Mecember Day 26

Ways to win my heart:

Tea (it gets a thing of its own cuz tea is awesome)

Drinks: sparkling cider, root beer, Sherly temple, ginger beer. 

Food: chocolates (mainly milk chocolate), meats, mint chocolate chip ice cream, meat and cheese and crackers.

Personality: gentleman (whether your female or male), if I get to the door first and hold it open for you GO THROUGH THE DAMN DOOR, to like cuddling and holding hands, paying me sincere compliments (like dot tell me I'm pretty just to tell me I'm pretty, be honest and full hearted when complimenting me). 

Etc: Wear a suit for me at least once (if you wear one more than once and like wearing them then you are on a good path), video chats are nice (I hate texting cuz it's impersonal and phone calls are just a little better than texting but I'm s very visual person who likes intimate and personal things), spoiling me but only when you can really afford to (but no matter what I'll feel guilty) and letting me spoil you (I LOVE to spoil my lovers), being OK with acting like yourself and when I act like myself no matter how weird or silly or cute it is.

Mecember Day 25

It's very strange for me to think that someone feels or think of me the same way I do them. Romantically (and I guess sexually) that is. Like, I don't think anyone would miss my taste or smell, think of me at random times, like the happy face I have because of them. But, surely, if they love me like I do them, I'm not alone in some of these feelings, right? I feel weird, obsessive, or stalkerish feeling that way, even when I know I'm not even close to those extremes. It just feels like in prying into such a personal thing. So I'm not to comfortable with telling that person I'm thinking about them, or missing those specific things...that is, unless I like or love them so much, I need them to know. It's that I love them enough, I need them to know the true me, so to know if who I really am will scare them away, then I can let go of them if that's the case. But I hope it's not and they turn to me and say "me too."

{Sorry this is late}

Mecember Day 24

On the topic of relationships and polyamory, I'd probably only date two (or more) different people if they were going to date each other too, so polyfidelity. We all have to be lovers, or it's no deal.

{Sorry this is late}

Mecember Day 23

Though I am ashamed and embarrassed about a lot of things about me, I have never felt that way about my gender identity, sexuality, or lovers. The only time I think I'd ever be ashamed of my lover(s) is if they were abusers, either abusing me or abusing a substances. But I'd probably be more ashamed of myself for staying in that sort of environment.

Mecember Day 22

I was in a polyfidelity relationship for two and a half months. On September 22nd, I nervously asked the the couple if they’d be my boyfriend and girlfriend. Not to recently we broke up for reasons I completely understood and hold no hard feelings for. It was a mutual break up on all our parts. That’s life, we can still be friends. In one way, as shallow as it might sound, it was a good thing because now I had the experience and know a little more of what I want and what to avoid, and I am now open to being in a happier, healthier relationship with someone else who is more compatible with me and that we make each other very happy. 

{sorry this is late}

Mecember Day 21

I couldn’t see myself being with just a guy in the long run unless we were also in a relationship with a girl or he'd be willing to open up to having another girl date us as a triad. That isn’t to say I’m not sexually attracted to men unless it’s a threesome, I just can’t see myself being romantically with JUST a male for the rest of my life, or more of not having a female partner in the relationship long term. That being said, I wouldn't date just any boy, I'm very picky and have a lot (not saying high, just a lot) of standards. But when I fall for someone, regardless of gender, I fall hard, and in love with every aspects of them: physically, sexually, and mentally (and anything else there may be). If I live the boy enough, it's possible I might just let the idea of a girl and triad slip...possibly. 

Mecember Day 20

When I was younger and first had a suicide attempt happen in my immediate family and that same person also began mutilating them self, I had lost all and any respect for suicide and self-mutilation. It had greatly upset me that someone would do that. I even told that person to their face. I regret that and that way of thinking. That's not saying I condone suicide or self-mutilation in any way, shape, or form, just that I do not lose my respect for those people in that place. I was ignorant then. I guess I have respect for those who feel and think that way, but are still living. It is hard to understand, and I am sorry. All I can say is to remember you are loved and to think of those it will affect, whether it be friends, family, neighbors, or whoever finds you.

Mecember Day 19

It was very surprising to me that I was such a good girl in high school. I'm not kidding, I was, and still practically am, a goodie-tissues. No shame in that. I didn't smoke, drink, do drugs, have sex, skip classes, harass teachers or other students, or sneak out. I was mind boggled by things other students plan to do or did do and I was just like "...why rebel and misbehave???" I was content with being a goodie-good. 

Mecember Day 18

I'd like to learn German and go to Germany one day. I don't know why, but I've always been interested in the German language and would be curious to know their culture. The top five languages I'd want to know are German, Gaelic, Greek, ASL, and Russian. I'd also love to visit Ireland, England, and Greece one day. 

(Apologies for this being late.)

Mecember Day 17

Now, this isn't the only reason, far from, but one of the many reasons (well at least now it is) I like to dress in goth or male clothing is because guys are less likely to hit on me. And I know that sounds really vain like I'm implying all straight guys wanna hit on me, but that's not what I'm trying to say. I'm of average attractiveness, and so there's like a 25% (I'm pulling numbers out of nowhere here) chance I'll get hit on when I'm dressed "normally/prettily," especially by someone who doesn't get that "no" means no. So if I'm dressed goth/punk, it might be intimidating to the kind of guys I'm talking about, and if I dress full male, well that's 1. Confusing (especially since I do facial hair and a bulge) and 2. Off putting to straight boys. 

Mecember Day 16

I've been feeling very positive lately. Like, I'm feeling more and in a better place. I'm sorta happy. Things seem to be turning around for me and it's calming. I'm still a bit anxious, but happy. 

Mecember Day 15

Knock me down and I'll just get right back up. Be it physically or emotionally. Broke my ankle: walked around on it for several days. Broke my nose: still went to job interviews the day it happened. Unload all this stress on me: tries my best to keep it together and stay optimistic. Break my heart: I know I'll make it through another day. 

Mecember Day 14

Unless told to stop, you can't really get me to shut up or stop singing aloud. Although, if I think I've been talking way too much or being annoying, I'll call myself on it and apologize profusely. 

December Day 13

Before high school, I used to think I was a great singer. At some point in junior or senior year, I started question myself and hating my voice. A teacher who was a judge for a singing contest I took part of even told me I wasn't very talented. I hate my voice. I annoy myself. I don't like hearing myself talk. And now I really don't like hearing myself sing. 

Mecember Day 8

Day 6 was late because I probably broke my nose. Plus I had 2 job interviews for babysitting that day so I was super distracted. And now today I have a job interview with PetCo. That's sort of a sign to me that my bad luck might be turning around, so I hope that's true.

Mecember Day 7

I walk away from most of my conversations (especially first impressions) feeling embarrassed and ashamed, thinking “wow, I am annoying” and/or “did I really say all of that?” I feel that I REALLY need to learn to shut up and really shouldn’t talk a lot or at all because I probably annoy, freak out, or gross out everyone around me.

Mecember Day 6

I always have seen myself as an idiot. I don’t really see myself as quite intelligent at all and have struggled with feeling that I was at least average intelligence. Then again, I’ve struggled with feeling like a good person, but mainly because I’ve never been smart enough.

Mecember Day 5

I was so ashamed of how I was doing in school, I didn’t want anyone to know. I used to forge my parent’s signature on infractions so they couldn’t see how poorly I was doing. I was scared of people finding out that I was depressed. I didn’t want anyone to know how lonely and miserable I was. I was afraid of the questions to come from it.

Mecember Day 4

I used to will myself to get sick just so I didn’t have to go to school. Sometimes the depression and stress would get me sick all on it’s own. Other times I just had to pretend until even I believed I was sick. I didn’t want to go to school, but not because I didn’t want to do work, but because I was ashamed and embarrassed. I was afraid of failure and that I’d come off as an idiot. I always struggled academically and didn’t want anyone to know that. 

Mecember Day 3

I didn’t start drawing anything gory or violent until halfway through this year. Yup. That’s right to those who met me this college year, this hasn’t been something I’ve been doing for years or even over a year. It’s rather recent, to be honest.

Mecember Day 2

Even though I have gone through depression countless times, I have never been self-destructive or a harm to myself. Sure, yes, maybe I wanted to just disappear and/or want everything just to stop, but never once had I wanted to kill myself or cause bodily harm to myself when I was in my darkest. Even when I'm upset with myself. I get this overwhelming feeling of just wanting things to end, but I'd never act upon it. (So please don't freak out or feel overly concern when I post/confess about my depression and stress.)

Mecember Day 1

I wasn't quite sure what to confess for the first day, as it sorta sets the tone, but I suppose this counts as a confession too. When I first started this, I thought it was going to be an equal mix of positive, negative, and neutral confessions, but a majority of my prewritten confessions have been on the negative side, so just a slight warning about that. 

Mecember

So this is late but (also out of order because of technical difficulties): 

I am going to do a confession post about myself everyday of December and call it Mecember. Some of this will be hard, some will be exciting, some might actually seem surprising, but I’m going for it anyway. If you have anything you want to ask or a theme you want me to confess for the next day, just comment it on the post of the day.

Mecember Day 12

I didn’t actually really DO dark art until halfway through my junior year of high school. That was mainly to do with my photo class. Yes, my stories did have dark themes and content, but I never actually shared or represented those themes in my art until I was a junior.

Mecember Day 11

I have a lot of fears that go through my head because of my narcissist and self-hate and other previous thoughts, and I have to try to remind myself that I don't have to worry. Like the fear that I'm only seeking out psychiatric help so I won't be the only "normal" one in the family, I'm seeking help because I actually think I need it because without it, I'm debilitating myself. Or that whenever I talk to people when I'm having a meltdown or problems I'm coming off as doing it for attention so I'm just annoying them with my problems which they might not recognize as serious as I feel they are, I even feel guilty when I message my friends for support, but know if I didn't, I'd lose my mind without any sort of help. 

Mecember Day 10

I am huge narcissist. What? Didn’t I say I hate myself in the last post? Why, yes, yes I did. I certainly get very, and even overly, proud of myself quite often and remind myself that I am pretty talented for someone so young. Why else would I call this “Me”-cemember. I mean, come on: drawing, writing books, writing films, writing poetry, writing songs, singing, directing movies, editing, my list goes on. Shut up narcissist, no one wants to hear you brag.

Mecember Day 9

I may come off as a very “love yourself” kind of person who is a narcissist, but let’s be honest: I deal with a lot of self-hate. I am a huge critic on myself and hate on myself for a lot of things. I even hate on myself for self-pity and for feeling like I don’t deserve to be upset so I should stop crying. Then I cry more because I am crying and shouldn’t be. And the cycle goes on.