behind your face. I didn’t cry, but I felt the anguish tear through my flesh. Maybe he’ll Skype with me tonight after I go to bed. Or maybe I’ll connect with some other girl. Maybe neither. Guess I just want to sleep, it hurts to think and feel. I’m being over emotional and I hate it. I feel my eyes getting wet, but I haven’t cried yet. I hate feeling lonely, I don’t usually feel like this, it’s unusual for me.

Shopping Spree: N/A (did get paid, but I’m not splitting the check yet because I’m treating Ryan out this weekend)

Started Projects: N/A (unless you consider me drawing concept sketches)

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: gender comm due Tuesday 2/23 (half done)

Tests: Psych test Monday 2/29 today

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Glorious Gorgeous Gem}

Day: February 28, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day:

Weather: 47˚-67˚ mostly cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: ham, cheddar, and egg sandwich 11:40AM

-Noon: N/A

-Night: BBQ chicken and rice (early evening)

-Snack: scones and clotted cream, red velvet

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: off and on with parents in afternoon, mainly father

When I was alone: all day

Stressors [depressed]:

Contributors [happy]: very nice and long chat with a very pretty girl who is interested in being a third

Dreams: I was in some sort of play. I was an important major character or something. They surprised me at one point by making me think I was being seated in the front because I was not allowed to sit with the other cast members, but they used that as part of the show.

Sleep: 10:25AM

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I wasn’t feeling much of anything. It's like an empty void or blankness. It's unnerving and eerie. But I was just indifferent to it all. I met a girl who is absolutely gorgeous at the same time and we’re really hitting it off. We’ve only just been messageing each other, but I’m sure she’ll get along with Ryan too and if we meet in person, we’ll still be good.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: gender comm due Tuesday 2/23 (half done)

Tests: Psych test Monday 2/29

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Fairy and Mermaid Hair}

Day: February 27, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: excited and happy in the morning, happy and sated in evening

Weather: forgot to check

What I ate

-Morning: ham and cheese hot pocket 11:25AM

-Noon: stew 4:00PM

-Night: salmon and potatoes 6:45

-Snack: red velvet

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: hair appointment 12:10PM-2:55PM, Ryan 5:05PM-12:00AM, family 6:35PM-7:20PM

When I was alone: 2:55PM-5:05PM, after 12:00AM

Stressors [depressed]: girl said she thinks we’re probably incompatible

Contributors [happy]: got my hair done

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: 1:55AM (maybe even after 2AM)-9:25AM

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I like my new hair, although it’s not really what I wanted, but it still looks really nice. Unfortunately, it sort of reminds me of the new Harley Quinn design because she has the pink and blue and I have purple and teal. The teal is like a mermaid teal and so I’ve been saying the purple is fairy. Even though I sort of got rejected, I don’t mind. Just gives me a chance to find a better match. I’m actually worried that it’ll be hard to find someone that Ryan will also like as much as he likes me. I don’t mean that in a conceited way. I just mean, because he’s never treated anyone the way he’s treated me. His twin sister is so surprised with how sweet and loving he’s been to me. I guess it’s hard for me to word why I’m concerned, but that’s all I’m gonna say I guess.

Shopping Spree: got hair done, gave nice tip, bought shampoo and conditioner and it all came out to $133.80

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: gender comm due Tuesday 2/23 (half done)

Tests: Psych test Monday 2/29

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Ghosts}

Day: February 26 Friday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: disappointed/upset/angst this morning, irritable and anxious most of day

Weather: 50˚-67˚ it might get colder~

What I ate

-Morning: ham and egg sandwich 10:45AM

-Noon: stew and rice 3:20PM

-Night: bacon cheese dog with pickles, fries 8:25PM

-Snack: N/A

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: off and on with family, mainly ma all day

When I was alone: all day

Stressors [depressed]: missed skyping with Ryan last night

Contributors [happy]: I can’t think of any besides the possible third last night and other possibly interested ladies

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: 1:25AM-9:15AM

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: When I woke up this morning, I just didn’t want to get out of bed or do anything. I just wanted to disappear. Not that I wanted to die, I just didn’t want to be.

Shopping Spree: a bit of online shopping

Started Projects: Let Me Be Your Senpai

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: Let Me Be Your Senpai (main character designs)

Homework: gender comm due Tuesday 2/23 (half done)

Tests: Psych test Monday 2/29

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes 

Mood Journal {Late Night Chats}

Day: February 25, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: a little depressed but active in early morning, calmed by noon, got super fucking tired by 6:30PM

Weather: 50˚-76˚ sunny

What I ate

-Morning: froot loops 7:00PM

-Noon: lemon chicken and potatoes 12:05PM

-Night: stew and rice 8:45PM

-Snack: scones with clotted cream, toasted English Muffin with butter, pudding

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 7:30AM-9:05AM class, 9:10AM-2:00PM friends and Ryan (off and on), 2:00PM-6:30PM work

When I was alone:

Stressors [depressed]: bad dream, test, bad luck streak, a bunch of guys keep sending likes to my profile

Contributors [happy]: feel like I aced my test, nice chat with my friend, might have met some girls interested in joining the triad…or just more possible friends

Dreams: I don’t remember much of what led up to it, but I remember I did something that pissed off Ryan’s twin and I felt horrible about it, so I went to the bathroom, partly so I could cry, and partly because I needed to. But on the way to the bathroom and in the bathroom, everything that could go wrong, did, and besides me slipping in something I could only assume was urine and hurting myself, and not being able to fully sit on the disgusting toilets, other things had happened that put me in a bad mood. So I was feeling very depressed, and when I came back to my friends so I could cry to Ryan, everyone was gone because they had to go to class. Then, shortly after, I went home, but I didn’t want my ma or Bunny to see me the way I was, so I avoided them. I didn’t want to explain to them my depression and that I wanted professional help, and part of it was that I felt they would judge me or that I had to prove to them that I was depressed.

Sleep: 11:45AM-4:15AM 4:45AM-5:15AM

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: My dream has sorta put me out of funk. Although, when I woke up this morning, despite it being early, I was wide awake. Going back under my blanket to sleep more sounded nice, but unnecessary. Bad luck streak hit me, from going to class late to lemon and oil leaking in my bag all over my stuff and then some. But I tried to be optimistic and eventually the bad luck left I guess. Though I was a bit bummed that Ryan was playing video games instead of cuddling with me. Oh well. Calm day at work. Super tired for some reason. Though, I’m had a nice chat with a possible third…hmm~ so I have hope. Gonna tell Ryan about her as soon as he gets home and we Skype.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: gender comm due Tuesday 2/23 (half done)

Tests: Math Test Thursday 2/25, Psych test Monday 2/29

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Sluggy Slug}

 Day: February 24, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: sluggish most of the day, annoyed near the final hour of work

Weather: 48˚-72˚

What I ate

-Morning: leftover filet mignon 11:05AM, cinnamon toast 11:45AM

-Noon: egg sandwich 2:50PM

-Night: crock pot stew 7:05PM and seconds

-Snack: I don’t think I had any

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 12:45PM-2:20PM class, 2:20PM-6:45PM babysitting 6:45PM-10:15PM Ryan

When I was alone: before 12:45PM, after 10:15PM

Stressors [depressed]: test tomorrow

Contributors [happy]: time with Ryan after work

Dreams: N/A

Sleep: 12:45AM-9:00AM

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: Been sluggish again today. Had a nice cuddle time with my lover today. Might have made a friend instead if a possible third, but that's OK. Unfortunately a bunch of guys liked my profile and flirt with me and stuff even though I said I’m strictly looking for polygamous bisexual/pansexual girls.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

math due Thursday 2/25 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/23 (half done)

Tests: Math Test Thursday 2/25, Psych test Monday 2/29

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Let the Hunt Begin}

Day: February 23, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: tired, especially near end of the day

Weather: 47˚-74˚ mainly cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: cinnamon Danish

-Noon: cereal

-Night: filet mignon and mashed potatoes

-Snack: pudding, slice of pound cake, toasted buttered English muffins

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 7:30AM-9:05AM class, 9:45AM-11:00AM class, 11:00AM-2:00PM friends and Ryan (off and on), 2:00PM-6:30PM work 6:30PM-9:30PM family

When I was alone: after 9:30PM

Stressors [depressed]: spent money

Contributors [happy]: had a nice chat with Ryan this morning, on track to finding a unicorn

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: 12:10AM-6:10AM

Moon Phase: Waning Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: Really tired. Sorta on the sluggish side of things.

Shopping Spree: bought a membership on OKCupid and sorta regretting it cuz I thought it would charge each month, not all in one.

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Thursday 2/25 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/23 (half done)

Tests: Math Test Thursday 2/25, Psych test Monday 2/29

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Throw Me a Unicorn}

Day: February 22, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: frustrated at 9:00AM,

Weather: 46˚-70˚ to me it was rather sunny, but apparently it’s cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: froot loops 9:35AM

-Noon: 11:25PM Korean BBQ leftovers

-Night: 8:25PM sopita, roast beef, and rice

-Snack: slice of pound cake, pudding, salmon on an English muffin, rest of salmon on toast, butter on toast

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 12:45PM-2:20PM class, 2:20PM-6:40PM babysitting, 6:40-9:45PM family

When I was alone: before 12:45PM and after 9:45PM

Stressors [depressed]: didn’t make very many scones last night and my dog ate a few this morning, Cat left

Contributors [happy]: applied to some other babysitting jobs (either reoccurring weekend jobs or one time date night jobs), have leftover dough that could probably make up the amount of scones eaten, got my TDC2 DVD, got to watch TDC2 with Cat before she left, not only got gender comm. paper done but earlier than I thought I would

Dreams: Was in some sort of clubhouse or competition sort of thing. At one point there was this older movie that had healthy and happy LGBT couples in it, so one guy and I bonded over that and we bonded even more over polygamy and made out and made plans for later.

Sleep: 12:10AM-1:40AM, 1:45AM-3:55AM, 4:25AM-8:05AM

Moon Phase: Full Moon

Illness: N/A

What I feel: Feel tempted to either stay up late or pull an all-nighter. Will probably Skype with Ryan when he’s on. I woke up to find out that one of my dogs ate some of my scones, thus be a confirmation that these fuckers are cursed. My friends better be goddess damn grateful that I bake these motherfuckers for them as much as I have. Finally did my gender comm. paper, maybe I’ll do the definitions and theories tomorrow before class, but I won’t hold my breath. Cat left earlier after watching Alleluia! The Devil’s Carnival. Now I need Ryan to watch it. I wish it was easier finding polyamorous people, especially girls. It’s hard enough to find someone when you’re “normal” like a straight cis person, or even when your bi or pan, but when you’re looking for a polyamorous girl who would like both you and your partner…nnnnnnnnnn… Just got thinking on this cuz of my paper/essay.

Shopping Spree: got paid (and it’s twice as much than usual since my boss forgot to pay me last week), but haven’t split check yet, planning on making a hair appointment for myself this week

Started Projects: gender comm. paper

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: gender comm. paper

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/23 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/23 (half done, got paper/essay done but not definitions/theories)

Tests: pop quiz in psych 2/22, Math Test Thursday 2/25

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes 

Mood Journal {Sleep, Baking, and Visits}

Day: February 21, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: tired all morning and noon, excited around 3PM

Weather: 45˚-65˚ slightly cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: ham and egg sandwich 12:05PM

-Noon: N/A

-Night: Korean BBQ 8:40PM

-Snack: slice of red velvet cake

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: off and one with my dad in the noon, 3PM-10PM family, 3:00-10 Catie

When I was alone: before 3PM

Stressors [depressed]:

Contributors [happy]: Catie came to visit, got around to messaging my professor about missing class last week, got those goddamn scones done

Dreams: I worked at PetCo or PetSmart and there were some animals I wanted to buy, but whenever I would go to buy one of them, they were gone or got bought by someone else.

Sleep: 1:15AM-10:35AM didn’t want to stay awake, laid on the couch for a few hours before I actually did get up

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: Slept almost the entire morning. Made breakfast and have been watching YouTube. My sister came to visit so that was nice to see her again and she’s spending the night. Did plan to do homework and bake scones, but I only baked the scones.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: scones

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: scones

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/23 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/16 and Tuesday 2/23

Tests: Math Test Thursday 2/25

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Killed the Excitement}

Day: February 20, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: excited in the morning and noon up until 3PM, disappointed around 3:30PM tired and a bit restless by 9:00PM

Weather: 45˚-61˚ mainly sunny

What I ate

-Morning: Froot Loops 9:00AM

-Noon: salmon, lemon chicken and potatoes, and rice 12:50PM

-Night: BBQ wings 8:40PM

-Snack: pudding, fancy cakes, mint chocolate chip ice cream

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: Ryan 10:20PM-12:25AM

When I was alone: before 10:20PM, after 12:25AM

Stressors [depressed]: Ryan came very late

Contributors [happy]: worked out harder, lots of Yuri, chilling with Ryan

Dreams: I was Wakanda and was with the rest of the PGLR cast. It was during the time where Wakanda and D were contemplating becoming a thing. At one point in the dream, and I think as myself, I had contemplated stealing condoms from a closed gas station. There were other dreams, but that’s the most I can remember.

Sleep: after 1AM and woke up several times in the middle of the night and morning (once during 4AM and 6AM and many other times) until 8:15AM, napped a little between 9:30PM and 10:05PM

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: Tired right now. Worked out this afternoon for the full time. Mainly watched YouTube videos and went on Tumblr. Work kept Ryan late.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/23 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/16

Tests: Math Test Thursday 2/25

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Weighing in on Love}

Day: February 19, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: just a little frustrated in the morning, a little ashamed in the night, rather happy and excited all day

Weather: 44˚-60˚ relatively cloudy

What I ate

-Morning: egg and ham sandwich 10:55PM

-Noon: lemon chicken, potatoes, and pot roast 2:15PM

-Night: salmon and rice 8:45PM

-Snack: meet and cheese, fancy cakes, biscuits, red velvet cake

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: off and on with my ma before 1:10PM, Ryan 1:10PM-12:15AM, 8:35PM-9:20PM family including Chelsea and Erick

When I was alone: before 1:10PM and after 12:15AM

Stressors [depressed]: weighed myself and I weighed 116lbs, ma and sisters got into an obnoxious drunk argument in front of Ryan, accidentally upset Courtney because I mentioned my weight

Contributors [happy]: started new medication (Zoloft), made myself a delicious breakfast, dressed in Lolita clothes and wore my rat ears, had a nice time with Ryan

Dreams: There were several dreams but I can only remember glimpses of them. Some kind of got mashed together. One dream had to do with a family of people who looked like they were dressed in Victorian clothing. One of the daughters was getting married. I think the family might have been my family. One dream had something to do with Yanderes and Yandere Simulator, but the game was completely different. I think the Yandere dream and the Yandere Simulator dream might have been separate ones. The Yandere dream might be in response to the new story I want to work on so my mind was creating scenarios for it while I slept.

Sleep: 10PM-6:15PM 6:45PM-9:20PM (woke around 7:15 and 8:15 as well)

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: Besides accidentally upsetting Courtney by mention how light I weigh right now, today was relatively nice. I do feel bad for that. I should know better. I didn’t seem to have any negative side effects from Zoloft just yet. Oh, my ma must think that I’m anorexic or something, hasn’t seen me eat or pack my food…MAYBE BECAUSE I EAT AT SCHOOL AND WORK. And then of course she doesn’t see me pack food, I pack it in the morning when she’s asleep, like the fuck? Does she want to check my bag or something, cuz I’ll gladly send her snapshots of me eating. I’ll sometimes even buy cafeteria food. I also eat food from the place I babysit because they tell me I can and sometimes encourage it because they have too much food. But yeah, for whatever reason, I wanna sleep on the couch tonight, so I’m going to cuz I can.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/23 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/16

Tests: Math Test Thursday 2/25

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes (new medication)

Mood Journal {Don’t Fuck With This Leo}

Day: February 18, 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: proud around 11:45AM, frustrated around 2:45PM, excited around 8:45PM

Weather: 47˚-61˚ slightly rained a bit today

What I ate

-Morning: slice of pound cake 7:40AM

-Noon: chicken nuggets 12:10PM grilled cheese 12:20

-Night: lemon chicken and potatoes 8:25PM

-Snack: reeses pieces, egg sandwich 4:55PM

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 7:30AM-9:05AM class, 9:10AM-2:00PM friends and Ryan (off and on), 2:00PM-5:40PM work 5:40-8:35 family (mainly my ma)

When I was alone: after 8:35PM

Stressors [depressed]: sorta got into an “argument” with the dad I work for about psychology and the study of sexuality and gender, boys were fighting

Contributors [happy]: Ryan decided not to play video games until after I left so he could spend more time paying attention to me, relatively calm day with the boys, got out of work early, picked up my pills, made plans for tomorrow, played a fun game with my ma

Dreams: I think Ryan was in it

Sleep: 11:45PM-6:25AM

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I kinda pretty much owned someone. We didn't get in a fight, and I was trying to avoid a violent situation, but he constantly harasses people, so I gave him a limp when he tried attacking Ryan. I didn’t even hit him, but because I am a lot stronger than I look, just me step in between them and bumping him with my hip was enough to get him to hobble after us and give up shortly afterward. When I tell people I am a lot stronger than I look, I ain’t fucking around. I am actually really strong. What started this is when I chased him when he stole the Reeses Pieces I had just given Ryan as a valentines gift, so I chased him and ended up grabbing his breast. So, to retaliate, he squeezed Ryan’s breasts since it only seemed fair to him…even though I offered to let him squeeze mine as an apology because it was me, not Ryan that did it. But he decided that the grope he did to Ryan wasn’t hard enough (cuz I almost clung to him when I did it, again, by accident) so he tried again, but probably mainly because he wanted to hit his pressure point. So I started to stand in between them and walked Ryan to his class while remaining between the two to stop them from having a pressure point war, all the way from the top of the hill to the bottom of the hill. At one point, Ryan had hurt his hand and then when he made a pass at Ryan and I intervened, I accidentally hurt him. I apologized of course but reminded him not to fuck with me or my bitch (fun fact: Ryan will admit to being my bitch). He actually had constantly threatened to do stuff to me (either of us really, but mainly me to fuck with Ryan), but we were both like “you do anything to either of us, we’ll BOTH be on your ass. We are hard to kill.” He also thought I’d tire out easily. HA! I babysit 3 boys as well as have ADHD and possibly mania or hypomania. Yeah fucking right. I’m also hard to push over, which he learned the hard way. Then I sorta got into a discussion/argument with my employer about my classes and the psychological study of sex and gender. He believes it’s all useless and there’s nothing to study and people don’t want the labels etc. Let's just say I don't agree with him. Yesterday He also claimed that in a relationship, both people can’t do the spoiling. He was wrong when he said it wasn’t going to rain yesterday, so why should I take what he has to say to heart. Life and relationships and studies are different for everyone. It’s like cooking. Oh, so I’m starting my new medication and have fun plans for tomorrow. Seems like things will be going good. Probably going to bed soon despite it being 9:00PM. But if Ryan wants to Skype, I will.

Shopping Spree: N/A

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Thursday 2/23 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/16

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes

Mood Journal {Shame and Fear}

Day: February 17 Wednesday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: got excited later in the night when it started to rain

Weather: 51˚-65˚ very windy and started raining tonight so that made me very happy

What I ate

-Morning: McDonald’s fries and 1 ½ hash browns

-Noon: McDonald’s chicken nuggets

-Night: kimchi bowl of noodles

-Snack: fancy cake, lollipop (I feel like there was something else, but I can’t remember)

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 10:10AM-10:40AM appointment, 10:40AM-12:45PM mom, 12:45PM-2:20PM class, 2:20PM-6:40PM babysitting, 6:40PM-7:10PM dad and dogs

When I was alone: after 7PM

Stressors [depressed]: little late for appointment, my psychiatrist is concerned about me, weight loss

Contributors [happy]: showered for the first time in a few days, changing my medication, early to class, ~RAIN~

Dreams: cannot remember but I wanna say it had something to do with vampires and a Vocaloid song…but that might have been a different night…

Sleep: 11:25PM-8:30AM

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: It’s strange, I don’t remember writing some of the things I’ve written in these journal entries or other things sometimes. It happens were I’ll forget but then vaguely remember or straight up remember, but sometimes I am just like ??? For example, the one on January 27, 2016, I don’t remember saying, “I’ll try not to kill them” but sure enough it’s there and I wrote it. My psychiatrist pointed it out to me and asked me to refrain using language like that with stuff between us. Makes sense and I’ll try to be more careful about those sort of things. Also, I noticed that it’s in the wrong spot…it was in “Sleep,” not “What I feel.” Whoops. I am actually ashamed that I used those choice of words. The fuck is wrong with me? I’d never get physical with the boys, I’ve never gotten in a fight with anyone for a matter of fact, I hardly even get into serious arguments. I need to go sit in the corner, shame on me. What’s even stranger is that I don’t even recall writing that… I know it’s only 8:45PM but I think I’m going to go to bed and fall asleep to the soothing sounds of rain~ Well, that plan changed since Ryan came on Skype, so we’ve been having a video chat. Oh, so I’m concerned about this weight loss. I am under 120lbs, usually I am about 120lbs, especially the mid 120s, but I am now 118lbs, and it scares me. Hope I gain it back soon seeing as how I’ve eaten a lot these past few days. I mean, I know I’ve been working out, then there’s all the walking I do at school, and running around I do with the boys I work with, but I doubt that it’s really that. It’s probably the having a hard time with eating. Oh, so my doctor wants me to stop taking Lexapro, so my psychiatrist is going to have me take Zoloft instead. I’ll probably start it Friday since I’ll probably be getting it tomorrow night. We might start with the ADHD medication soon, just after we get me adjusted to antidepressants.

Shopping Spree: bought a dress and stockings for hopefully a date

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: Greavsly’s Hollows (children’s horror story)

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Thursday 2/18 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/16

Tests: had a pop quiz in psych

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes 

Mood Journal {A Restless Mind is an Upset Mind}

Day: February 16, Tuesday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: really tired in morning and after halfway through day, stressed in the early morning, unfocused and disappointed in myself in mid to later morning

Weather: 58˚-77˚ When I checked this morning, it said it’d be hotter, but I’m glad it’s not

What I ate

-Morning: grilled cheese and ham

-Noon: toasted egg sandwich

-Night: pot roast

-Snack: slice of pound cake, mini donut, slice of cake

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 7:30AM-9:05AM class, 9:45AM-2:00PM friends and Ryan (off and on), 2:00PM-6:30PM work

When I was alone:

Stressors [depressed]: didn’t have homework done, skipped class

Contributors [happy]: new story

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: 8:50PM-6:40AM but with a lot of waking up in the middle of the night and morning, more than usual

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: Really upset with myself for skipping class (that meets only once a week) and not doing my homework. At least I picked up my books and went to math and did that work. There’s no real excuse for it. Although, I was feeling super distracted, having a hard time with focusing, and didn’t get my homework done, so that was my reason for skipping.

Shopping Spree: bought food despite having food

Started Projects: Greavsly’s Hallows (children’s horror story)

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Thursday 2/18 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/16

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes 

Mood Journal {All the Cranky Kids}

Day: February 15 Monday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: really tired and hard time focusing most of day

Weather: 52˚-79˚ sunny too fucking warm I don't believe that it was under 80˚

What I ate

-Morning: fancy cakes 10:10AM

-Noon: toast with butter and egg on toast 11:30AM

-Night: calm chowder 7:45PM

-Snack: pudding 8:45AM, cake

Menstrual: N/A

Who I was with: 8:30AM-6:30PM babysitting

When I was alone: after 7:00PM

Stressors [depressed]: didn’t want to get out of bed, youngest boy I babysit started really cranky throughout day, another brother was relatively cranky by the middle of the day, heat, really tired, hard time focusing, don’t have homework done

Contributors [happy]: I cannot think of any

Dreams: cannot remember

Sleep: 2:00AM-6:45AM (with constant waking up)

Moon Phase: Waxing Gibbous

Illness: N/A

What I feel: I’m actually upset and disappointed with myself because I generally have a close watch on the boys and go outside if they’re playing out there, but because of the heat and my focus, I just said fuck it and stayed inside doing stuff on my computer. I suppose it’s not completely terrible, seeing as how they were being watched by the parents of the children they were playing with, but I still feel bad about how cut off I was making myself. And then I had a lack of interest doing anything. I tried to draw, but was having a hard time thinking of what to draw or do. It’s only 7:55PM and I just want to crawl into a hole or bed and disappear, but I still have my gender comm homework I need to do. It’s 8:15PM and I REALLY can’t focus on my homework right now so I am just going to go to bed and try to work on my homework in the morning. My first class is 7:30AM-9:05AM and I generally get my work in class done early and the teacher doesn’t mind me working on things when I’m done with my work, and then my next class starts at 9:45AM. I don’t even want to go to school tomorrow.

Shopping Spree: N/A (but I did want to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some sweets for myself, Ryan, and friends, especially since I haven’t baked my scones)

Started Projects: N/A

Continued Projects: N/A

Canceled Projects: N/A

Finished Projects: N/A

Homework: math due Tuesday 2/16 (done except for the extra credit), gender comm due Tuesday 2/16

Tests: N/A

Did You Take Your Medicine?: Yes