Dear Muffin,
This isn’t a traditional letter. In fact, it’s almost like a screen shot of a conversation I had with Jewel last night (as you will be reading this hopefully on March 22nd) in regards to what’s been going on with me. I have a hard time talking in person, and as an author, best convey messages through written word rather than orally and spoken. Now I might seem to get harsh at times, but I’m in a complex state of mind. Rather erratic. I’m just going off pure emotion and experience. But I’d like you to know my side of things. My point of view. It was easier to try painting this picture for Jewel as to what was going on from my eyes. So yes, you may feel differently, but you need to understand that this is how I saw and experienced it. And, this is what I’m feeling and dealing with.
-start conversation-
6:47IN THE EVENIN'
Ratty: I think being off my birth control is fucking up my mood swings (or at least going back to normal). I've felt angry with Muffin for 3 days straight now. Or is it technically 4 since it started Sunday. I haven't told him yet, I try to play it cool, but when I'm feeling done with holding a conversation with him I just can't keep up the act and so he notices I'm upset, but doesn't know what about or why. Offers a listening ear, does everything right, but I'm just not ready to speak up, or at least afraid I will lash out unjustly. I just realized that it could be that I'm having mood swings, mainly cuz I've been off my birth control for over two weeks now. So with that thought in mind, maybe I'm ready to tell him. Don't know if it'll make me feel less angry, but it's at least easier to tell someone you're angry at them mainly cuz you haven't taken your medication.
9:22IN THE EVENIN'
Ratty: Fuuuuuuck. I almost broke out in tears at a public restaurant during my brother(-in-law)'s birthday dinner. Doesn't help that it feels like Muffin is treating everything I'm saying like I'm trying to start an argument, I'm not even trying to sound aggressive or anything, I'm talking normally but it's like he thinks I'm trying to start a fight. I hate when family (especially mother and sister) notices that I look like I started or will start crying and so they press me and ask about it but I'm just like "PLEASE DON'T BRING ATTENTION TO ME. Do me a solid here, don't have me talk about it in front of everyone and take away from the reason for being here."
Jewel: Oh goodness...are things any better now?
Ratty: I'm keeping/kept it cool, or trying/tried (birthday boy didn't notice, so I'm fine with that). On the road home now, but Muffin is in another car. My mom asked if I've been taking my Zoloft. I have a new psychiatrist, I see her for the first time next week.
Jewel: Oh. Are you out of your medications, is that why you haven't had it?
Ratty: No. I'm not out. I have doctors to refill me. I just didn't get my birth control until too late because insurance screwed me over. So I can't start taking birth control until my next period is over. Cuz I got my BC a week after the new cycle ended so you can't start taking until the cycle JUST ended. I did miss my Zoloft today. But missing my Zoloft doesn't usually affect me. I've been two weeks off a medication that affects your hormones that I had been taking for almost two years, of course I'm going to react.
Jewel: That makes sense
Ratty: But I also feel like Muffin was trying to fight tonight. I kept trying to stop things by saying "I'll stop talking forever now" and holding my tongue and just avoiding conversing with him too much. Didn't help that we were pretty much in a secluded corner.
Jewel: I guess you both just need some time to yourselves
Ratty: I don't know. Maybe he's just riffing off of me and is feeling attacked. I don't know. I just can't tell if I'm actually being bitchy. But he's making me feel bitchier. But I'm trying not to engage in those feelings. I'm avoiding getting into pointless arguments and lashing out. I'm trying not too.
Jewel: Maybe he's still feeling ruffled from feeling like you're angry at him for no reason, I donno. Which is why I thought it might be good to let him calm down a bit or something.
Ratty: He's not even sure that I'm angry at him. He's even apologized in advance when I told him before dinner that we'd talk about it afterward, thinking he either fucked up or he's sorry that something's upsetting me. So now I'm confused cuz now it's like he's starting to fight me but I don't know why he would if he's sorry. If someone thinks they fucked up, then usually people walk on eggshells. So now he's just being rude, inconsiderate, and his usually derpieness of not realizing what he's doing. Maybe not rude but it's just I'm trying not to fight it it feels like he is whether he knows it or not. Like when I had already repeated a couple times the line of shutting up forever, he was like "is that your quote of the day?"
Jewel: I donno, tbh, "shutting up forever" does sound kinda fighty, in a way. I donno, it would annoy me, like I'm doing something wrong when I don't think I am, if that makes sense.
Ratty: But he didn't say it like he was annoyed, more of in jest. While I was saying it to be like "I'm trying not to upset you so I'm going to stop talking cuz no matter what I say you're treating it like a fight." But I can't say that exact thing without causing a scene or embarrassing him in public. Muffin is the most fucking oblivious derpy ass I know. And every time he tries to make an excuse for his obliviousness, he says "I'm derpy today...well, derpier than usual" which it feels like he always fucking says. You can see how that gets annoying. Like, he doesn't need to keep fucking saying it, I KNOW.
Jewel: Isn't he saying that in jest? Or at any rate, if he has no other reply to being told he's oblivious
Ratty: I'm not looking for answers or excuses when he says it, he doesn't need to explain himself. No, he's explaining himself. And he almost always says it in the same way, and he doesn't realize it. CUZ HE'S A DERP. My anger got started with him with a stupid argument over a stupid trash can in our stupid bathroom (also with how he didn't tell me that he already cleaned most of the bathroom on my exact day I clean the bathroom and I had already (re-)cleaned everything by the time I found out, but that didn't bother me as much as the trash can). This happened Sunday. It just keeps getting left open and it's been bothering me for weeks and when I tried to talk to him about it, he was like "well I'm not even going to notice I left it open so I'm not going to close it" so it was just like pointless and he didn't get why I was so bothered by it even though I gave him reasons. He just ignored them and found other excuses. So I told him to get out of the bathroom so I could finish cleaning it. I wasn't going to drag on a pointless argument, because he will ramble on and on, mainly repeating himself. I am starting to know his patterns now and wasn't in the mood. I suppose I got this way even before taking any medication. I one day just woke up feeling angry with him. So I texted him an apology for feeling angry with him before we even met up that day and he was so good about it, confused, but understanding. At least this time the anger felt justified, if at least a little... And there's been spurts where I forget I'm upset and even been affectionate, but then he reactivates it and I'm done with talking to him. I was even gonna ask him on a date last night for this morning. Cuz I'm not trying to be the aggressor. I'm not trying to be ruled by this emotion. But tonight I just felt like he was unintentionally being a jerk. And I hate trying to explain myself to him when I'm upset or he did something that made me upset cuz he just says excuses and I hardly feel closure like my feelings weren't validated and practically ignored. He's a good guy but he's oblivious. He tries, but just can't get it sometimes. And when I'm an emotional train wreck, gods, it's a bad combination.
Jewel: I guess what I'm getting here is he mainly needs to get better at admitting a mistake instead of excusing it
Ratty: There's part of me that feels like I'll be too mean and/or embarrass him and a part of me that feels like my feeling will be discounted anyway so what's the point, and that's why I'm stalling telling him. Not only does he make excuses for his mistakes, he also over exaggerates, acts like he's keeping track of certain things, like how many goddamn times I've complained about Luna spilling a drink or something else I said. When I know that number he's pulling out his ass is too damn high. And he believes my memory is wrong as his is right. I know I have ADHD, so memory isn't my strong point, but so does he. And even people without ADHD have obscured memory and low chances of remembering things perfectly. Everyone has false memories, as someone who studied psychology (and with the same professor I had), he should know this. But he always hold to his memory. If the statements don't match his memory, the statements are wrong. And so that's why it's so fucking hard to explain myself to him as well, because his goddamn memory is his voucher. Because he remembers it differently. Because he's keeping track of this or that. But he's too oblivious to notice the trash can lid is open. I feel like just screen-shotting everything I've typed to you and send it, cuz it'd be a hell of a lot easier than to actual say it to him. Too much getting off track, of being able to say how I felt about it in the moment but my memories are wonked.
Jewel: I mean, you could send it to him slightly rephrased to address him. Or in general, it might help to write it out, even if you don't send him this
Ratty: He's the one always trying to push me to not be a pushover. To give the letters to my mom and sister. Wouldn't it only be right to give him his?
Jewel: I think it's worth a shot. So you can really properly lay your thoughts out, and he can read it at his pace and actually take it in, instead of replying right away before giving it some thought.
Ratty: We have a bad habit of cutting each other off, not being able to finish thoughts.
Jewel: Yeah, I can imagine. I feel like a lot of people tend to do that, myself included, sometimes.
Ratty: ADD people especially, don't wanna forget that thing that just popped into our hea- oops, now it's gone. We're also both impulsive...so yeah. I feel like talking to you has helped a lot, especially just getting this off my chest. I've actually barricaded my bedroom door with a cat tower cuz I don't have a lock on my knob. I'm not ready yet.
-end conversation-
Perhaps some things I’ve forgotten to mention that whilst you don’t get pissed off easily, you do get pissy a lot. I believe I’ve actually said that to you before. You just seem to get frustrated, defensive, and dismissive so quickly and it makes it hard for me to try and converse with you at times or even want to.
At the end of the day, I love you so much and don’t want to lose you. But I’m getting to a point where I feel like banging my head against a wall or like I’m between a rock and a hard place with no where comfortable in between. And this could be mainly because of the mood swings. But I’d like to feel that there is an actual valid reasoning for my feelings. That while they may be exaggerated, I’m still feeling them for a reason. I love you and hope this has been helpful to us both.
With love, trust, and communication,
Cailin Shea
Post Script
I feel like this dialogue I had with Jewel after putting this together can also be very important and vital to you understanding the emotional turmoil I’m going through right now. It’s a very frightening and confusing state I’m in.
-start conversation-
11:58IN THE EVENIN'
Jewel: Sounds good too. But I guess what you mean by "I’d like to feel that there is an actual valid reasoning for my feelings" is really that you think there is a valid reason, right?
Ratty: yeah
Jewel: Cuz the way this is worded almost sounds like wishful thinking/ Donno if I'm just interpreting things weird or overthinking it
Ratty: I don't know if I'm interpreting my feelings weird or overthinking it XD I guess it is wishful thinking. It's a really scary place that I'm at. I want to believe my emotions are mine. But I'm scared I'm not feeling justified things. I'm scared. I'm confused
Jewel: Yeah...if it's any help, the things you told me he does would annoy me too
Ratty: I want this to stop. I want my mood swing to go away. I want to be able to know that I'm feeling something and have the right to, not just because I'm hormonal. I feel like I just got hit hard by a truck of emotions, so I'm not sure which are truly my valid ones. I mean fuck, who gets angry with their fiancé for four days straight over a fucking trash can.
Jewel: In a way, something good might come of it. Cuz ultimately, these little things do add up in the long run. But if this experience helps you two work through these things, on the bright side, you both might come out stronger because of it.
Ratty: yeah, and that's why it's important to talk to him and tell him all of this
Jewel: After all, it's a fact that the biggest indicator of a couple breaking up or staying together is how often they work through or drop the little things.
Ratty: I almost feel like I'm crazy or becoming like my mom, you know? I can't wait to start seeing my psychiatrist. I thought I was doing fine, but maybe my mom was right. Maybe it's more than just the birth control.
Jewel: Why did you change psychiatrists, by the way?
Ratty: I moved
Jewel: Oh right, of course, that makes sense
Ratty: and I was doing better, I was at a point where I only needed to see her once a month and my therapist occasionally. But then there was that moment in October and now this. My low dosage of birth control can't be the only thing doing this to me
Jewel: Maybe it's the recent many changes? You moved, you were stressed about jobs until now, things like that
Ratty: I don't want to get hospitalized like my sisters and mom, I only ever had thoughts of hurting myself and slightly acting it out that one time, but it could be enough to scare a psychiatrist. But I don't want to hide that. I don't want to be hospitalized right after starting a new job, that is. I know I'm being paranoid, but Cat never actually tried to kill herself when she was hospitalized. Same for my mom.
Jewel: But since you've never even had thoughts of self-harm since then, would that still be enough? And you didn't actually harm yourself when you felt the urge
Ratty: I don't know. Every psychiatrist is different. You don't even have to a danger to yourself or others to be hospitalized. My mom only hurt herself once and it was because she had nerve pain and was trying to distract herself. I kinda did hurt myself. I slapped, bit, gripped, and knocked myself. Pulled my hair. I needed to not feel the emotional anguish. I just didn't jump out the window like I wanted to. Not in a suicidal way, just to hurt myself during the fall. I told you my emotions are going haywire right now. I'm being erratic and jumping to things. It was one time, and months ago. I shouldn't let it catch back up to me.
Jewel: Is there anything that might help calm or distract you even a bit? Just to ease things enough to not let it get worse.
Ratty: My insomnia has gotten bad again. Can't fall asleep for a long time until very late and then wake up rather early, almost unable to go back to sleep, which isn't something caused by sleep apnea. I have a fidget spinner now. Won it from a holiday game. I had it on me tonight during dinner and it helped. Luna helps and once I clear the rubble with Muffin…he should too…
Jewel: Does music help? Or those calming sounds things?
Ratty: sometimes…mainly music. Though, that one night, nothing could help. Only spacing out and drooling on myself like a lobotomized vegetable…
-end conversation-
