Sweets and Sours Will Rot Your Teeth

11/05/2016

So last night I was wearing pj shorts, so my legs were very visible, and Bunny noticed them and kept commenting on how tiny and thin they were and asking why that was (theorizing it was because I walk to much) and my Ma made a comment in response that I'm overall a thin person and I just said "can we please stop talking about my body?" It's like of all people, it had to be Bunny. If she wasn't there, I wouldn't have really minded, but I don't need her obsessing because of me. The whole time of her flipping out when I was 116lbs is why I am super self-conscious about mentioning weight around her. And then there's the years of eating disorder clinics. She was even living in LA for a short while because if one. In-patient clinic, I believe is the correct term. She hadn't gotten aggressive last night, and I like to think it's because I cut it off as soon as I could. 

So I had such a shit day on Thursday, especially the morning, I even ended up having a meltdown at school in the cafeteria in front of 2 of my friends, but they hadn't realized at first cuz I put my shawl/scarf over my head and laid it on the table so they thought I was tired and sick since I've mastered the art of crying softly. I had a meltdown Sunday morning and Thursday morning 😣 twice in one week, not a good sign for my depression. To be fair with Sunday, I hadn't taken my meds on Saturday at all, so it could have been pushed by bad sleep and withdrawal. But I was upset by other things. Lily and Miss Kitty were rather helpful though 😊 Miss Kitty is such an awesome companion. She comforts me when I feel bad whether it be from depression or physical illness. So Thursday, I got up late, didn't have time to pack lunch (I was going to until I realized I brought down someone else's leftovers and not mine and didn't have time to run back up) or eat breakfast, so I thought I'd just buy something. I also couldn't find my water bottle, but my dad always had one in his car that he offered to me, so I thought I'd take it, but that was the one day it wasn't there. Guess I gotta buy that too. While in my first class, I realized I didn't have my lip balm (which is important for changing weathers because it hurts like a bitch on my sensitive skin) and that I forgot my ring again and it was even something I heard fall when I grabbed my clothes (I put it on top of my dress to not forget it) but didn't thing much about. So after class, when I go to buy food and water, I get to the cashier to buy my food and...I don't have any money. I only have $8 between both my accounts ($3 my checking $5 in savings). I apologized and put everything back, go upstairs to the cafeteria and my friends and try not to cry. Eventually, I had to go to the bathroom since I didn't have a chance to go all morning and I need to change my pad anyways, and cry while on my stall, also thinking about other things that I really don't want to talk about at the moment still. I came back out to my friends, put the scarf on my head and lay it upon the table, trying not to be too obvious until eventually a friend hears me sniffle and says that everyone around her is getting sick to which I respond that I am not sick, merely crying. After allowing them to see me cry for real, I tell them I'm having a shit morning, and mainly that I have no money or food (so I can't even take my medication). Both of the girls grabbed $20 out of their atm and gave it to me to which I at first told them was unnecessary and how I'd feel bad, but they insisted and I cried more in gratitude. I eventually calmed down and tried to seem better. It's so easy for me to give, but taking makes me feel guilty. It's a lot to do with how I was raised. I'm really glad that there are other people put there that would do it too. And that I have such a good friend and support group. I remember once, Erika didn't have enough change for the bus, and all of us were just handing her change and ones so she had enough for that day and even later. Doing a nice thing feels good, so I want to grant someone a chance to feel that too. 

11/07/2016

So, I have a confession to make: My course paper was due last Wednesday. You know, the one that's taken me 3 years and tries at this class? So I have been upset with myself all weekend for having not done it, and it was emotionally stressing me out and I even cried a few times, but now that it's turned in, it's like a weight has been lifted. But yeah, so shame on me for still turning it in late. But thank the gods that it's over and done with. I stayed up past 4 last night, though it wasn't only cuz of the paper, I just wasn't sleepy after I finished it. But it's all done, and I can hate myself a little less. I've conquered this beast called ADHD yet again, until next time. I'd like to think... I mean, I still hate myself for not being able to fight it, but I'd hate myself more if I didn't have an excuse like that. 

Why do hiccups have to get so painful? I was like having a hard time breathing cuz of this fit, it was causing me to burp and gasp, I was worried I could puke. Shortly after, I burned myself a wee but with my dinner. Later, I was in so much pain from dysmenorrhea. I crushed Ryan’s hand while he was sleeping, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was sweet enough to buy me an entire chocolate cake.

11/08/2016

My gay poly-ass self when I see potential for a polycule:

EVERYTHING IS POLY EVERYTHING IS SHARED WHEN YOU'RE PART OF THE TEAM EVERYTHING IS POLY IT'S A TRIAD LOVE

11/11/2016

It seems that people might be interested in my Visual Novel. It’s about yanderes, so I shared it on yandere fan pages on FaceBook, and so it peaked some people’s interest.

11/12/2016

My vocal class and the choir performed at a home for senior citizens. I got only one compliment that was directed specifically at me from someone, but her opinion means a lot to me. She was the pianist in my previous classes and tutored me in finding pitches. I haven't seen her all semester, so I was so happy that she was there tonight. She told me I did really good on my solos and that I've gone very far since we first met. I told her how much her tutoring meant to me.

11/15/2016

My dangerous engagement ring ripped my tights and now they have a run in them. I spilled my Cup of Noodles all over myself and stuff. It got on my computer, phone, art folder, and more. Luckily, nothing seemed to be damaged. I got out of my vocal class early, but my sister picked me up later, around the time I’d normally get picked up, so I spent maybe half an hour in the rain. At least something good came of a mistake I made in my vocal class. My teacher liked whatever it was I did, so we are expanding on it. Usually I don’t make good mistakes when singing, but hey, there’s a first for everything. There was this big bug (which I later discovered to be a Jerusalem Cricket) that was scary all my friends, and I was the only one brace enough to pick it up with paper and put it outside so it wouldn't have to get killed. Apparently it was in vain cuz a friend seemed to see it's corpse later.

So Saturday I created the covers for Her Choker’s book. Monday I created a musical score for a three part acapella for Four O’clock by Emilie Autumn. Today I wrote about 2,052 words for Her Choker/NaNoWriMo. It’s only 8PM, I wonder what more I can do before the night is over.

The Best Laid Plans...Apparently Not...

10/29/2016

I forgot to take my meds yesterday, and I realized it last night at my friend's house when there was no way I could take my medication at that point. My plans with my with Lily got canceled because her mother wasn't comfortable with her being so "far away" despite her knowing and liking me and my family being present. I bitched out on Ryan last night, which I already felt bad about doing, because of this whole stupid thing with the phone and just found it it was for no real reason because they didn't need the phone and that, just seeing the phone upon the counter when it was supposed to be in New Orleans, was my main trigger to start crying. I will admit, I'm terribly disappointed about Lily not being able to come over, I was so excited and willing to do anything to make it happen and worked my ass off to clean the upstairs over the past 2 days all by myself when a majority of the messiness wasn't even my fault. And it's not her fault, I'm not upset with her or her mother or sister. It just really sucks, you know? And with the stupid thing with the phone is that I snapped at Ryan because I was gonna be the bad guy to Bunny if I didn't get the info I needed, and I felt bad for that already, and to find out it was for nothing. I feel awful. It could be mainly because I didn't take my medication, which I beat myself up over last night, but I just went from being high up on this roller coaster to crashing down. I keep trying to tell myself not to think because it's making me cry more to look at the phone or look at the clean house etc and so on. I called Ryan when the tears first started to submerge, as I'm completely home alone right now (I just got home not too long ago) and was cooking my breakfast, to ask how soon he will be at my house. After the call, I was able to calm down again, but shortly after he called back to let me know how soon, I began crying again because thoughts crawled their way back into my head. Not too mention that I feel like a burden and that I'm overreacting and causing Ryan unnecessary worry and stress that he could do without. I really wanna tell Lily, not to make her feel bad or stress her out, but because it's my policy as a close friend or lover to someone to always communicate and be honest about how I feel, especially when those feelings involve them. But dear gods, I bet she would feel terribly awful, and that's why I hesitate. But Lily, if I tell you, please remember that I haven't taken my medication for over 24hrs. This isn't anyone's fault and I blame no one and am upset with no one. I just suffer from a mood disorder and was hit by several things almost at once while unmedicated.

Talking to Lily has made me feel much better. Also, Miss Kitty heard me crying and being upset and came out here to check on me. She's very good about it, even if it's just physical illness. The other night when I puked, before I got out of bed, she was comforting me. She just knows, even before I start expressing signs of pain. But yeah, sharing this with Lily has helped and in feeling much better and have calmed down.

You Are My Anxiety Attack

10/10/2016

The fighting had been going on for some point before I messaged Opal, so the time below is not when the fighting started, but when the messaging began. 

9:39

Me: You know, there's a reason why talking about politics is band in my household, and yet it still happens and results in the yelling and fighting I hear downstairs 😑

Opal: darn 😕

Me: Bunny is the LAST person to have a political debate with, cuz if even one of your views is different from her's YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG. If Ryan and her were to get into a political debate, it would never end

Opal: oh gawd

Me: They almost have and so as soon as I started, I whispered in his ear to shut up. There is no getting through to her, and it can be incredibly hard to stop him once he's into it

Opal: yeah...sometimes there's some people it's best not to argue with

Me: Mmhm

10:00 PM

Me: Oh my gods, they're still going and are so loud

Opal: D:

Me: Bunny just threatened to stab my Ma if she said the "n word" again... 😦

Opal: ...don't know which part of that is worse, but oh gawd

Me: That my Ma said the "n word" or that my sister threatened to stab her? I'm sorry, but saying a word is lesser evil to violence

Opal: kinda, cuz I've no idea what context or to whom she's saying the word - both have intents of violence in some way, at least to me

Me: It's not like my Ma goes around calling people that, though I don't think she should say it at all. She's not saying it to be offensive, but it is sorta the neighborhood she grew up in. She was the only white girl, everyone else was Mexican or black.

Opal: ah

Me: She doesn't say it in public, but still not a good word to use

Opal: ...I suppose though, given the context, agreed that the violent threat is worse

10:10 PM

Me: I think it's over. I'm just glad I was out of the line of fire

Opal: yeah

Me: Whenever I hear the fights get intense, I lock my door. If they happened at night or were geared toward me, I might keep it locked all night. I'm paranoid that she'll do something. I know I shouldn't be, I mean, if she was going to, she would have by now, right? Unless you count that beer bottle incident when she tried attacking my Ma with a glass she broke. A little sister shouldn't be scared of her big sister like this.

Opal: 😕 gawd, yeah

Me: But I know I'm being paranoid... Or is that just hope? I hate to admit that she's right that I villainize her, but she gives me good reason to. She threatened to slap me on the face before. She throws and breaks things in anger. She's talked about wanting to crash the car when upset, even when I'm in it with her. 

Opal: with so many threats, I really can't blame you for being scared

Me: And she's obsessed with serial killers and crime

She'll never know how much she scares me. She doesn't realize it's fear, not hate, that I feel for her. She likes to blame our Ma for her eating disorders and self-esteem, then I can do the same to her. How many times has she made me feel worthless or idiotic? I wanted to create an image inspired by her with the quote "You are my anxiety attack," because in all honesty, she is. I get anxious just hearing the suggestion of her coming to pick me up. I can't keep going on like this with my own sister. 

In My Dreams, It Came To Me, Lands and Seas, So Many Stories

09/26/2016

My dream last night was very interesting, it was like a combination of Hellraiser (or insert something by Clive Barker) and The Magus Bride (which I unfortunately haven't read or watched yet but REALLY want to). The girl of the dream was to be "married off" (in most simplest of terms) to this man very much like the Lead Cenobite/Pinhead/Priest from Hellbound Heart and/or Christopher Carrion from the Abarat series. But despite his appearance, position, powers, and some actions, he wasn't a bad person, though the girl was too scared to realize that at first and was very anti going through with it, constantly being rude to him and trying to run away and be free of his horrifying world. Though, she did come to realize he wasn't evil after he save her (maybe more than once) and even showed concern for her despite his small range of emotions (at least to the general public). The two eventually develop real feelings for each other. So actually, there was like this thing, were he couldn't have sex with her or something until their union was made official. 

There was another portion of the dream which was supposed to be a kid show. There was more aspects than the one I'm about to say, but this is really one of the few I can remember. There was this guy who was dating another guy who loves to wear "women's clothes" and dressed fully "in drag." He wasn't transgender, just a transvestite. They'd usually go out into town on their dates with the one in drag. And the best part is, everyone in town was totally cool with it. They were well aware the crossdresser was actually a male (and not because he looked it, he looked very much like a woman) and they were completely alright with him being a transvestite and then being a gay couple. Like no one made a big deal about it, no one made any comments or anything. They were acting like it was completely normal. Nobody asked crude or stupid questions, like "what's in your pants," "is the transvestite the woman in the relationship," stuff like that. They minded their own business and treated them like everyone else. You go, kid show. That's how it should be. 

09/28/2916

(12 in the morning close to 1) Imma try to finish the sprites for Sakiko's homicidal end tonight, scan the CG's in the morning, then work on their digital versions tomorrow, and write and draw victim after that.

So scratch the first pint of that plan. I'll take care of the sprites tomorrow. It's getting late. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep despite how fucking hungry I feel. 

09/29/2016

So I've stayed at a similar weight for about 2 months, so that's a huge accomplishment for me! Oh, and I have 2 solo parts in a song I'm singing in my vocal class. It's from Annie Get Your Gun. It's a fun, optimistic song called I Got the Sun in the Mornin', basically about being happy despite not having much. So I relate to it quite a bit. 

To do list (9.28.16 7:25AM):

-Sprites for homicidal end ¥ 9.28

-Scan CG's for homicidal end ¥ 9.28

-Digital CG's for homicidal end ¥ 9.30

-Write and Draw CG's for victim end ¥ 9.28

-Sprites for victim end (if necessary) ¥ 9.28

-Digital CG's for victim end¥ 9.30

10/01/2016

Bunny REALLY wanted someone to go to the Pumpkin Patch with her, but I don't want to go anywhere with her. I was even willing to hide in my bathroom for her to leave, gods know how long that's take... But I did have actual valid reasons to say no, like homework and my art projects that have a due date, but I know if I tell her those, she'll think I'm just making shit up to avoid her and she'll get pissy and upset. Eventually, it died out and I felt rather silly for having hid in the bathroom (a plan that failed once my father had given away my position before she left). She never did leave and instead watched TV with my parents. They invited me to come join them, but I told them I was working on homework. Which was going to be the truth, but since it was technically due Tuesday, I was lacked about it and instead worked on my Halloween Countdown since that had some things that needed to be done by tomorrow. Despite my family thinking I was doing homework, they made fun of me for staying in my room like an introvert. 

I had my last pill of Ritalin today, and my dad was supposed to take me to the pharmacy today (where I had planned to also get a menstrual cup to avoid future UTI's and heat wrap things for my shoulder/neck), but he forgot, just like he did on Thursday. My parents said we'd go first thing in the morning. I sure hope we do. I don't want to experience withdrawal with Ritalin. Luckily, just in case, I do have my old Ritalin as the one I'm currently taking is for a longer lasting effect, so at least I have a backup plan. 

10/02/2016

I just had a very scary brush in with one of my phobias that has now just turned into me getting pissy about it. I was in the garage, looking for 2 specific things, but collecting things I wanna take while I was at it. I had found 2 really cute pairs of goth boots that were near item #1 of that I was looking for, so I decided to add those to my pile (these boots are in the very back of the garage, farthest away from the door). Shortly after much hard labor of searching, I found item #2 and decide it's time to leave, my only exit from my current spot being where the boots are and then the path out, but as I turn to grab the boots, THERE IS A FUCKING BIG ASS WASP JUST CHILLING ON IT. I panic, since that's really one of my only ways out, and so in my desperation, I made my own way out, try not to be too frantic and get it's attention. I scratched my chin on something while trying to quickly get away. Nothing serious, though it might bruise. 

A minute later, I go to see if it's still there and it was. This things so big, I can see it all the way in the back while I'm standing in the doorway. So I grab my first pile of stuff not near the wasp, being pissy that it's keeping me from those cute boots and item #1. They're all such fucking assholes, and I'm not ready to find out if I'm allergic to these pieces of shits like my Ma is, especially the hard way.

I tried braving the weather and confronting the asshole, covered head to toe with snow gear. I wasn't about to get bested by a bug. I was too chicken shit. Instead, I just stood in the middle of the garage, singing and talking at it, until I saw if start to move, scaring me to run inside. When I popped my head out, I saw the asshole began walking back and forth on the damn boot like he was patrolling it. All I could think was how this asshole was just taunting. I thought about grabbing a thick cloth or towel and throwing it on top of him and trying to kill him, but was worried about failing and just pissing him off. Anxiety, paranoia, and fear kicked in, so I grudgingly left. What a frickin jerk. Not only are those boots super cute, but item #1 is my gameboy and DS stuff. Do you have any idea how much I could sell that for??? 

At least I was able to grab my Gameboy Color. For how old it is, it's in pretty good condition. I FUCKING WON WITH MY BRAINS INSTEAD OF BRAWNS AND PLENTY OF COURAGE. So I came out there again, and he wasn't on the boots, but was in the area they were, so I grabbed a pole and was able to get one boot to me. I couldn't pick up anything else with the pole, but I could move things, so I moved the pair of the one I grabbed to be with the rest of my stuff and opened the garage door. When I went outside to collect everything, it was all on the floor away from the garage door because it all fell out, making it distant from the wasp. I collected everything, closed the door, and now we're here.

I took my older Ritalin since my dad didn't pick up my medication until later in the afternoon.

I'm so fucking happy it rained today. I had a nice time with Ryan too and we eve danced in the rain since he owed me a dance in the rain. My Ma took it as an opportunity to get some shots of us. Later, when the rain cleared, my Ma had us model for her photo class.

10/05/2016

Love triangle dream: it was a dream about a movie that follows this gawky shy girl with her first year of high school. She ends up getting a crush for the school's bad boy, who is actually a really nice guy and a drama student. But with her crush, another boy gets a crush on her who is a nerdy sweetheart part of student council. My mind was already turning it into an idea to turn a love triangle into a polyamorous relationship.

Life Gets Tough, My Dear, You Just Need To Keep Going

09/13/2016

Spirit Halloween 

09/14/2016

115lbs 

09/17/2016

Well that's annoying. Found out the duvet I ordered was actually a duvet cover =_= oh well. I just ordered a comforter (with a discount code) for $48.24 that sorta matches my sheets. It's ridiculously hard to find a comforter or duvet being sold just on its own and not in a set. Guess I should have looked at Hot Topic more. 

09/21/2016

I think I want to up my dose for Zoloft. I have been feeling "the blues" quite a bit and a tad of anxiety, mainly social, I think. 

I just saw Travis on campus. He must be heading over to pick up Erika. He didn't seem to notice me cuz he was looking at his phone for the most part. We practically walked past each other and I have frickin rat ears and a steampunk outfit...dumbass. When Erika and Travis were walking back this way, and I had to get my scissors back from her, I didn't say anything to him, didn't even wave, all I did was talk to Erika a little, wish her a good day, hugged her goodbye, and glanced over at him for a split second as I began to turn around (he was in my eye's direction as he was standing next to her) then walked away. I wonder if he realizes anything. I wonder if it hurt him for me to hardly acknowledged him and hug Erika. I wasn't trying to hurt him, but I wonder if it did. I wonder if he was confused. Erika has probably told him that I have issues with him or something, I don't know. Maybe he asked he if something was up with me, after they left the area. Hmm, I wonder, if Travis says something to Erika about how I just treated (or more of lack-of-treated) him, if he'll do that and if it'll put a gap in my friendship with her. He's such a drama queen, though. He'll probably say I was trying to start drama. Me being the dramatic one by literally doing nothing. Sure I hugged his girlfriend in front of him. But, I mean, he DID invite 2 different people literally RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME to a party and not invite me. I'm not upset he did that to me, but that's just such a douchey thing to do. When it comes to people hurting or creeping me out, I don't think of how it affects me but how it'll affect someone else they could potentially do that too. And it bothers me that someone feels that they can treat others that way. You could do it to someone other than me and I'd be more pissed. I now I shouldn't waste a thought on him, so I won't. And I feel childish for blocking him, so I've unblocked him like I did Erika. If he starts shit, he'll find out that he's messed with the wrong person. 

I'm not surprised people think I have OCD, especially my friends who have it themselves. I over analyze a lot of my work and allow it to distract as I further the depths of things. I'm very particular about the order of how I have my stuff and it greatly disturbs me when the order is disturbed. I research facts for my stories that I don't even need too, but I can't help it. I feel like I HAVE too. 

I temporarily had photoshop inactive for me to use, but I got it back, thankfully. I was temporarily halted from work, but I can get right to it again now. 

09/22/2016

I had been so upset with myself. During my class, I couldn't find the right key's. I can't. Years and semesters of practice and tutoring, and yet it's the hardest thing in the world for me still. I felt like I was the weakest link in the chain. In my mind, I'm upsetting and annoying my classmates and singing partners because I am not nearly as good as them. I'm embarrassed. Right after class, I had planned to talk to my teacher, but she was busy, so instead I went into the bathroom, which I needed to use anyway, I cried my eyes out in the stall as quietly as I could while sending this message to my teacher: "Am I bringing the rest of the group down? I feel like I don't have the skill to be doing this and it's embarrassing. I feel like I'm annoying those around me and not letting the group be it's full potential. Should I just come back at a later time when I've improved if that happens? I don't think I have the talent for this and I really don't want to be a bother or slow the others down. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm being insecure, but I do have a good reason to be. It's like I'm way behind the rest and out of league. I'm so tired and frustrated with myself constantly messing up and trying to keep up."

I almost feel like a lost case. Something I'm so passionate about, yet have no talent for. Just like acting and modeling. Later, I had wanted to be alone and sat at a table while waiting an hour or so to get picked up. I began crying again, but because I was wearing my bunny hoodie, it was probably hard to tell. Plus, there weren't really any people around. My Ma picked me up late and after some finished packing and her submitting her homework, we left. Ryan began talking to me, and we eventually got to the topic of my meltdown earlier that day. 

My face hurt from not only crying during the conversation, but from the environment change. I have a very bad reaction when the seasons, temperature, or just setting changes entirely and must apply lip balm and/or Vaseline and whatnot. My hands suffer too, so I have to apply lotion to them as well. 

While sitting alone, crying, I thought how great of a picture that would have been to draw. Maybe I'll get around to drawing it. 

And Let the Trimester Start

09/01/2016

I’m sitting in class, but on the way here in the car I already started feeling it. My Ritalin is acting up like it did on the first day. Is this the result of either not eating enough or feeling anxious? It’s probably anxiety. I feel it through my veins. I feel my heart racing. Maybe I’m a little dehydrated. Drinking water has helped quite a bit. I hope I’ll do fine in Fitness while feeling this way. Maybe activity is what I need.

Heheh, sorta had my MiA (Murder in America) professor recognize me from my interactions with Ryan in front of him.

reminders to suggest: Cabaret, Voltaire, A Monster in Paris, barbershop quartet

09/05/2016

There's a smell of carrion from below the house where Gypsy often hid. It's possibly her. Bunny said she should have never been put outside. She either didn't know I did it, or wanted to guilt me. All I can do is hope it's not her, but it probably is. All I wanted was to help her. I tried putting up with her disaster, but she had been ruined in the learning process by my sister. It was no way to live. And now she might not be living anymore. I originally took her into my room because Luna was constantly hurting her. Gypsy is possibly dead, and it's partially my fault. I couldn't help her, instead I threw her out. I thought it would be what's best. I thought she would be fine. I last saw her maybe Fourth of July weekend. I had hoped that the cat lady took her in. Wishful thinking. But then what smells like carrion underneath the house? I don't know how long the smell has been there, I haven't smelled it from upstairs. When Bagera died, we only found out after finding a trail of ants, meaning he had been dead for a while. She could have been hiding under there for a while and then eventually died and then the smell finally came. I don't know. It could be a raccoon or skunk since those have been habitants of either our backyard it underneath the house, but what if it's Gypsy? What if it's Gypsy and I let her down, and Cat, and myself? I don't think Cat even knows we put her outside. But I can't help to blame her. She took in this cat, neglected her, raised her unhealthily, and then leaves her behind. My Ma didn't want any new pets in the first place. After how Cat's last few pets died...and she gets a new one. Yes, pets are good to help depression, but depression is bad to raise pets. I hate talking about her this way, feeling high and mighty because my pet is still alive, but it's true. Her room was in awful condition, and thus was her cat.  Her state of mind was in the wrong place. She could hardly take care of herself, let alone another living creature. And I know it's not fully her fault because of her depression, but she was the one who would skip her pills, miss appointments, complicate things. A compulsive liar and kleptomaniac, my best friend but not so great influence. Would bite off my head if said the wrong thing, but I would never want to lose her and stood by her side so often. She shared so many of her deep dark secrets, I can't even tell my friends and lovers some. I can't even tell our psychiatrist. And she was well aware that she was a compulsive liar. Not too sure if she'll admit to the kleptomaniac part, but she came to terms with being a liar. We used to be so close, but now I don't want to see her or talk to her, I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong with me. I love her, but I don't want anything to do with her right now. I hadn't told anyone that, but it's true. I get a sinking feeling whenever I hear someone on the phone with her. I don't hate her or feel resentment, I'm not upset with her for leaving, so why do I feel this way? Seems I've spent half an hour just weeping. I should go to bed soon. It's 11:30PM. 

09/06/2016

Lipstick/lipgloss + Bedding = $35

09/11/2016

Ryan's bday gifts $62.90

Last night there was a bit of talk about Gypsy. I was upset of course, but no one realized. Bunny kept saying “We never should have but her out there.” My parents said something like how we put her out there to stop being a problem but she might be the problem (because it might be her corpse that they’re smelling) then those two laughed. It wasn’t funny. I didn’t find it funny. I didn’t want that to happen to her. I still wanted to take care of her while she was outside. Cat messaged me last night: “Can you send me photos of my baby” “I miss her so much” so I turned my ma and asked if Cat knew she was outside, to which she said she told her, so I text back “If you mean Gypsy, I have no clue where she is” 

Cat: “What do you mean?”

Me: "Mom told you, we put her outside”

Cat: "No she didn’t” "How long has she been gone for?”

Me: "Late June”

Now I’m the one that became responsible for telling her. She knew I took Gypsy into my care, into my room, and now she knows I put her out. Sh’s probably getting the wrong idea, she’s probably cursing me out. But she’s the one who left her behind. She’s the one who didn’t take care of her, even when she was here. This can’t solely fall onto me. I wanted to help her. I cared about Gypsy. I felt so bad putting her outside, but it was for what I thought was best. Can I still have that hope?

This upcoming weekend I’m seeing Phantom of the Opera with my parents and Ryan, so that should be fun. It’s his (and his twin's, obviously) birthday this Thursday, so I will make their cakes Wednesday, well, at least his, and then give him his sister’s on Saturday (and possibly make it then), just so he doesn’t have to bring it to work or anything. I actually found the perfect romantic bday card for him today. Of course I’ll also draw my own, but I thought it was really fitting for us. The following weekend I might spend in Arnold/Murphey with my parents. Hopefully stress free :) I believe at a Bed and Breakfast.

I’ve been working almost non-stop on my visual novel, but at least I still am working on my homework/schoolwork. I won’t fall behind, I promise this to myself and my professors and my parents. I need to persevere. But I have been shitty at doing my Mood Journals, hence the fact that I’m doing it WAY different. But I have, however, been doing my planner, so there’s that.

I made pancakes for the second time a couple weeks ago (or was it last week?) and for the third time this week. First time I made pancakes was at work for the boys, they were just normal pancakes. Second time had chocolate chips. This time was chocolate chips and cinnamon. It made me happy cuz the boys (my lover and my brother-in-law) told me they were good <3 I made myself a special giant one XD

I think the sad part about typing my thoughts is the lack of drawing. I used to draw in my mood journals, but that was impossibly hard to read. =.=

So I started my period today…FUN…oh well. 

Oh yeah, so Ryan had made a suggestion that for my first tattoo I get it around my ribcage area which made me think to put it where the heart is from the side with a bit of the ribcage and heart tattooed with it so it has a meaning to it. “You can make it through another day.” Where the heart and lungs meet, protected by my ribs, engraved in my bones and blood and soul. My source of life to keep living.

I’m worried that I might be receding into a form of depression ever so slightly. Old dishes and molding food in my room, laundry that still needs to be hung, an unclean litter box…stuff like that.

So it’s seeming possible that my nail might fall off, I feel tempted (being an impulsive person), just to take it off myself when the time is right. You know, do it on my terms instead of it randomly falling off at an inopportune time.

I have began talking to Erika again and we're cool. Luckily Travis isn't around this trimester. It started the second week of school I believe. We just started talking like nothing ever happened, she said it made her happy. It's hard to not want to tell her to get out of a relationship with Travis to shit talk him and tell her about his flirting. Oh well. If problems ensue, I shall act, but for now, I won't muddy the water of our friendship when it's not by the dirt.

Mood Journal {Do Family Dinners Ever End?}

Day: August 28 Sunday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: waffles 10:05AM

-Noon: 

-Night: 5:50PM Greek food

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 2PM-9:40 parents and Bear and Erick 4:30-9:30 Ryan 5:30PM-9:05PM family dinner

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams:

Sleep: 1:05AM-6:10AM 6:25AM-9:10AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I started to get pretty hyper by the end of the night, but I had a good time. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes 

NOTE TO READERS: so this might be the last mood journal, but that doesn't mean this is my last journal or posting. I'll just be submitting my writings like my old ones. All the stuff I put in my mood journals like sleep, eating, etc are being put into my Mood Planner.

Mood Journal {My Hair is Ready}

Day: August 27 Saturday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: oysters and waffles 10:55AM

-Noon: chicken, salmon, and rice 3:05PM

-Night: surf and turf 8:20PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 12:05PM-1:10PM hair appointment 2PM-12:40AM Ryan

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 1:35AM-5:05AM 6:15AM-9:45AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I was planning to invite Lily out with Ryan on Saturday all week, but I completely forgot. My hair is all Halloween-y now. I was just touching it up for school, but decided to put some purple over the pink. 

Shopping Spree: hair, school bags, lyft

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Last Days Can Be Strange}

Day: August 26 Friday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: pop tart 9:15AM

-Noon: ramen X2 12:45PM

-Night: 8:35PM seafood

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 9AM-2PM boys I babysit 

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 11:15PM-2:40AM 2:45AM-4:05 4:10AM-6:15AM 6:30AM-8AM (nap 5:15PM-7:55PM)

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: It felt so strange leaving my work knowing it was the last day. I worked with them for almost a whole year, so they had sort of become part of my life and routine. Oh well, that's how it goes. They gave me flowers as a goodbye present, so that was sweet of them. Oh, so a YouTuber saw my VN and is going to play it. I don't know if it'll be put on his channel, but that's pretty cool anyway. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {And the Illness Spreads}

Day: August 25 Thursday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: pop tart 9:45AM egg sandwich 11AM

-Noon: pot pie 2:35PM

-Night: pizza 6:10PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 9AM-1:50PM boys I babysit

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 12:20AM-2:15AM 2:25AM-4:15AM 4:20AM-6:45AM 7AM-8:30AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I finally completed the intro of my visual novel, so I took what I had and turned it into a demo. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: The Illness Called Love

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: The Illness Called Love 1.0 Demo

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Get a CPAP and Lose Hallf a TV}

Day: August 24 Wednesday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: turkey and egg sandwich 10:30AM

-Noon: 

-Night: chicken and rice 8:20PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 8:35AM-2:20PM kids I babysit 3PM-3:30PM appointment

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 12:20AM-4AM 4:15AM-7:15AM (nap 6:15PM-8PM)

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: My TV has been broken since I got it, being unstable to hold it up straight, it had even fallen over on its own a few times. Well, today, when I was putting my Cpap in my bed, it fell down and completely lost its stand. Whoops. Oh yeah, got my Cpap. Hopefully it'll help. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: The Illness Called Love

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journals {Me-suh So Hungry}

Day: August 23 Tuesday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: Apple Jacks 9:35AM

-Noon: corn dogs 1:05PM

-Night: pizza 4:40PM 2 bowls of pasta 8:25PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 9:10AM-2:35PM boys I babysit afternoon with Ma and Bunnt

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 1:40AM-8:20AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: The Ritilan makes me super hungry all the time, it's like I can't keep up.

Shopping Spree: Joann's

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: The Illness Called Love

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Planning Cute Things}

Day: August 22 Monday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: bagel with cream cheese and Apple Jacks 9:05AM

-Noon: steak and brown rice with quinoa 4:10PM

-Night: pizza 8:25PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: Ryan 1:15PM-11:05PM

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 1:10AM-8:40AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: Hung out with Ryan, and as always, we just laid around on the couch and watched things, except for moments when I broke away to work on my VN. I also decorated my planner with my stickers. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: The Illness Called Love

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Fun Times All Around!}

Day: August 21 Sunday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: Apple Jacks 9:45AM

-Noon: Mexican Food

-Night: steak and beans 

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: Rory 11:55AM-10:30PM Kelly 1:40PM-10:30PM Cousins 4:40PM-8:40PM

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 1:10AM7:15AM 7:25AM-8AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: 

Shopping Spree: I had a really fun time with my friends and cousins!

Started Projects: Mood Planner

Continued Projects: The Illness Called Love

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journals {Doesn't No Mean No Anymore?}

Day: August 20 Saturday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: buttered waffles with syrup 11:20AM

-Noon: 

-Night: peanut butter and Nutella sandwich on English muffin 5:30PM

-Snack: brisket

Menstrual: 

Who was I with:

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 12:55AM-4:35AM 4:50AM-7:10AM 7:25AM-8:10AM 8:50AM-10:15AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: Bunny was trying to get me to come with her to do something I actually don't like because Bear and my Ma flaked out on her and she's trying to guilt me into it as always, I don't know what to do. She was crying last night, so I comforted her, and probably was the only one, but she'll probably use the fact that I knew she was upset as a reason to make me feel bad for not going. But hey, when I got ditched last second, I went alone. She's going to get her nails done, and honestly, I don't like getting mine professionally done, the massages, the cleaning, all that jazz, makes me cringe. I only like putting colors on, that's the fun of it for me. But I know I'll ruin them probably on the same day, and my nails grow so fast, the effect won't last long anyways. I don't ever file my own nails. But you see, the kind of person she is, I think she's frightened of silence. Like I think she has a legit phobia of it, because she'll freak out if you don't talk to her in the car, especially if music is not playing. I tried using the excuse that I have a hole in my nail, but she said we're only doing hands. It's all besides the point, it's wrong to force someone to do something they really don't like doing. Especially when I said to her face "I hate getting my nails done." I finally had got her to just leave without me. Things weren't messy, but I could tell that she was definitely upset by my decision. She kept making up excuses to deflect mine, but ya know, when someone else keeps making up excuses in the first place, they obviously REALLY don't wanna go. For someone who takes like 2hrs to get ready, she only came to check on me and ask me to my face (when I was still sleeping in bed) not even an hour before the appointment started. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: The Illness Called Love

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {I SHALL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL}

Day: August 19 Friday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: buttered waffles with syrup 11:25AM

-Noon: leftover platter 4PM

-Night: canned shredded chicken 7:35PM pizza 10:40PM

-Snack: cupcake

Menstrual: 

Who was I with:

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 12AM-7:15 7:25AM-7:50AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I think the Ritalin makes me feel really hungry. It's sorta making me hangry. I decided to start a mood planner thing. So it'll be like some components of my mood journal, just with a hand held planner and cute stickers instead. 

Shopping Spree: planner $28.77 planner stickers $31.13 phone cases $31.98

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: The Illness Called Love

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Family Sticks Together, Right?}

Day: August 18 Thursday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: buttered waffles with syrup 8:20AM

-Noon: corn dogs 11:45AM ribs and fries 2:25PM

-Night: carne asada platter 9:50PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: my last day?

Who was I with: 9AM-1:25PM 1:40PM-11:05PM Ryan 7:25-10:05PM family and ma's family

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 11:35PM-2:15AM 2:25AM-6AM 6:10AM-7:15AM

Moon Phase: full moon

Illness: 

What I feel: I went to my aunt's to help her out, Ryan came along. I guess her house is equivalent to the state of mind she's in. My shoulder/neck kept on bothering me a lot. On the drive home, I told Bear about the Ritalin. She had a negative response too. 

Shopping Spree: $165.96 (HT $97.10 Amazon $22.98 Etsy $45.88 (hair bow $10.50 bonnet $10.40 nails $13 hat $11.98))

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes, and started Ritalin

Mood Journals {Ritalin's Side Effects On Those Who Don't Take It}

Day: August 17 Wednesday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: waffles 8:50AM

-Noon: ramen (worth 2 servings) 12:35PM

-Night: ribs and fries 7:45PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: yes

Who was I with: 8:55AM-1:30PM boys I babysit 4:05PM-4:35PM appointment, parents and Bunny evening, Bunny night

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 12:10AM-2:40AM 2:55AM-5:35AM 5:50-6:30AM 6:35AM8:05AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I finally got my Ritalin and officially start it tomorrow morning. Don't think my ma really approves, but it's my body and choice, if it helps, it helps. Took 8 months, but I've finally got there. Bunny lectured me about medication, especially Ritalin. The whole "once your on it, there's no getting off it" spiel. That I'm still young and this is a huge decision, one she thinks I'll regret. But if I fail another class, I think I'll regret not making the decision sooner. To be honest, the only regret I really have, is cutting my hair short as a child. I don't even regret dating Travika or how nice I've been to them this whole time. She doesn't understand what I'm at or have been through. She thinks her antidepressants drove her to being suicidal, she was suicidal before she had them (she was put on medication because she tried to kill herself). I feel like my family has been the least supportive of me with my mental health surprisingly. It's sorta hard. They make me want to second guess myself sometimes, it happens so often where they make me feel guilty or ashamed, childish, foolish, idiotic. I know I'm not that mature, I'm helpless and impulsive, and terribly inexperienced in the real world, but I feel like I have a better understanding of it then some of my sisters at times. I started crying, so I messaged Opal.

Me: "I don't know how to phrase it, but I guess, well, do you think it could be the right choice for me to take the medication. I just feel like my family isn't supporting me very much on this, my mental health journey, like, I know where my Ma stands, but even Bunny had a thing or two to say. She thinks I'll regret, the whole "once you're on it, there's no getting off" spiel. That I'm just trying to find a magic cure. Well I feel that my antidepressants have helped, they aren't some fake cure. There are other things, but I've tried them, I'm trying them. It's not like I just took a huge step in one day and started taking medicine on a whim, it's been a journey of tests and trials. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, and if medicine can help, even just a little, I know it won't solve everything, I'll have to carry myself the rest of the way, but if it can do something that the other stuff isn't, then isn't it worth it?"

O: "I feel like the whole thing of "not being able to get off" is like, it'd kinda like like saying to anyone who takes regular medication (like idk, for diabetes) that they'll "regret" it just cuz it's long term and not something you take for a week and get done with that and people often go by their own experience or what they've heard...the worry, I think, is that the medicine won't do much good, and might cause side effects and I guess addiction? I donno, I think people worry about that too"

Me: "Well, I know those 2 have been on medication, and yeah, there's horror stories about ADHD medication, but I'm an optimist that the pros can outweigh the cons. And it's not like I will be stuck on it forever in the sense that if we realize it's bad for me within the first week or so, I can stop before my body becomes to adjusted to it. At least I'm sure I can. Sorry, it probably gets old, me messaging you in tears, that is."

O: "yeah, that's the thing...people who say things like you'll regret it and stuff, act like you take one pill and you've signed your soul away to the meds...at the end of the day, you can't know what works for you unless you try it oh, no, hey, if I can't be there for you the best I can when you need it, I'd be a pretty crappy friend, so don't worry about that"

Me: "I just, I just want to feel like there's someone out there that supports my decision, someone I love and trust"

O: "well, I do support your decision"

Me: "Thank you, you honestly don't know how that feels for me right now to hear"

O: "ultimately, everyone finds their wellness in different and needs different things to help them...and you're trying this and if it works, that'd be great"

Me: "I just thought they'd be proud of me for seeking help in healthy and monitored ways, and instead I've been interrogated and ridiculed"

O: "yeah 😕 and it's not like you're getting these medications through some shady way...you got professional help"

Me: "And my Ma has been there with me through most of my studies and tests, she knows I'm not just jumping the gun, it's been 8 months"

O: "yeah"

Me: "I know I've said it already, but thank you. Really."

O: "my pleasure, glad to help"

I'm very thankful to have people in my life like this. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Waifu Pillow Number One}

Day: August 16 Tuesday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: cinnamon toast 10:25AM coco pebbles 10:30AM

-Noon: burger 2:30PM

-Night: Japanese food 7:25PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 9AM-1:45PM

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 12:50AM-6AM 6:20AM-8:10AM (nap 3:25PM-5PM)

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I got my Dakimakura pillowcase today for Kurumi from Date A Live, and I love it. I also got my mousepad of her and my professional one. I was just chilling with eat while eating Japanese good (which I've been craving a lot recently, especially since I've been watching anime, but I do really love Japanese food~). 

Shopping Spree: food

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Those Feelings of your Chest}

Day: August 15 Monday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: 

-Noon: burger, and fries 2:15PM

-Night: 

-Snack: cookies, wedges, chocolate cake with ice cream

Menstrual: it's only the second day

Who was I with: 9AM-10:30AM boys I babysit and employer 1:25PM-11:10PM Ryan

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 11:55PM-3:40AM 3:55AM-7:50AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I finally talked to Ryan about the crossdressing thing. It took a lot of courage and I even second guessed myself, but it turned out more positive than expected. He has agreed to try it just once for me in private. I feel really bad for not going with my ma to help out my aunt. Incredibly guilty, in fact. I should have gone. I'm gonna do a photo shoot as Chiaki, doing her different types of outfits like school uniform, Lolita, hime gyaru, maid, otaku based, and maybe even something casual. I'm also gonna take pics with my new stuff like the body pillows and mousepad, so it'll have to wait until then for sure.

Shopping Spree: pillowcases

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes