I haven’t ever stopped being numb, and weren’t I numb, I’d be really angry or at the very least frustrated about that. Even depressed. But you don’t have those luxuries, the luxury to feel, not when you’re fucking numb.
I haven’t really posted anything about it, but the family dog died on the 8th, so exactly a week ago, AND I HAVEN’T FELT A GODDAMN THING. I SHOULD. She was all I had left of Moira. But alas, nothing.
I do, however, already feel the impending doom of wanting to quit school again. The semester literally started yesterday and I’m ready to turn tail and run. Even if it’s only dropping a class or two or three. I want to escape already and I hate it. I just want to quit and focus on writing. Why did I have to get re-involved in projects just in time for school. And I still don’t have my goddamn license and my permit expires next month.
No income and no hope. I had to ask my girlfriends/date-mates if they’d be willing to pay for two of my textbooks (I FULLY intend to pay them back). I’ve been highly considering Financial Aid and started the attempt at signing up for scholarships.
I try getting back into camming (yup, I mean as in paid to take off my clothes on camera and masturbate), but it’s always so hard feeling up to it nowadays. I have to be in the right mindset.
I guess I’m feeling overloaded while also feeling numb and it’s not a great combination at all.
Yesterday I didn’t sleep at all, today I woke around 3AM. At least I used my C-pap.
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