I forgot to take my meds yesterday, and I realized it last night at my friend's house when there was no way I could take my medication at that point. My plans with my with Lily got canceled because her mother wasn't comfortable with her being so "far away" despite her knowing and liking me and my family being present. I bitched out on Ryan last night, which I already felt bad about doing, because of this whole stupid thing with the phone and just found it it was for no real reason because they didn't need the phone and that, just seeing the phone upon the counter when it was supposed to be in New Orleans, was my main trigger to start crying. I will admit, I'm terribly disappointed about Lily not being able to come over, I was so excited and willing to do anything to make it happen and worked my ass off to clean the upstairs over the past 2 days all by myself when a majority of the messiness wasn't even my fault. And it's not her fault, I'm not upset with her or her mother or sister. It just really sucks, you know? And with the stupid thing with the phone is that I snapped at Ryan because I was gonna be the bad guy to Bunny if I didn't get the info I needed, and I felt bad for that already, and to find out it was for nothing. I feel awful. It could be mainly because I didn't take my medication, which I beat myself up over last night, but I just went from being high up on this roller coaster to crashing down. I keep trying to tell myself not to think because it's making me cry more to look at the phone or look at the clean house etc and so on. I called Ryan when the tears first started to submerge, as I'm completely home alone right now (I just got home not too long ago) and was cooking my breakfast, to ask how soon he will be at my house. After the call, I was able to calm down again, but shortly after he called back to let me know how soon, I began crying again because thoughts crawled their way back into my head. Not too mention that I feel like a burden and that I'm overreacting and causing Ryan unnecessary worry and stress that he could do without. I really wanna tell Lily, not to make her feel bad or stress her out, but because it's my policy as a close friend or lover to someone to always communicate and be honest about how I feel, especially when those feelings involve them. But dear gods, I bet she would feel terribly awful, and that's why I hesitate. But Lily, if I tell you, please remember that I haven't taken my medication for over 24hrs. This isn't anyone's fault and I blame no one and am upset with no one. I just suffer from a mood disorder and was hit by several things almost at once while unmedicated.
Talking to Lily has made me feel much better. Also, Miss Kitty heard me crying and being upset and came out here to check on me. She's very good about it, even if it's just physical illness. The other night when I puked, before I got out of bed, she was comforting me. She just knows, even before I start expressing signs of pain. But yeah, sharing this with Lily has helped and in feeling much better and have calmed down.
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