Day: August 17 Wednesday 2016
Certain Emotion on Time of Day:
Weather:
What I Ate
-Morning: waffles 8:50AM
-Noon: ramen (worth 2 servings) 12:35PM
-Night: ribs and fries 7:45PM
-Snack:
Menstrual: yes
Who was I with: 8:55AM-1:30PM boys I babysit 4:05PM-4:35PM appointment, parents and Bunny evening, Bunny night
When was I alone:
Stressors [depressed]:
Contributors [happy]:
Dreams:
Sleep: 12:10AM-2:40AM 2:55AM-5:35AM 5:50-6:30AM 6:35AM8:05AM
Moon Phase:
Illness:
What I feel: I finally got my Ritalin and officially start it tomorrow morning. Don't think my ma really approves, but it's my body and choice, if it helps, it helps. Took 8 months, but I've finally got there. Bunny lectured me about medication, especially Ritalin. The whole "once your on it, there's no getting off it" spiel. That I'm still young and this is a huge decision, one she thinks I'll regret. But if I fail another class, I think I'll regret not making the decision sooner. To be honest, the only regret I really have, is cutting my hair short as a child. I don't even regret dating Travika or how nice I've been to them this whole time. She doesn't understand what I'm at or have been through. She thinks her antidepressants drove her to being suicidal, she was suicidal before she had them (she was put on medication because she tried to kill herself). I feel like my family has been the least supportive of me with my mental health surprisingly. It's sorta hard. They make me want to second guess myself sometimes, it happens so often where they make me feel guilty or ashamed, childish, foolish, idiotic. I know I'm not that mature, I'm helpless and impulsive, and terribly inexperienced in the real world, but I feel like I have a better understanding of it then some of my sisters at times. I started crying, so I messaged Opal.
Me: "I don't know how to phrase it, but I guess, well, do you think it could be the right choice for me to take the medication. I just feel like my family isn't supporting me very much on this, my mental health journey, like, I know where my Ma stands, but even Bunny had a thing or two to say. She thinks I'll regret, the whole "once you're on it, there's no getting off" spiel. That I'm just trying to find a magic cure. Well I feel that my antidepressants have helped, they aren't some fake cure. There are other things, but I've tried them, I'm trying them. It's not like I just took a huge step in one day and started taking medicine on a whim, it's been a journey of tests and trials. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, and if medicine can help, even just a little, I know it won't solve everything, I'll have to carry myself the rest of the way, but if it can do something that the other stuff isn't, then isn't it worth it?"
O: "I feel like the whole thing of "not being able to get off" is like, it'd kinda like like saying to anyone who takes regular medication (like idk, for diabetes) that they'll "regret" it just cuz it's long term and not something you take for a week and get done with that and people often go by their own experience or what they've heard...the worry, I think, is that the medicine won't do much good, and might cause side effects and I guess addiction? I donno, I think people worry about that too"
Me: "Well, I know those 2 have been on medication, and yeah, there's horror stories about ADHD medication, but I'm an optimist that the pros can outweigh the cons. And it's not like I will be stuck on it forever in the sense that if we realize it's bad for me within the first week or so, I can stop before my body becomes to adjusted to it. At least I'm sure I can. Sorry, it probably gets old, me messaging you in tears, that is."
O: "yeah, that's the thing...people who say things like you'll regret it and stuff, act like you take one pill and you've signed your soul away to the meds...at the end of the day, you can't know what works for you unless you try it oh, no, hey, if I can't be there for you the best I can when you need it, I'd be a pretty crappy friend, so don't worry about that"
Me: "I just, I just want to feel like there's someone out there that supports my decision, someone I love and trust"
O: "well, I do support your decision"
Me: "Thank you, you honestly don't know how that feels for me right now to hear"
O: "ultimately, everyone finds their wellness in different and needs different things to help them...and you're trying this and if it works, that'd be great"
Me: "I just thought they'd be proud of me for seeking help in healthy and monitored ways, and instead I've been interrogated and ridiculed"
O: "yeah 😕 and it's not like you're getting these medications through some shady way...you got professional help"
Me: "And my Ma has been there with me through most of my studies and tests, she knows I'm not just jumping the gun, it's been 8 months"
O: "yeah"
Me: "I know I've said it already, but thank you. Really."
O: "my pleasure, glad to help"
I'm very thankful to have people in my life like this.
Shopping Spree:
Started Projects:
Continued Projects:
Canceled Projects:
Finished Projects:
Did you take your medicine?: yes
