20 December 2014 Saturday 9:08 pm

20 December 2014 Saturday 9:08 pm

I know it's selfish, really I do. I agreed that I wanted to go and my dad probably spent a lot on the tickets, but a really big part of me doesn't want to be here. The first show was funny, but I guess I didn't realize that there was gonna be 2 shows when I agreed to this. I also had no clue that I was seeing something that went until 11pm on the night before Yule. 😔 😕 (unfortunately there are no emoji's of face palming)

I'm PMSing, not feeling too good (I'm in the bathroom as I'm typing this), and I wanted to get some things ready for Yule (like clean and figure out little crafts and/or traditions to preform).

I'm behind on my writing and was gonna use today to catch up.

My dad totally forgot to remind me that this was happening and so I got a group text this morning about carpooling and I was just so confused. 

On a positive note, I like how I look tonight (almost like a serial killer):

5:49 pm Thursday 13 November 2014

5:49 pm Thursday 13 November 2014

I don't know. I guess I'm feel depressed and like I don't like myself and feel like a talentless, idiotic hak. 

I'm just...I've been struggling with the fact that I'm a bad singer when for a majority of my life I thought I was good. Same with acting. 

I also want to do a photoshoot with my 10 year old cousin for a winter issue for a magazine. She was going to be a cute little snow/ice princess (blonde hair, white dress, white makeup, etc.) and I was going to be the darkness princess (black hair, black dress, black makeup, etc.) because it gets darker in winter and it's dark during a snow blizzard. But now I'm feeling like the idea is really stupid. I tried asking Cat if she thought it was stupid, but all she did was ask, "why do you have to always be in the photos?" Umm...I don't know, 'CAUSE I WANT TO BE A MODEL. I hate being the photographer. 

But now I feel shitty and not pretty and not smart and not at all talented in anything and I just am lying on the floor trying not to cry loudly. I hate being pathetic and weak like this.

I'd like if someone from my family would say I'm a good singer. None of them ever had. Never. I feel like if your family was to say something about your talent it's a little more valid since they've known you your whole life and it's even more valid if strangers back it up.

I've just been feeling depressed since I got home I guess. I didn't want to really do anything. Just lay around. Also my appetite is almost nonexistent. I just want to do nothing but cry. I don't

Pppoufphcybnnuh

I feel like I'm not very creative. Like I'm going to get nowhere as an author. Or film maker. I feel like I'm a bad writer. 

I have so much passion but no talent to back it up.

I'm not even a good artist. 

I think I shall design my next emotion protayal. My self-loathing and talentlessness. Her design is scratching at my brain. 

Meet Hollow. She is a portrayal of some of my emotions. She is my inner sociopath (I'm not a sociopath, but I feel like I might sometimes), my indifference, and a bit of my cruelty. She is, above all, my emptiness. When I feel like I can do anything, no matter wrong or cruel it is. When I feel that there is nothing inside me and I'm filled with a black void inside. When someone cries, and I offer a shoulder and will listen, but that shoulder might be rather cold and I will offer no words of comfort, just my ear. And yes, that is a Pinhead (from Hellraiser) quote.

Meet Chip. She is a portrayal of some of my emotions. She is my inner placater, my optimism, my innocence, and kindness. The part of me that shares the sweets and takes on others sour. My love for anything cute. 

Meet Babydoll. She is a portrayal of some of my emotions. She is my artificialness, my longing to be like others, my low self esteem, and my curiosity. Feeling impulses to be different and dress differently is actually harder than thought to be. I have my times where I wish I'd just knock it off and be like others. When I just want to shut myself up and lock up my mind because I wonder how anyone can stand who I am. But ever so worried that I'd lose myself.

I'm not sure what my self-loathing depression's name is yet. I'm sure it'll come to me. Same as the others and their design.

12:51 am Tuesday 14 October 2014

The Gods do exist. My computer is fine! Sleeping will probably be easier now.

12:18 am Tuesday 14 October 2014

I sometimes wish I had anxiety pills. Optimism isn't a good enough one. I'm freaking the fuck out even though I have a feeling everything's going to be OK. I'm an idiot, by the way. I've had a scare about "accidentally" wiping my computer without backing it up. It seems to be here, fortunately. At least I think so. My anxiety gets so bad that it hurts my ribcage, makes my limbs feel cold but my core hot, makes me feel sick, a lump in my throat, and makes me wide-eyed. People probably have it worse, but I don't like this feeling and now I'm worried that I may not be able to sleep. I hope I didn't fuck myself. I don't want to loose all my stories and just everything. That'd murder me. GAWD, my ribcage hurts. I believe in you, Calixte (my computer). I'll probably report in the not so early morning.

25 September 2014, 7:00 AM

09/25/14 7:00 AM

To do list:

-feed cats ¥

-take pills 

-study for test

-give cat water

-write on board about cat food

-change litter box

-clean room

-*optional* blog/journal 

-*optional* work on violin

-*optional* work on Marla Saga

-*optional* work on ANaE

-*optional* work on Girl's Sugar

I realize it's been a while since I've written an entry. I guess a lot has happened. I'm going to community college, I'm making a short film, (I don't know if I've ever said but I got glasses,) I'm doing Wushu/Kung-fu, and now I have a violin. Things haven't been all that bad and I'm making the most of college. I've bee working on the Marla Saga (it's no longer a trilogy) and A Night and Eternity, and they are going well. I've come up with more story ideas and written more poetry. I wrote a poem about my selfesteem. I had a conversation with a friend that triggered the idea. I was saying how it felt like I had 2 girls in my head fighting to be in control. One was my self-hate, the other my conceitedness. I don't know, I guess it really sparked an idea. 

So last night I got a violin. I named her Chamomile McScone and the bow is named Early Grey McScone (they're either siblings or married). Within an hour of having them, I learned "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." It was still kinda bad, but I did pretty well for only having a violin for an hour. 

Well, I'm off to get ready for a new day. I've got class today (Tues, Thurs, Sat) and a test. I think I'm going to be very sore from Wushu yesterday (Mon & Wed), we worked hard. 

I'm so happy about the rain <3

Poem: Voices

Two girls arguing inside my brain

Both driving me to be insane

Extremes of either love or hate

So all my emotions I try to feign

Dragging me along like some bait

Sitting back, I just watch and wait

Not sure if I can trust any of this

Wondering if this will forever be my fate

One moment I will sing in rejoice

To another where I hate my voice

I can't feel what I once knew

For they take away that choice

Both girls fight to try and woo

That there is something I can do

So only in one feeling I should bask

For it is impossible to feel two

"But how to survive?" I constantly ask

For self-feeling has become such a task

I hear the voices in this session

Repetitively telling me to wear the mask

Going into this mental obsession

Drawing back into another recession

From this fight shall I gain?

I constantly will ask this question

Two girls fighting within my brain

Making me feel completely insane

Feelings of either love or hate

So all those emotions I have to feign

2 August 2014 Saturday 5:41 pm

I don't want to get up. I don't want to move. I just want to lay in bed and do nothing.

2 August 2014 Saturday 3:55 pm

I can't do it. And I hate myself for it, but I JUST CAN'T DO IT. I can't handle her or helping her it comforting her. I'm silently and awkwardly sitting in the car while she cries. I just can't. I'm shutting down. This is triggering me into a depression. I just want to lock myself up and hide. I'm not feeling well. 

1 August 2014 Friday

Suicide Watch. 

I am a member of suicide watch within my own home. I am a chaser, my ma is a doctor, and Bunny is an inmate. She's driving me crazy. It ridiculous. We're so worried that she'll hurt herself that we locked up all the razors and medicine (liquids and pills). She's showering right now while she wail and yells. She cries how she wants to die and screams about how she wants to kill her ex-boyfriend. They broke up yesterday, on my birthday. Her cries are worse than an infant or baby. We had a scare yesterday. We thought she tried something. She said she wanted to crash her car (she wasn't home, but we were) and her next call was her on her way home and then by the time she should definitely be home, she wasn't answering calls. Then her boyfriend and her broke up. She wants to make him suffer. She's being crazy. Right now she almost sounds like a ghost from my room. 

12 June 2014 Thursday 8:58 am

12 June 2014 Thursday 8:58 am

I remember staring a Cat's pug purse while upstairs. And then I kept staring at the floral pattern on the wall of my parent's bathroom. How strange that a place I feared at night would have become my sanctuary from evening 'till early morning. I admit I was hiding. I was scared. I felt so wrong even though my ma said I was right.

It started with my ma talking to us about the house, but Bunny I had to read to deep into it. She had to feel the need to defend something and start a war. Cat sat next to me and her purse that was the head of a pug was on the floor so I made eye contact with it's hollow eyes for the most of the beginning. My ma called Bunny a bully, something the household, except for her, could agree with behind her back. She fought back. I jumped in. I agreed with my ma. Cat left and I felt abondened by her. Of all the things I could think of to back up my claim, I mentioned how once Bunny licked Cat. She called me a liar. Apparently I was making some face that pissed her off to say she was gonna smack it off. After the moment I spoke, my interior and exterior were opposites. Outside, I was firm and strong and determined. Inside, my heart raced so fast it started to hurt, I got light headed and thought for sure I would pass out, and my whole body was shaking. Of all things I had to say, it had to be about her incident. When put on the spot, I couldn't think of all the times she had made me feel like shit and how explosive she was. She acted like we always hated her and thought she was ugly and ridiculous, especially in high school. But I never thought she was ugly and I absolutely loved her when she was in high school. I thought she was the most beautiful person in the world. That's why it was such a shock to me when she developed eating disorders and hated herself and wanted to kill herself. 

Eventually I began to worry about Cat, she hadn't made a sound that I could hear over Bunny's screaming so I waddled downstairs to find her. Bunny continued to yell at me and demand me to tell her why she was a bully. Mi wandered around all of downstairs in search of Cat, until I came to my parent's room. I weakly walked in and continued to call her name. I started to have an anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe, I broke out in years, I feel to the floor next to the bed, everything was blurry and looked strange. Cat came out of my parent's bathroom. She tried to get me to stand up and take slower breathes. We made our way to the bathroom and my attack didn't improve. Cat went out and yelled up the stairs that I was having and anxiety attack. My ma came down to check on me. I made my way to the toilet. She tried to comfort me but I was too upset with everyone, especially myself. She told me I did good up there. I didn't believe it. Even though I felt bad for Bunny, I was still ragging on her.

Eventually I calmed down. My ma came back into the bathroom and I decided to feed the dog, Fiona. I heard Bunny outside the bedroom doing something, so I retreated back to the bathroom to hide from her. Apparently she planned to go to a hotel. I was OK with her leaving, but I preferred she stay at her boyfriend's or friend's place, just so I knew she safe. I wanted her gone. My ma went to talk to her, Bunny was still yelling at her, packing things up.

Then there was panic, and we had no clue where Cat was. I was a coward and stayed in the bathroom. I didn't want Bunny to know where I was. I think Bunny found Cat and my ma went upstairs. Eventually my dad came home and asked what was going on after finding me on his bathroom floor. I told him I didn't know what was going on up there and asked him bit to tell Bunny where I was. He went upstairs, the. Cane back fibs to get dinner. He came back into his room. After sometime, I came out, got dinner, and joined him on his bed. He told me Bunny and my ma where behind the bar talking. After eating and throwing away my bowl, I crawled slightly under the covers and fell asleep in my parent's bed, after that was me being half asleep, but I remember waking at 5:30 in the morning in the clothes I wore yesterday (even bra and belt) and went up to my room to climb into my loft bed. I got to school late (my last day was on Monday, but we're doing graduation practice today). 

I think I'm the kind of person who will get physically sick if I'm not feeling well mentally. I just want to leave and climb back into bed. I don't want to be here, I don't feel well and my headache is coming back.

Hopeless Little Girl

Hopeless little girl

So that's it

You are packing away and leaving

No time to stop

Stop and think about the truth under our noses

How many years will you be gone?:

Hundreds? A millennia?

Ah, but we all know very well

You'll come back tomorrow

Full of sweets and lost the sour

But the flavor will come back at a later hour

Hopeless little girl

I've too much to say

But I know I will not speak these words any other day

About how many times I've cried at the thought of loosing you

About how many times you left me thinking there was never a thing I could do

Hopeless little girl

Maybe you were right

I am a cruel coward

And so very often I would bite my tongue

But I had finally saved the blood loss

And started to blurt

All these words that hurt

I should have set in my teeth

So I wouldn't have said the wrong things

But I was also hurt as hell

And couldn't think to defend myself

Because I'd prove you right that I was your victim

Hopeless little girl

I never wanted you to be right

Nor did I want you to feel wrong

I wanted to love you with all my heart

But never knew where to start

Because my avoidance could never end

When you were by my side

And how wrong I felt when I wanted you to leave

But even now as I breathe

I just want you gone but somewhere safe

Where we can still be friends

Hopeless little girl

I know you are miserable

And there's only one way that we are able

To rid of our fights

And ever so harsh nights

And that's to part our ways

Until some future days

Because all I wanted was for you to be happy

And to see you smile

So we could forget these past deeds

And finally talk for awhile

23 May 2014, 6:59 am

23 May 2014, 6:59 am

Have you ever felt a sick where you nauseous and have stomach pains, like things wanna come out both ends (let's top that off with a bit of lightheadedness and a hint of skakyness)? Then you get a flush of warmth through your body: you're not hot (except maybe your core), but it's warm enough that the clothes you're wearing make you feel like your being burned by the flames of hell. 

Usually, when I feel this way, once I get on the toilet, I strip down completely, with the exception of my bra sometimes, like right now, for instance. 

Great, now my back is hurting. At least I'm no longer nauseous. It also seems the stomach pain is gone, but a still a tad lightheaded and shaky.

I can't miss school today or I can't go to prom. There's no fucking way I'm not going to prom. I already have all my shit (my sister made me a crown!) and appointments. I hate acrylic nails, I already got them, don't make me regret it. 

19 May 2014, 10:00 pm

WARNING: explicit content

19 May 2014, 10:00 pm

So you know something is seriously fucked up and wrong when you get the urge to draw ficking graphically gruesome pictures of suicide only really when you are in a fucking class that deals with a certain fucking teacher. Either the is something fucking wrong with the teacher, something fucking wrong with you, or the is something so fucking wrong with the teacher that it makes something very fucking wrong with you. Either way, I hate photo class. Nothing wrong with the students/classmates, nothing wrong with the art itself, and nothing wrong with my skill level. I just have no passion for being on THAT side of the camera and I FUCKING HATE MY TEACHER. She made me hate photo. So during all her fucking bullshit, my suicide girl, Rose Red (an original character, her parents named her after the fairytale), popped into my head with her graphic illness. Let me explain her a little bit: she's shizophrenic (possibly shizoaffective), in her late teens, has PTSD (she's been through a lot of fucked up shit), had chronic depression, and has self-destructive tendencies (both self-mutilation and and suicidal). I drew her on my photo notes with a number of ways of suicide. One is all in one, and the other is on there own (except the all on one has a hint of jumping 'cause you can see her ribcage through a rip in her corset). I have 2 lyrics each from Emilie Autumn, The Pretty Reckless, and Twenty-One Pilots surrounding it. My photo teacher is always saying she encourages doodling and it's good for you, so above the picture it says, "Doodling's good for you"

Now I want to draw this in better detail

May 6, 2014 Tuesday 9:19

6 May 2014 Tuesday 9:19

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to do anything right now, with the exception of sleep. I guess if I were a princess I'd be Snow White or Sleeping Beauty for if stay in an eternal sleep (although Snow White actually had a piece of apple stuck in her throat that, once removed, brought her back to life). I want to sleep and write stories. I want to draw them too. I don't want to do anything but that. Unfortunately my computer isn't right, so it's even hard to do homework. My eyes are so droopy. I don't have my homework done. Maybe I'll get it done during 1st period and advisory. Knowing my luck, it will all turn to shit and my plan won't happen.

Three more poems, this time from the perspective of one of my characters based off of Dame Gothel in the tale of Rapunzel:

Never thought I cared this much

Never thought I could

Guess I need a motherly touch

Just to prove I would

~

Oh vanity, oh vanity

How could you have left thee?

You placed my love and beauty

Into someone right in front of me

~

Oh dear sweet, foolish heart

You have led me astray

You've put the sun into my nights

And the silver moon in my day

May 5, 2014 Monday 4:33 pm

May 5, 2014 Monday 4:33 pm 

So I looked at the last few entries on a page in my Englishy journal...the first entry is one line, the next three were two line poems (the first of which doesn't rhyme), and today's was a four line poem...does that seem like progression?

04/15/14

and suddenly, she was drowning

04/28/14

Lived my life with then, & they don't even know me.

Where my eternity has been spent, & I could not find myself

05/01/14

& she screamed while the angel gave a cry

Her wings were to broken to fly

05/02/14

She rolled on the floor

Banging on Death's door

05/02/14 [it should be 05/05/14 but I somehow got the date wrong]

I won't ever let you know

What's really inside my brain

For the moment I let you go

You'll know I'm truly insane

The one from today is actually from this morning after I took a shower. It just popped into my head, so I wrote typed it down. I think it's my favorite of the five, even though the dates wrong. I'll fix it tomorrow. 

Still depressed. All day. When I have a breakdown/meltdown/depression/anxiety attack, my computer decided to have one too. What a bitch.

My scones are good, though.

"Dressing up" makes me feel better. I think it also tells my subconscious not to cry or my makeup will run.

May 4, 2014 Saturday 10:24

May 4, 2014 Saturday 10:24

I'm starting to get really anxious and freaked out. I want to talk to my therapist soon (if not now), but my next appointment is next week. Technically it's a week and a half away. I'm swaying now, I'm so anxious. Fuck. Why do I feel this way? I'm freaking out.

May 4, 2014 Sunday 10:03

May 4, 2014 Sunday 10:03

Entry title: How to take emo selfies
I read my second last entry and started crying, so I thought it'd be a great idea to do self-portraits (not all of them are of me physically) on my phone

I don't know my I post these to a blog. I don't even think anyone's reading. If someone is reading could you comment on this post? It won't mean I'll continue or not, I just want to know. You don't even have to finish reading this post. I want to know if at least one person read at least one post. 

I'm I'm physical pain, but probably a lot more mental pain.

I posted that I think I'm getting depressed again, well I'll explain: I few irritable, I feel sad, I'm crying, I'm sleepy 24/7, I'm having trouble eating, I've been purposely hitting my head on things more often (don't know why since I don't feel anything, my head's as hard as a rock)...there's probably more, but I can't think if it. I'm frustrated if feeling this way and frustrated with my family. I'm so blrgergerer bleh

Y

May 4, 2014 Sunday 9:40 pm

May 4, 2014 Sunday 9:40 pm
I think I'm getting depressed again...

May 3, 2014 Saturday 1:02 pm

May 3, 2014 Saturday 1:02 pm

Last night/this morning was the first time I experienced self-pity and self-hat didn't accompany it. I didn't hate myself for feeling bad for myself. I felt so unloved and unappreciated. Invisible. I felt like the only way to be noticed in this house is to have a mental disorder. My parents don't push me to do anything like they do/did my sisters. I was supposed to get glasses but we waited so long that my prescription is expired. I took (and failed) my first permit test the day before the first day of school and was told I could retake it in a week, well the school year's almost over and no one's taken me to do the test again. Also, no one has sat down to look at colleges with me. They mention that they want me to go to a college, maybe a community college like Ohlone (even though I REALLY want to go to a Film School) but it's way to late to apply to colleges now (except for Film Schools, you have to apply to them a little bit before they start). It's like they don't care. Last night/this morning after Bunny's outburst, I heard my dad go check up on Cat, but not me. What about me? I do so much shit for Bunny and I'm probably the one who get bullied most by her and is most affected by not only what she says and does, but by everyone in this whole goddamn family. We're all fucking fragile in this house, and I might be the most fragile, but I cover my cracks with makeup so they'll never know. I have become invisible because I hate when Cat and Bunny throw their childish tantrums and get their fucking way, and I want to do that too, but the things they do and say when they're in that state make me feel like shit and I can't put anyone through that. It's my fault my family doesn't know all my outbreaks and meltdowns and breakdowns and problems and issues. And they'll never know how fucked up I am, or that last night/this morning I cried myself to sleep with these thoughts, or how hurt I am, that I am crying as I'm typing this right now, that I have so much negative things to say and what the poem I wrote in 1-5 minutes at 2 am today means. I can't do it because I've been ruined. I can't trust Cat's liability anymore and I hate to not be able to believe her on everything even when they're dead serious issues. I want to go to Cat's family therapy at her new PhP program and read this entry but I couldn't because then I'd be the center of attention, but I want to so bad. Believe me. I'm in so much mental and physical pain right now and it's not just because I happen to be PMSing right know. This pain plagued me for most of my life. IT hurts. It HURTS. Ittrwewpne=wnDæ…I did a photo shoot of different forms of negative self-talk, I realized that I am 7 out of 10 of them. I am Bitterness because, while I'll never hate them, I can certainly hate all the bullshit my family does. I am Discourage because I often feel like I'm falling behind in school and like I can't solve the simplest of problems, and Bunny certainly doesn't help with me feeling like an idiot. I am Jealousy because my sisters are more problematic and less mature than I am yet they get far more attention and I have no mental disorder like two of them or my ma or close friend. I am Judged because I constantly feel judged by my family and classmates but try to ignore the thoughts of my school and be expressive but I feel like I can't really be me in front of Bunny. I am Self-Destructive, not in body, but in mentality because I often hate and downgrade myself and put myself in worse situations than I was before. I am Self-Hate because I go threw cycles where I can't stand who I am and can't stand feeling bad for myself 'cause I don't have problems like everyone else and I don't deserve to feel bad and I am pathetic and can't do anything right. I am Self-Pity because even though I hate feeling bad for myself, maybe I do get that little time where I feel like the biggest victim of all and I deserve all the attention I've been deprived of. It's not fair It's not fair it;s not fair itn'st not fair [tu niot fair…
I mentioned a poem, here it is. It's called Fragile Dolls

Four dolls were made
All beautiful and painted
Sisters of porcelain

The first doll was bought
Put on a shelf and adored
Never knew a crack to her exterior

Three dolls remained
All different but fragile
And fragile dolls crack

The second doll would crack badly
She'd show off her cracks and scream
Then they would disappear as though they never exist

Three dolls remained
All dealing with fragility
Two frightened and bothered by the second

The third would get cracked
She'd show off her cracks and cry
Then denied she ever did worse

Three dolls remained
All faced with a fragile frame
Two in a world of their cracks

The fourth doll would crack but would cover her cracks with makeup
So no one knew she was in need of care
And thus she became invisible

Three dolls remained
All plagued to be fragile
Two warped with attention
One hating to be like them but wishing she could

Obviously the dolls represent my sisters and myself. It goes in order of age, since Bear was married and miss happy-go-lucky, she was bought and adored. Bunny is the second doll who complains about everything and screams about it. Cat is the third who throws tiny tantrums and get very snippy then goes around saying that she doesn't get angry. And I am that fourth doll, need I explain?

 Bitterness

 Discouraged

 Envy/Jealousy

 Judged

 Self-Destruction

 Self-Hate

Self-Pity

May 3, 2014 Saturday 1:14 am

May 3, 2014 Saturday 1:14 am
Bunny is going around the house like some sort of madwoman (although she's tame for her, well not throwing things around) and now I'm 100% that she should be put back on meds. She's being ridiculous and childish and irrational. Because no ones helping her with finding her glove, she's saying no one ever helps her and she won't ever help us again. Countless times I've helped turn over her room and house to find her shit. On top of that, I've NEVER asked for her help, and now I never will so she can't have the satisfaction of saying "no." Goodness, there's so much more about this that pisses me off. The fucking child. Why am I more mature than her (saying I'm more mature isn't very mature but really). If her boyfriend were to see this...she claims we're her reason for being the way she is, but she's just unstable. After moving in with new people, I'd give her a few weeks before she starts screaming at them and throwing her tantrums (and I still think a few weeks might be a little too generous). Then she'll know it's her...actually, probably not. Those roommates would be just as evil as us in her eyes. I just want to fucking sleep right now.

April 8, 2014 3:53 pm

April 8, 2014 3:53 pm
To do list:
-feed cats ¥
-take pills ¥
-ANY AND ALL HOMEWORK I HAVE
-clean up desk
-pick up/organize room a bit
-*optional* blog/journal ¥
-*optional* work out
-*optional* work on Girl's Sugar

So I'm a complete and utter fuck up. Just a minute, I think I need a moment to cry. So besides not being able to eat my vegetables, I am drowning under the sea called QUEST and I forgot Angela (my laptop) at school so I won't be seeing her until tomorrow morning. I just feel like I can't do anything right. I just keep flicking up and screwing myself over. Honestly, what is wrong with me? Because of QUEST I might not be able to graduate.
I realized another reason why I'm try to to be not pushy besides seeming like a bitch. It's because I usually get snapped or yelled at if I am (but if I'm not I get somewhat scolded and told I should have said something, so ducking confusing).
I only had 2-3 hrs of sleep last night. I'm a fucking tired and hot (really warm today) scatter brain. I think I just want to crawl into bed and cry and sleep.
I don't want to go to school. It only makes me stressed and depressed. I know in just being a fucking baby about it but {I'm do dizzy right now it's painful} I just need a brake to fix things 'cause I'm focused now that reality has smacked me square in the face.
Imma' do a few things for school, then I'll crawl into bed.

April 7, 2014 8:46 pm

April 7, 2014 8:46 pm
To do list:
-feed cats ¥
-take pills ¥
-ANY AND ALL HOMEWORK I HAVE
-clean up desk
-pick up/organize room a bit
-*optional* blog/journal ¥
-*optional* work out
-*optional* work on Girl's Sugar

Of course I want to crying. I'm embarrassed, humiliated. Bunny has no fucking clue what it's like to vino when you try to eat vegetables. But I REFUSE to be her, or Cat, or any other bitch that throws a tantrum or crying fit in public or on someone's birthday celebration. I will hate myself if I do, I hate myself for not doing so too, so it's a loose-loose situation, but the lesser of two evils is not that raging bitch that makes me want to be them to them in that moment.

My ma broke her nose in 7 spots yesterday. I walked in the room and there was blood all over the floor in front of her. My father tried to help her, only in a towel. Cat and I were the only girls/sisters/daughters present. We were supposed to go to Nijo Castle last night, but after my ma broke her nose, plans were canceled and we came tonight. My ma was so stubborn and kept insisting we go last night and leave her to nap and that she didn't need to go to the hospital (which she very obviously broke her nose, so yeah, she needed to go to the hospital). She has very big bruises under her eyes right now and scratches all over her face. Dinner should be here soon.

March 22, 2014, 9:13 pm

*WARNING: explicit content*
Entry Title: I Have No Right

Tuesday 5:21pm
K: This is what my illness is like. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7XjqSIR2ao This is me.

My Life With A Schizophrenia-Related Illness

Thursday 6:58pm
K: Heey.
Me: Hey :)
K: How are you?
Me: I'm OK, you?
K: I'm the same/ Why just okay?
Me: Well I've been feeling "mood swings" and I have been stressed and depressed recently but then there are some good things and proud moments. What about you?
K: My illness is getting in the way.
Me: aw, I'm sorry to hear that
Me: Oh, btw, one of my friends (I go to school with her), Cleo, sent you a friend request. I think you should accept it, you might like her. She suffers from DID, anxiety, paranoia, chronic depression, and a bunch of other things so you sort of got some things in common
K: If she sent a request, I declined because I didn't know her. Ask her to send it again?
Me: Kk, I will
K: Thanks. DID, that's fun stuff.
Me: Yeah…
K: I'm lucky, I have my Mental Health professor helping me. She's calling organizations to help me cope with my schizoaffective disorder.
Me: That's cool, very nice of her
K: Or schizophrenia. I think I'm schizoaffective instead of schizophrenic.
K: She's amazing.
Me: I'm glad, I've got a really nice therapist that's been helping me with this senior project
K: You have your art that you do too.
Me: Yup, but she's helping me with this service project called QUEST, and I'm working with adolescents dealing with depression (and other things) through group and art therapeutic methods
K: That's awesome.
Me: Yeah, it's part of the reason of my stress 'cause I didn't get my service(s) ready until two days ago and we have to present what we've been doing for our services next week and write a paper on how it connects with other things
Me: I screwed myself on that one, set sail a boat with holes in it *face palms*
Me: But recently I've pugged the hole and started emptying the water so the boat can rise back to the surface
Me: Merry Ostara, by the way :)
Me: Sorry for typing too much
K: Blessed Ostara to you as well. No, no. It's fine.
Me: So what's been going on lately?
K: With?
Me: Life I guess, what have you been up to?
K: Trying to cope. Trying not to do anything too rash.
Me: That's good, I wish you the best, ya' know, fight on
K: Thanks.
Me: Sorry, I know I'm not that much help :/ I always wish there was more I could do
K: It's okay. Not many people understand and know how to help. It's okay. I respect that.
Me: Thanks, It's always hard watching friends and family struggling with their psychoses and all I can do is watch and nothing more because I know that what their going through is even harder
K: We all have our own demons. Mine just happen to come alive through hallucinations and try to kill my family, friends, teachers, etc.
K: As I said in the video, I am destined to die.
K: The Shadows are demons that come to kill those who should have died.
K: And I should have died.
K: But I didn't.
Me: No you're not, don't believe the voices to tell you that. There is a reason why you are still here
Me: You are meant to live
K: In order for others to be safe, I have to die.
K: That's the only way they will go away.
Me: And yes, that means you have to fight, but you will (if not in already) have something to fight and live gor
Me: *for
K: It is in my destiny. I was gifted, and I'm being persecuted because of it.
Me: Don't believe that, you don't deserve persecution. You deserve better and the road right now may be rough but you will find retaliation worth it at the end, and it won't be death
K: But it's true.
K: It's all connected.
K: It is.
Me: And who told you that? How can you be so certain?
K: The Shadows.
Me: Can you really believe the shadows? They are mean, evil, deadly, why would they not be liars too?
K: They're demons. Demons are like angels, and angels know all. Demons know all too.
Me: Just because they know the truth doesn't mean they will tell it
K: Doesn't mean they aren't lying.
Me: Still, doesn't mean they are
Me: But you can't take the words of a demon with a golden spoon, there are reasons why they fell
K: They'll just keep trying to kill everyone I know.
K: They've tried to kill me all the time.
Me: Then you must fight for them, just because they say you're death will stop them doesn't mean that it's the truth
K: I don't want anyone hurt.
Me: So then you should keep an eye on them
K: But they're going to DIE.
K: :/
K: All are in grave and mortal danger.
Me: And that isn't your fault, and you shouldn't have to think that. You just need to fight on to protect them. You're death isn't going to fix anything
K: It's my fault for staying alive.
K: I was so close to death I could feel it.
Me: It's not, I just know it, I know it's not your fault. You've allowed them to make you think like that. But I am certain it's not true, I just know it
K: I think Sarah is working for THEM.
K: :(
K: Life.
Me: I'm sorry honey :(
K: I'm so lost.
K: So hurt.
K: So ashamed.
Me: I will try to lend out my hand for you to grab hold of and try to help you find your way, please don't give up, and please don't be ashamed to tell me anything. I know there is little I can do, but I'll try to help you heal from your hurt
K: I'm sorry.
K: I'm sorry.
Me: You have nothing to apologize to me for
K: Yes I do.
Me: You aren't burdening me
K: I must apologize to the world.
Me: Don't let them make you think such things
K: I'm endangering everyone.
Me: They can't hurt us, they're lying to you, they're making you believe things that aren't true. They're feeding you lies
Me: You're the only one in danger, not us, they can't get me or anyone around you like they're trying to fool you to believe. They've got a blindfold over your eyes and are trying to tell you your surroundings so that they can use you like a puppet
K: But my family almost died.
K: They tell me they're going to die.
Me: That probably wasn't them, it probably was something else that they made you believe it was them, they tricking you
K: :(
K: I'm so confused.
Me: I know, I'm so sorry
K: I keep seeing my psychiatrist's son
K: He goes to my school.
K: And I see him when he's not there.
K: I know because I ask why they're there.
K: And it's a sign.
K: It has to be.
Friday 6:26am
Me: I drew you a few things of schizophrenia

Me: Sorry, they're not very good, I drew them pretty quickly
Friday 8:38am
K: I like them :)
Me: Thanks, I'm glad you do
K: How are you?
Me: Meh, not a morning person but happy it's Friday. You?

K: I'm okay. Had to sit through Law while the voices were yelling at me. It made it hard to focus and stay in the moment. I was drifting out of reality quite quick. I get to see my friends tonight so that's a good thing.
Me: Yay, seeing friends is nice
K: Yeah. It'll be nice to get out of the house and be with people I care about. I'm just afraid that I'll be murdered.
Me: You'll be fine, I'm sure of it
Me: :)
K: Well, they told me I was going to die.
K: So I'm not so sure.
K: :(
Me: You need to remember that they might not always be telling the truth
K: I think they are.
Me: Maybe they just have that much of a silver tongue
K: They've been right before. They've sent their Demon Dogs and everything else. They've tried to kill me, and other people. I'm sure they have convinced Sarah to join them too.
Friday 8:11pm
K: I'm home.
K: Sorry, one of my best guy friends wanted to go for a walk. Then we went out for tea.
Me: Sounds nice :)
K: It was.
Me: Warning, nip-slip

K: I wish I could draw.
Me: One of them is transgender
Me: This is actually beyond my skill level, I don't know how I drew these O.o
K: How was your day?
Me: Well I took a long nap and I'm on my way to my big bro's (brother-in-law) b-day bro, so not to bad. You?
K: It was okay. I was hallucinating a lot. But I took my meds so I should be okay tonight. I wasn't going to take them though. And I'll let you enjoy the party.
Me: It's not a party
K: Well, still. I'd feel bad for keeping you away.
Me: Well you should probably sleep anyway
K: I don't sleep usually. The voices are too loud and my paranoia level goes through the roof.
Me: Ah, I'm sorry
K: But, on those lucky nights, my medications put me to sleep like they're supposed to. Thank goodness for their sedative ingredients because without them, I'd be doing so many things I shouldn't be.
K: I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
Me: Sleep well
K: Thanks, you too. :)
Me: Thanks :) *kisses forhead*
K: *smiles*
7 hours ago
K: Hey darling. :) How was the Birthday?
Me: It was nice, we went to the movies after the dinner. Simple and calm (' cept for a tiny outburst one of my sisters had)
K: Oh good. How ware you today?
Me: I'm fine, just playing Sims 3. You?
K: Just woke up from a 4 hour nap. Couldn't deal with the voices today.
Me: Ah, I'm sorry
K: t's okay. It's my life. Tis so unfortunate though.
3 hours ago
K: Meow.
Me: Meow

K: Is that a real kitty? D:
Me: Yup, that's Mistress Kitty from my vlog
K: Awwes. I wants to hug it.
Me: She's very huggable in the sense that there's lots of her to hug ('cause she's super fat) but she hates to be picked up…I do it anyway XD
K: My cat hates being picked up too. But I picked her up anyway. Do you have twitter?
Me: Yeah, but I don't use it
K: Okay. No worries. How are you?
Me: I'm fine, can't wait until monday (never thought I'd say that). You?
K: I'm glad you're okay. I'm conflicted right now.
Me: Oh, why? about what?
K: Taking my pills....
Me: Are you thinking of not taking your pills?
K: Maybe...
Me: Well I think you shouldn't stop taking them, it'll only make things worse
Me: I've seen it happen
K: I don't need them.
Me: I think you do
K: I'm not sick. I'm fine.
Me: But you said when you stopped taking them once things got worse
K: I'm okay. I'm okay.
Me: K, I don't think you should stop taking your pill. It'll do more harm than good
K: They don't want me to take them.
Me:They, as in the demons?
K: Yes.
Me: They're trying to kill you. Of course they'd tell you to do something dangerous. You can't trust them
K: But they sound so nice.
Me: Nice people don't threaten others' lives, they don't bother people, and they don't tell people they should have or deserve to die
Me: they have silver tongues, do not trust them
K: But I do need to die. I have to save the human race by doing so.
Me: No you don't, that's not your responsibility. They've tricked you into thinking that
K: But everyone is going to die. :(
Me: Don't believe them, you need to take what they say with a grain of salt
K: It is my destiny.
Me: No it's not, you're meant to be here. You're meant to live
K: No.
K: No, no, no. Nope.
K: They said so. They know my destiny. They told me of it. They did.
Me: Doesn't mean it's the truth
K: Doesn't mean it isn;t.
Me: I know, but you can't just take their word as gospel. Just because "they said so" doesn't mean anything, I could say "I am a purple bunny who likes broccoli" with the most serious and sincere tone but that doesn't mean I am what I said
K: But I know you're not a purple bunny.
Me: I know, it was an analogy
Me: I could add "I was turned into"
K: Okay.
Me: But my point is that words can mean nothing, just because it is said, and even if it sounds nice and so true and so right, doesn't mean it is
K: I don't know what's right anymore :(
Me: I know, and I am so sorry
K: I don't know who I am anymore. Because I've been thrown away.
K: I'm not me anymore.
K: I was robbed.
K: I was tortured.
K: I was destroyed.
K: And now I wander aimlessly across the earth and make deals with demons.
K: Those demons are inside me.
K: They live there.
K: And no one sees them but me.
K: But when I let them free, everyone will be hurt.
K: And I will be the last one standing in this world because they made deals.
K: We made agreements that I didn't consent to.
K: I am not here.
K: I am not anywhere.
K: I am floating.
K: I am drowning.
K: I am gone.
K: I am gone.
K: I am gone.
K: I am not here.
K: I am gone.
K: And no one knows.
Me: But you are here K, you are right here, talking to me. Please. I know that they've torn you down and they've destroyed everything, but I need you. We need you. Please K, you are here, you are existing in this plane right now, but you are drifting away. There are still some parts of you that is here, you are fighting on and you may not even realize it. You are fighting because you want to, and there is a good reason for that.
K: I'm not here. I am not K. I don't have a name. I don't have a name. I don't have a name. I don't anymore. They took it. I am just a human. But I am not here. I am there. In their world. I am there. And I am not fighting them. They want me and I know this.
Me: All I can do is ask you to trust me, and I know we're practically strangers and I have no right, but please
Me: If I could be there with you physically I could show you that you're here, I could show you that you're K. If you weren't fighting on, then you'd be dead right now, that is the proof I have that you're fighting
Me: They haven't won yet
K: K is dead. I am not K. She is not fighting. She is dead, but alive.
Me: You are alive
Me: You are not dead
Me: You are K
Me: I know it
Me: I know itAnd I know it sounds arrogant, but I am sure of it
Me: I know I can never understand how you feel or what you've gone through, but all I can do is offer you my "wisdom" and hope it means something
K: She thanks you. She does. She does.
Me: Please, stop, I know that you are K, you have to see that
K: Oh how her sadness is so strong. How her feelings become so consuming. How her mind is scarred with us. She has been taken over. She has been taken over. We have marked her mind with delusions because we want to control her. We want her. We want her. We want her.
Me: They can't have you K, keep fighting, you are here
Me: I don't care what they want, they have no right to take you
K: We are inside her now. We are here for her. She is not here. We have her. We have her. We have her.
Me: You deserve better K
Me: Please keep fighting, you must, they can't have you, you mustn't let them
K: We laugh at her pain. We laugh at her confusion. We laugh at her suffering. We laugh. She is weak. She is vulnerable.
Me: K you are strong, and you can make it through this. You've made it this long, almost 18 years. You can't let them win now, you are such a strong person, don't let what they say get to you. Prove them wrong, prove them that you are not vulnerable, because you are not. You are strong, and beautiful, and ambitious, and deserve better
K: It is funny what they say about time. It moves by so fast. And it took so long for this. So long. So long.
Me: You are still here K, I know you are. You can defeat them.
K: I am here.
K: I am here.
K: I am here.
K: They're hissing at me now.
K: :(
K: I'm back.
Me: See, you are strong, they were wrong
Me: They didn't know the truth
Me: I knew you'd fight and win
Me: You may not see it as a win, but I know it was
K: They will come back again.
K: They always do.
Me: But you will be able to defeat them, I believe you can
K: I need to swallow. I need to swallow them. I'm slipping away. I'm slipping again. I need to swallow them. I will be back. I will be back.
Me: Please, don't stop taking your pills, I know that they said you should, but after that I know that you shouldn't do as they say
Me: go, swallow
K: I have to swallow. I have to. I will be back after. I will go and come back.
Me: Go, go, you must
K: I'm back. I'm back. I took them.
Me: Good, I'm glad
K: Sarah told me to swallow. She's on my side.
Me: I'm glad you have a friend and that she's on your side
K: I haven't seen her in a long time. She's hiding from them. She is.
Me: Probably for a good reason, she knows you can't trust them
K: I think she's working for them undercover.
K: She would never admit to it though.
K: She followed to the hospital once.
K: I couldn't play there. Not with her.
Me: I remember you saying that in your video
K: She wears a dress like this
K: http://www.ebay.com/itm/n1937-w779-Easter-Halloween-Dance-Xmas-White-Party-Pink-Flower-Girl-Dress-2-12y-/141219886941
K: But it's a little different.
Me: How old is she? I forgot
K: 12. She's 12.
K: She doesn't age either.
Me: So are you feeling better?
K: My brain is foggy.
K: But I am calm.
Me: That's good
K: I'm feeling sleepy. But I don't want to dream.
K: I don't want to sleep.
Me: I think that maybe you should get some rest, I thought you said it helps keep them away
K: It does.
Me: It might do you some good to sleep
K: Okay. I will try to sleep. Thanks for talking to me
K: <3
Me: Always a pleasure, my dear

I am scared that I could let my friend K down, and she'll commit suicide because of her schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder (we're not 100% sure which). I'm scared for her. I wish there was more I could do than send her Facebook messages…if only…