Sweets and Sours Will Rot Your Teeth

11/05/2016

So last night I was wearing pj shorts, so my legs were very visible, and Bunny noticed them and kept commenting on how tiny and thin they were and asking why that was (theorizing it was because I walk to much) and my Ma made a comment in response that I'm overall a thin person and I just said "can we please stop talking about my body?" It's like of all people, it had to be Bunny. If she wasn't there, I wouldn't have really minded, but I don't need her obsessing because of me. The whole time of her flipping out when I was 116lbs is why I am super self-conscious about mentioning weight around her. And then there's the years of eating disorder clinics. She was even living in LA for a short while because if one. In-patient clinic, I believe is the correct term. She hadn't gotten aggressive last night, and I like to think it's because I cut it off as soon as I could. 

So I had such a shit day on Thursday, especially the morning, I even ended up having a meltdown at school in the cafeteria in front of 2 of my friends, but they hadn't realized at first cuz I put my shawl/scarf over my head and laid it on the table so they thought I was tired and sick since I've mastered the art of crying softly. I had a meltdown Sunday morning and Thursday morning 😣 twice in one week, not a good sign for my depression. To be fair with Sunday, I hadn't taken my meds on Saturday at all, so it could have been pushed by bad sleep and withdrawal. But I was upset by other things. Lily and Miss Kitty were rather helpful though 😊 Miss Kitty is such an awesome companion. She comforts me when I feel bad whether it be from depression or physical illness. So Thursday, I got up late, didn't have time to pack lunch (I was going to until I realized I brought down someone else's leftovers and not mine and didn't have time to run back up) or eat breakfast, so I thought I'd just buy something. I also couldn't find my water bottle, but my dad always had one in his car that he offered to me, so I thought I'd take it, but that was the one day it wasn't there. Guess I gotta buy that too. While in my first class, I realized I didn't have my lip balm (which is important for changing weathers because it hurts like a bitch on my sensitive skin) and that I forgot my ring again and it was even something I heard fall when I grabbed my clothes (I put it on top of my dress to not forget it) but didn't thing much about. So after class, when I go to buy food and water, I get to the cashier to buy my food and...I don't have any money. I only have $8 between both my accounts ($3 my checking $5 in savings). I apologized and put everything back, go upstairs to the cafeteria and my friends and try not to cry. Eventually, I had to go to the bathroom since I didn't have a chance to go all morning and I need to change my pad anyways, and cry while on my stall, also thinking about other things that I really don't want to talk about at the moment still. I came back out to my friends, put the scarf on my head and lay it upon the table, trying not to be too obvious until eventually a friend hears me sniffle and says that everyone around her is getting sick to which I respond that I am not sick, merely crying. After allowing them to see me cry for real, I tell them I'm having a shit morning, and mainly that I have no money or food (so I can't even take my medication). Both of the girls grabbed $20 out of their atm and gave it to me to which I at first told them was unnecessary and how I'd feel bad, but they insisted and I cried more in gratitude. I eventually calmed down and tried to seem better. It's so easy for me to give, but taking makes me feel guilty. It's a lot to do with how I was raised. I'm really glad that there are other people put there that would do it too. And that I have such a good friend and support group. I remember once, Erika didn't have enough change for the bus, and all of us were just handing her change and ones so she had enough for that day and even later. Doing a nice thing feels good, so I want to grant someone a chance to feel that too. 

11/07/2016

So, I have a confession to make: My course paper was due last Wednesday. You know, the one that's taken me 3 years and tries at this class? So I have been upset with myself all weekend for having not done it, and it was emotionally stressing me out and I even cried a few times, but now that it's turned in, it's like a weight has been lifted. But yeah, so shame on me for still turning it in late. But thank the gods that it's over and done with. I stayed up past 4 last night, though it wasn't only cuz of the paper, I just wasn't sleepy after I finished it. But it's all done, and I can hate myself a little less. I've conquered this beast called ADHD yet again, until next time. I'd like to think... I mean, I still hate myself for not being able to fight it, but I'd hate myself more if I didn't have an excuse like that. 

Why do hiccups have to get so painful? I was like having a hard time breathing cuz of this fit, it was causing me to burp and gasp, I was worried I could puke. Shortly after, I burned myself a wee but with my dinner. Later, I was in so much pain from dysmenorrhea. I crushed Ryan’s hand while he was sleeping, but he didn’t seem to notice. He was sweet enough to buy me an entire chocolate cake.

11/08/2016

My gay poly-ass self when I see potential for a polycule:

EVERYTHING IS POLY EVERYTHING IS SHARED WHEN YOU'RE PART OF THE TEAM EVERYTHING IS POLY IT'S A TRIAD LOVE

11/11/2016

It seems that people might be interested in my Visual Novel. It’s about yanderes, so I shared it on yandere fan pages on FaceBook, and so it peaked some people’s interest.

11/12/2016

My vocal class and the choir performed at a home for senior citizens. I got only one compliment that was directed specifically at me from someone, but her opinion means a lot to me. She was the pianist in my previous classes and tutored me in finding pitches. I haven't seen her all semester, so I was so happy that she was there tonight. She told me I did really good on my solos and that I've gone very far since we first met. I told her how much her tutoring meant to me.

11/15/2016

My dangerous engagement ring ripped my tights and now they have a run in them. I spilled my Cup of Noodles all over myself and stuff. It got on my computer, phone, art folder, and more. Luckily, nothing seemed to be damaged. I got out of my vocal class early, but my sister picked me up later, around the time I’d normally get picked up, so I spent maybe half an hour in the rain. At least something good came of a mistake I made in my vocal class. My teacher liked whatever it was I did, so we are expanding on it. Usually I don’t make good mistakes when singing, but hey, there’s a first for everything. There was this big bug (which I later discovered to be a Jerusalem Cricket) that was scary all my friends, and I was the only one brace enough to pick it up with paper and put it outside so it wouldn't have to get killed. Apparently it was in vain cuz a friend seemed to see it's corpse later.

So Saturday I created the covers for Her Choker’s book. Monday I created a musical score for a three part acapella for Four O’clock by Emilie Autumn. Today I wrote about 2,052 words for Her Choker/NaNoWriMo. It’s only 8PM, I wonder what more I can do before the night is over.

The Best Laid Plans...Apparently Not...

10/29/2016

I forgot to take my meds yesterday, and I realized it last night at my friend's house when there was no way I could take my medication at that point. My plans with my with Lily got canceled because her mother wasn't comfortable with her being so "far away" despite her knowing and liking me and my family being present. I bitched out on Ryan last night, which I already felt bad about doing, because of this whole stupid thing with the phone and just found it it was for no real reason because they didn't need the phone and that, just seeing the phone upon the counter when it was supposed to be in New Orleans, was my main trigger to start crying. I will admit, I'm terribly disappointed about Lily not being able to come over, I was so excited and willing to do anything to make it happen and worked my ass off to clean the upstairs over the past 2 days all by myself when a majority of the messiness wasn't even my fault. And it's not her fault, I'm not upset with her or her mother or sister. It just really sucks, you know? And with the stupid thing with the phone is that I snapped at Ryan because I was gonna be the bad guy to Bunny if I didn't get the info I needed, and I felt bad for that already, and to find out it was for nothing. I feel awful. It could be mainly because I didn't take my medication, which I beat myself up over last night, but I just went from being high up on this roller coaster to crashing down. I keep trying to tell myself not to think because it's making me cry more to look at the phone or look at the clean house etc and so on. I called Ryan when the tears first started to submerge, as I'm completely home alone right now (I just got home not too long ago) and was cooking my breakfast, to ask how soon he will be at my house. After the call, I was able to calm down again, but shortly after he called back to let me know how soon, I began crying again because thoughts crawled their way back into my head. Not too mention that I feel like a burden and that I'm overreacting and causing Ryan unnecessary worry and stress that he could do without. I really wanna tell Lily, not to make her feel bad or stress her out, but because it's my policy as a close friend or lover to someone to always communicate and be honest about how I feel, especially when those feelings involve them. But dear gods, I bet she would feel terribly awful, and that's why I hesitate. But Lily, if I tell you, please remember that I haven't taken my medication for over 24hrs. This isn't anyone's fault and I blame no one and am upset with no one. I just suffer from a mood disorder and was hit by several things almost at once while unmedicated.

Talking to Lily has made me feel much better. Also, Miss Kitty heard me crying and being upset and came out here to check on me. She's very good about it, even if it's just physical illness. The other night when I puked, before I got out of bed, she was comforting me. She just knows, even before I start expressing signs of pain. But yeah, sharing this with Lily has helped and in feeling much better and have calmed down.

You Are My Anxiety Attack

10/10/2016

The fighting had been going on for some point before I messaged Opal, so the time below is not when the fighting started, but when the messaging began. 

9:39

Me: You know, there's a reason why talking about politics is band in my household, and yet it still happens and results in the yelling and fighting I hear downstairs 😑

Opal: darn 😕

Me: Bunny is the LAST person to have a political debate with, cuz if even one of your views is different from her's YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG. If Ryan and her were to get into a political debate, it would never end

Opal: oh gawd

Me: They almost have and so as soon as I started, I whispered in his ear to shut up. There is no getting through to her, and it can be incredibly hard to stop him once he's into it

Opal: yeah...sometimes there's some people it's best not to argue with

Me: Mmhm

10:00 PM

Me: Oh my gods, they're still going and are so loud

Opal: D:

Me: Bunny just threatened to stab my Ma if she said the "n word" again... 😦

Opal: ...don't know which part of that is worse, but oh gawd

Me: That my Ma said the "n word" or that my sister threatened to stab her? I'm sorry, but saying a word is lesser evil to violence

Opal: kinda, cuz I've no idea what context or to whom she's saying the word - both have intents of violence in some way, at least to me

Me: It's not like my Ma goes around calling people that, though I don't think she should say it at all. She's not saying it to be offensive, but it is sorta the neighborhood she grew up in. She was the only white girl, everyone else was Mexican or black.

Opal: ah

Me: She doesn't say it in public, but still not a good word to use

Opal: ...I suppose though, given the context, agreed that the violent threat is worse

10:10 PM

Me: I think it's over. I'm just glad I was out of the line of fire

Opal: yeah

Me: Whenever I hear the fights get intense, I lock my door. If they happened at night or were geared toward me, I might keep it locked all night. I'm paranoid that she'll do something. I know I shouldn't be, I mean, if she was going to, she would have by now, right? Unless you count that beer bottle incident when she tried attacking my Ma with a glass she broke. A little sister shouldn't be scared of her big sister like this.

Opal: 😕 gawd, yeah

Me: But I know I'm being paranoid... Or is that just hope? I hate to admit that she's right that I villainize her, but she gives me good reason to. She threatened to slap me on the face before. She throws and breaks things in anger. She's talked about wanting to crash the car when upset, even when I'm in it with her. 

Opal: with so many threats, I really can't blame you for being scared

Me: And she's obsessed with serial killers and crime

She'll never know how much she scares me. She doesn't realize it's fear, not hate, that I feel for her. She likes to blame our Ma for her eating disorders and self-esteem, then I can do the same to her. How many times has she made me feel worthless or idiotic? I wanted to create an image inspired by her with the quote "You are my anxiety attack," because in all honesty, she is. I get anxious just hearing the suggestion of her coming to pick me up. I can't keep going on like this with my own sister. 

In My Dreams, It Came To Me, Lands and Seas, So Many Stories

09/26/2016

My dream last night was very interesting, it was like a combination of Hellraiser (or insert something by Clive Barker) and The Magus Bride (which I unfortunately haven't read or watched yet but REALLY want to). The girl of the dream was to be "married off" (in most simplest of terms) to this man very much like the Lead Cenobite/Pinhead/Priest from Hellbound Heart and/or Christopher Carrion from the Abarat series. But despite his appearance, position, powers, and some actions, he wasn't a bad person, though the girl was too scared to realize that at first and was very anti going through with it, constantly being rude to him and trying to run away and be free of his horrifying world. Though, she did come to realize he wasn't evil after he save her (maybe more than once) and even showed concern for her despite his small range of emotions (at least to the general public). The two eventually develop real feelings for each other. So actually, there was like this thing, were he couldn't have sex with her or something until their union was made official. 

There was another portion of the dream which was supposed to be a kid show. There was more aspects than the one I'm about to say, but this is really one of the few I can remember. There was this guy who was dating another guy who loves to wear "women's clothes" and dressed fully "in drag." He wasn't transgender, just a transvestite. They'd usually go out into town on their dates with the one in drag. And the best part is, everyone in town was totally cool with it. They were well aware the crossdresser was actually a male (and not because he looked it, he looked very much like a woman) and they were completely alright with him being a transvestite and then being a gay couple. Like no one made a big deal about it, no one made any comments or anything. They were acting like it was completely normal. Nobody asked crude or stupid questions, like "what's in your pants," "is the transvestite the woman in the relationship," stuff like that. They minded their own business and treated them like everyone else. You go, kid show. That's how it should be. 

09/28/2916

(12 in the morning close to 1) Imma try to finish the sprites for Sakiko's homicidal end tonight, scan the CG's in the morning, then work on their digital versions tomorrow, and write and draw victim after that.

So scratch the first pint of that plan. I'll take care of the sprites tomorrow. It's getting late. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep despite how fucking hungry I feel. 

09/29/2016

So I've stayed at a similar weight for about 2 months, so that's a huge accomplishment for me! Oh, and I have 2 solo parts in a song I'm singing in my vocal class. It's from Annie Get Your Gun. It's a fun, optimistic song called I Got the Sun in the Mornin', basically about being happy despite not having much. So I relate to it quite a bit. 

To do list (9.28.16 7:25AM):

-Sprites for homicidal end ¥ 9.28

-Scan CG's for homicidal end ¥ 9.28

-Digital CG's for homicidal end ¥ 9.30

-Write and Draw CG's for victim end ¥ 9.28

-Sprites for victim end (if necessary) ¥ 9.28

-Digital CG's for victim end¥ 9.30

10/01/2016

Bunny REALLY wanted someone to go to the Pumpkin Patch with her, but I don't want to go anywhere with her. I was even willing to hide in my bathroom for her to leave, gods know how long that's take... But I did have actual valid reasons to say no, like homework and my art projects that have a due date, but I know if I tell her those, she'll think I'm just making shit up to avoid her and she'll get pissy and upset. Eventually, it died out and I felt rather silly for having hid in the bathroom (a plan that failed once my father had given away my position before she left). She never did leave and instead watched TV with my parents. They invited me to come join them, but I told them I was working on homework. Which was going to be the truth, but since it was technically due Tuesday, I was lacked about it and instead worked on my Halloween Countdown since that had some things that needed to be done by tomorrow. Despite my family thinking I was doing homework, they made fun of me for staying in my room like an introvert. 

I had my last pill of Ritalin today, and my dad was supposed to take me to the pharmacy today (where I had planned to also get a menstrual cup to avoid future UTI's and heat wrap things for my shoulder/neck), but he forgot, just like he did on Thursday. My parents said we'd go first thing in the morning. I sure hope we do. I don't want to experience withdrawal with Ritalin. Luckily, just in case, I do have my old Ritalin as the one I'm currently taking is for a longer lasting effect, so at least I have a backup plan. 

10/02/2016

I just had a very scary brush in with one of my phobias that has now just turned into me getting pissy about it. I was in the garage, looking for 2 specific things, but collecting things I wanna take while I was at it. I had found 2 really cute pairs of goth boots that were near item #1 of that I was looking for, so I decided to add those to my pile (these boots are in the very back of the garage, farthest away from the door). Shortly after much hard labor of searching, I found item #2 and decide it's time to leave, my only exit from my current spot being where the boots are and then the path out, but as I turn to grab the boots, THERE IS A FUCKING BIG ASS WASP JUST CHILLING ON IT. I panic, since that's really one of my only ways out, and so in my desperation, I made my own way out, try not to be too frantic and get it's attention. I scratched my chin on something while trying to quickly get away. Nothing serious, though it might bruise. 

A minute later, I go to see if it's still there and it was. This things so big, I can see it all the way in the back while I'm standing in the doorway. So I grab my first pile of stuff not near the wasp, being pissy that it's keeping me from those cute boots and item #1. They're all such fucking assholes, and I'm not ready to find out if I'm allergic to these pieces of shits like my Ma is, especially the hard way.

I tried braving the weather and confronting the asshole, covered head to toe with snow gear. I wasn't about to get bested by a bug. I was too chicken shit. Instead, I just stood in the middle of the garage, singing and talking at it, until I saw if start to move, scaring me to run inside. When I popped my head out, I saw the asshole began walking back and forth on the damn boot like he was patrolling it. All I could think was how this asshole was just taunting. I thought about grabbing a thick cloth or towel and throwing it on top of him and trying to kill him, but was worried about failing and just pissing him off. Anxiety, paranoia, and fear kicked in, so I grudgingly left. What a frickin jerk. Not only are those boots super cute, but item #1 is my gameboy and DS stuff. Do you have any idea how much I could sell that for??? 

At least I was able to grab my Gameboy Color. For how old it is, it's in pretty good condition. I FUCKING WON WITH MY BRAINS INSTEAD OF BRAWNS AND PLENTY OF COURAGE. So I came out there again, and he wasn't on the boots, but was in the area they were, so I grabbed a pole and was able to get one boot to me. I couldn't pick up anything else with the pole, but I could move things, so I moved the pair of the one I grabbed to be with the rest of my stuff and opened the garage door. When I went outside to collect everything, it was all on the floor away from the garage door because it all fell out, making it distant from the wasp. I collected everything, closed the door, and now we're here.

I took my older Ritalin since my dad didn't pick up my medication until later in the afternoon.

I'm so fucking happy it rained today. I had a nice time with Ryan too and we eve danced in the rain since he owed me a dance in the rain. My Ma took it as an opportunity to get some shots of us. Later, when the rain cleared, my Ma had us model for her photo class.

10/05/2016

Love triangle dream: it was a dream about a movie that follows this gawky shy girl with her first year of high school. She ends up getting a crush for the school's bad boy, who is actually a really nice guy and a drama student. But with her crush, another boy gets a crush on her who is a nerdy sweetheart part of student council. My mind was already turning it into an idea to turn a love triangle into a polyamorous relationship.