May 3, 2014 Saturday 1:02 pm
Last night/this morning was the first time I experienced self-pity and self-hat didn't accompany it. I didn't hate myself for feeling bad for myself. I felt so unloved and unappreciated. Invisible. I felt like the only way to be noticed in this house is to have a mental disorder. My parents don't push me to do anything like they do/did my sisters. I was supposed to get glasses but we waited so long that my prescription is expired. I took (and failed) my first permit test the day before the first day of school and was told I could retake it in a week, well the school year's almost over and no one's taken me to do the test again. Also, no one has sat down to look at colleges with me. They mention that they want me to go to a college, maybe a community college like Ohlone (even though I REALLY want to go to a Film School) but it's way to late to apply to colleges now (except for Film Schools, you have to apply to them a little bit before they start). It's like they don't care. Last night/this morning after Bunny's outburst, I heard my dad go check up on Cat, but not me. What about me? I do so much shit for Bunny and I'm probably the one who get bullied most by her and is most affected by not only what she says and does, but by everyone in this whole goddamn family. We're all fucking fragile in this house, and I might be the most fragile, but I cover my cracks with makeup so they'll never know. I have become invisible because I hate when Cat and Bunny throw their childish tantrums and get their fucking way, and I want to do that too, but the things they do and say when they're in that state make me feel like shit and I can't put anyone through that. It's my fault my family doesn't know all my outbreaks and meltdowns and breakdowns and problems and issues. And they'll never know how fucked up I am, or that last night/this morning I cried myself to sleep with these thoughts, or how hurt I am, that I am crying as I'm typing this right now, that I have so much negative things to say and what the poem I wrote in 1-5 minutes at 2 am today means. I can't do it because I've been ruined. I can't trust Cat's liability anymore and I hate to not be able to believe her on everything even when they're dead serious issues. I want to go to Cat's family therapy at her new PhP program and read this entry but I couldn't because then I'd be the center of attention, but I want to so bad. Believe me. I'm in so much mental and physical pain right now and it's not just because I happen to be PMSing right know. This pain plagued me for most of my life. IT hurts. It HURTS. Ittrwewpne=wnDæ…I did a photo shoot of different forms of negative self-talk, I realized that I am 7 out of 10 of them. I am Bitterness because, while I'll never hate them, I can certainly hate all the bullshit my family does. I am Discourage because I often feel like I'm falling behind in school and like I can't solve the simplest of problems, and Bunny certainly doesn't help with me feeling like an idiot. I am Jealousy because my sisters are more problematic and less mature than I am yet they get far more attention and I have no mental disorder like two of them or my ma or close friend. I am Judged because I constantly feel judged by my family and classmates but try to ignore the thoughts of my school and be expressive but I feel like I can't really be me in front of Bunny. I am Self-Destructive, not in body, but in mentality because I often hate and downgrade myself and put myself in worse situations than I was before. I am Self-Hate because I go threw cycles where I can't stand who I am and can't stand feeling bad for myself 'cause I don't have problems like everyone else and I don't deserve to feel bad and I am pathetic and can't do anything right. I am Self-Pity because even though I hate feeling bad for myself, maybe I do get that little time where I feel like the biggest victim of all and I deserve all the attention I've been deprived of. It's not fair It's not fair it;s not fair itn'st not fair [tu niot fair…
I mentioned a poem, here it is. It's called Fragile Dolls
Four dolls were made
All beautiful and painted
Sisters of porcelain
The first doll was bought
Put on a shelf and adored
Never knew a crack to her exterior
Three dolls remained
All different but fragile
And fragile dolls crack
The second doll would crack badly
She'd show off her cracks and scream
Then they would disappear as though they never exist
Three dolls remained
All dealing with fragility
Two frightened and bothered by the second
The third would get cracked
She'd show off her cracks and cry
Then denied she ever did worse
Three dolls remained
All faced with a fragile frame
Two in a world of their cracks
The fourth doll would crack but would cover her cracks with makeup
So no one knew she was in need of care
And thus she became invisible
Three dolls remained
All plagued to be fragile
Two warped with attention
One hating to be like them but wishing she could
Obviously the dolls represent my sisters and myself. It goes in order of age, since Bear was married and miss happy-go-lucky, she was bought and adored. Bunny is the second doll who complains about everything and screams about it. Cat is the third who throws tiny tantrums and get very snippy then goes around saying that she doesn't get angry. And I am that fourth doll, need I explain?
Bitterness
Discouraged
Envy/Jealousy
Judged
Self-Destruction
Self-Hate
Self-Pity
