Life Gets Tough, My Dear, You Just Need To Keep Going

09/13/2016

Spirit Halloween 

09/14/2016

115lbs 

09/17/2016

Well that's annoying. Found out the duvet I ordered was actually a duvet cover =_= oh well. I just ordered a comforter (with a discount code) for $48.24 that sorta matches my sheets. It's ridiculously hard to find a comforter or duvet being sold just on its own and not in a set. Guess I should have looked at Hot Topic more. 

09/21/2016

I think I want to up my dose for Zoloft. I have been feeling "the blues" quite a bit and a tad of anxiety, mainly social, I think. 

I just saw Travis on campus. He must be heading over to pick up Erika. He didn't seem to notice me cuz he was looking at his phone for the most part. We practically walked past each other and I have frickin rat ears and a steampunk outfit...dumbass. When Erika and Travis were walking back this way, and I had to get my scissors back from her, I didn't say anything to him, didn't even wave, all I did was talk to Erika a little, wish her a good day, hugged her goodbye, and glanced over at him for a split second as I began to turn around (he was in my eye's direction as he was standing next to her) then walked away. I wonder if he realizes anything. I wonder if it hurt him for me to hardly acknowledged him and hug Erika. I wasn't trying to hurt him, but I wonder if it did. I wonder if he was confused. Erika has probably told him that I have issues with him or something, I don't know. Maybe he asked he if something was up with me, after they left the area. Hmm, I wonder, if Travis says something to Erika about how I just treated (or more of lack-of-treated) him, if he'll do that and if it'll put a gap in my friendship with her. He's such a drama queen, though. He'll probably say I was trying to start drama. Me being the dramatic one by literally doing nothing. Sure I hugged his girlfriend in front of him. But, I mean, he DID invite 2 different people literally RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME to a party and not invite me. I'm not upset he did that to me, but that's just such a douchey thing to do. When it comes to people hurting or creeping me out, I don't think of how it affects me but how it'll affect someone else they could potentially do that too. And it bothers me that someone feels that they can treat others that way. You could do it to someone other than me and I'd be more pissed. I now I shouldn't waste a thought on him, so I won't. And I feel childish for blocking him, so I've unblocked him like I did Erika. If he starts shit, he'll find out that he's messed with the wrong person. 

I'm not surprised people think I have OCD, especially my friends who have it themselves. I over analyze a lot of my work and allow it to distract as I further the depths of things. I'm very particular about the order of how I have my stuff and it greatly disturbs me when the order is disturbed. I research facts for my stories that I don't even need too, but I can't help it. I feel like I HAVE too. 

I temporarily had photoshop inactive for me to use, but I got it back, thankfully. I was temporarily halted from work, but I can get right to it again now. 

09/22/2016

I had been so upset with myself. During my class, I couldn't find the right key's. I can't. Years and semesters of practice and tutoring, and yet it's the hardest thing in the world for me still. I felt like I was the weakest link in the chain. In my mind, I'm upsetting and annoying my classmates and singing partners because I am not nearly as good as them. I'm embarrassed. Right after class, I had planned to talk to my teacher, but she was busy, so instead I went into the bathroom, which I needed to use anyway, I cried my eyes out in the stall as quietly as I could while sending this message to my teacher: "Am I bringing the rest of the group down? I feel like I don't have the skill to be doing this and it's embarrassing. I feel like I'm annoying those around me and not letting the group be it's full potential. Should I just come back at a later time when I've improved if that happens? I don't think I have the talent for this and I really don't want to be a bother or slow the others down. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm being insecure, but I do have a good reason to be. It's like I'm way behind the rest and out of league. I'm so tired and frustrated with myself constantly messing up and trying to keep up."

I almost feel like a lost case. Something I'm so passionate about, yet have no talent for. Just like acting and modeling. Later, I had wanted to be alone and sat at a table while waiting an hour or so to get picked up. I began crying again, but because I was wearing my bunny hoodie, it was probably hard to tell. Plus, there weren't really any people around. My Ma picked me up late and after some finished packing and her submitting her homework, we left. Ryan began talking to me, and we eventually got to the topic of my meltdown earlier that day. 

My face hurt from not only crying during the conversation, but from the environment change. I have a very bad reaction when the seasons, temperature, or just setting changes entirely and must apply lip balm and/or Vaseline and whatnot. My hands suffer too, so I have to apply lotion to them as well. 

While sitting alone, crying, I thought how great of a picture that would have been to draw. Maybe I'll get around to drawing it. 

And Let the Trimester Start

09/01/2016

I’m sitting in class, but on the way here in the car I already started feeling it. My Ritalin is acting up like it did on the first day. Is this the result of either not eating enough or feeling anxious? It’s probably anxiety. I feel it through my veins. I feel my heart racing. Maybe I’m a little dehydrated. Drinking water has helped quite a bit. I hope I’ll do fine in Fitness while feeling this way. Maybe activity is what I need.

Heheh, sorta had my MiA (Murder in America) professor recognize me from my interactions with Ryan in front of him.

reminders to suggest: Cabaret, Voltaire, A Monster in Paris, barbershop quartet

09/05/2016

There's a smell of carrion from below the house where Gypsy often hid. It's possibly her. Bunny said she should have never been put outside. She either didn't know I did it, or wanted to guilt me. All I can do is hope it's not her, but it probably is. All I wanted was to help her. I tried putting up with her disaster, but she had been ruined in the learning process by my sister. It was no way to live. And now she might not be living anymore. I originally took her into my room because Luna was constantly hurting her. Gypsy is possibly dead, and it's partially my fault. I couldn't help her, instead I threw her out. I thought it would be what's best. I thought she would be fine. I last saw her maybe Fourth of July weekend. I had hoped that the cat lady took her in. Wishful thinking. But then what smells like carrion underneath the house? I don't know how long the smell has been there, I haven't smelled it from upstairs. When Bagera died, we only found out after finding a trail of ants, meaning he had been dead for a while. She could have been hiding under there for a while and then eventually died and then the smell finally came. I don't know. It could be a raccoon or skunk since those have been habitants of either our backyard it underneath the house, but what if it's Gypsy? What if it's Gypsy and I let her down, and Cat, and myself? I don't think Cat even knows we put her outside. But I can't help to blame her. She took in this cat, neglected her, raised her unhealthily, and then leaves her behind. My Ma didn't want any new pets in the first place. After how Cat's last few pets died...and she gets a new one. Yes, pets are good to help depression, but depression is bad to raise pets. I hate talking about her this way, feeling high and mighty because my pet is still alive, but it's true. Her room was in awful condition, and thus was her cat.  Her state of mind was in the wrong place. She could hardly take care of herself, let alone another living creature. And I know it's not fully her fault because of her depression, but she was the one who would skip her pills, miss appointments, complicate things. A compulsive liar and kleptomaniac, my best friend but not so great influence. Would bite off my head if said the wrong thing, but I would never want to lose her and stood by her side so often. She shared so many of her deep dark secrets, I can't even tell my friends and lovers some. I can't even tell our psychiatrist. And she was well aware that she was a compulsive liar. Not too sure if she'll admit to the kleptomaniac part, but she came to terms with being a liar. We used to be so close, but now I don't want to see her or talk to her, I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong with me. I love her, but I don't want anything to do with her right now. I hadn't told anyone that, but it's true. I get a sinking feeling whenever I hear someone on the phone with her. I don't hate her or feel resentment, I'm not upset with her for leaving, so why do I feel this way? Seems I've spent half an hour just weeping. I should go to bed soon. It's 11:30PM. 

09/06/2016

Lipstick/lipgloss + Bedding = $35

09/11/2016

Ryan's bday gifts $62.90

Last night there was a bit of talk about Gypsy. I was upset of course, but no one realized. Bunny kept saying “We never should have but her out there.” My parents said something like how we put her out there to stop being a problem but she might be the problem (because it might be her corpse that they’re smelling) then those two laughed. It wasn’t funny. I didn’t find it funny. I didn’t want that to happen to her. I still wanted to take care of her while she was outside. Cat messaged me last night: “Can you send me photos of my baby” “I miss her so much” so I turned my ma and asked if Cat knew she was outside, to which she said she told her, so I text back “If you mean Gypsy, I have no clue where she is” 

Cat: “What do you mean?”

Me: "Mom told you, we put her outside”

Cat: "No she didn’t” "How long has she been gone for?”

Me: "Late June”

Now I’m the one that became responsible for telling her. She knew I took Gypsy into my care, into my room, and now she knows I put her out. Sh’s probably getting the wrong idea, she’s probably cursing me out. But she’s the one who left her behind. She’s the one who didn’t take care of her, even when she was here. This can’t solely fall onto me. I wanted to help her. I cared about Gypsy. I felt so bad putting her outside, but it was for what I thought was best. Can I still have that hope?

This upcoming weekend I’m seeing Phantom of the Opera with my parents and Ryan, so that should be fun. It’s his (and his twin's, obviously) birthday this Thursday, so I will make their cakes Wednesday, well, at least his, and then give him his sister’s on Saturday (and possibly make it then), just so he doesn’t have to bring it to work or anything. I actually found the perfect romantic bday card for him today. Of course I’ll also draw my own, but I thought it was really fitting for us. The following weekend I might spend in Arnold/Murphey with my parents. Hopefully stress free :) I believe at a Bed and Breakfast.

I’ve been working almost non-stop on my visual novel, but at least I still am working on my homework/schoolwork. I won’t fall behind, I promise this to myself and my professors and my parents. I need to persevere. But I have been shitty at doing my Mood Journals, hence the fact that I’m doing it WAY different. But I have, however, been doing my planner, so there’s that.

I made pancakes for the second time a couple weeks ago (or was it last week?) and for the third time this week. First time I made pancakes was at work for the boys, they were just normal pancakes. Second time had chocolate chips. This time was chocolate chips and cinnamon. It made me happy cuz the boys (my lover and my brother-in-law) told me they were good <3 I made myself a special giant one XD

I think the sad part about typing my thoughts is the lack of drawing. I used to draw in my mood journals, but that was impossibly hard to read. =.=

So I started my period today…FUN…oh well. 

Oh yeah, so Ryan had made a suggestion that for my first tattoo I get it around my ribcage area which made me think to put it where the heart is from the side with a bit of the ribcage and heart tattooed with it so it has a meaning to it. “You can make it through another day.” Where the heart and lungs meet, protected by my ribs, engraved in my bones and blood and soul. My source of life to keep living.

I’m worried that I might be receding into a form of depression ever so slightly. Old dishes and molding food in my room, laundry that still needs to be hung, an unclean litter box…stuff like that.

So it’s seeming possible that my nail might fall off, I feel tempted (being an impulsive person), just to take it off myself when the time is right. You know, do it on my terms instead of it randomly falling off at an inopportune time.

I have began talking to Erika again and we're cool. Luckily Travis isn't around this trimester. It started the second week of school I believe. We just started talking like nothing ever happened, she said it made her happy. It's hard to not want to tell her to get out of a relationship with Travis to shit talk him and tell her about his flirting. Oh well. If problems ensue, I shall act, but for now, I won't muddy the water of our friendship when it's not by the dirt.

Mood Journal {Do Family Dinners Ever End?}

Day: August 28 Sunday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: waffles 10:05AM

-Noon: 

-Night: 5:50PM Greek food

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 2PM-9:40 parents and Bear and Erick 4:30-9:30 Ryan 5:30PM-9:05PM family dinner

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams:

Sleep: 1:05AM-6:10AM 6:25AM-9:10AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I started to get pretty hyper by the end of the night, but I had a good time. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes 

NOTE TO READERS: so this might be the last mood journal, but that doesn't mean this is my last journal or posting. I'll just be submitting my writings like my old ones. All the stuff I put in my mood journals like sleep, eating, etc are being put into my Mood Planner.

Mood Journal {My Hair is Ready}

Day: August 27 Saturday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: oysters and waffles 10:55AM

-Noon: chicken, salmon, and rice 3:05PM

-Night: surf and turf 8:20PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 12:05PM-1:10PM hair appointment 2PM-12:40AM Ryan

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 1:35AM-5:05AM 6:15AM-9:45AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I was planning to invite Lily out with Ryan on Saturday all week, but I completely forgot. My hair is all Halloween-y now. I was just touching it up for school, but decided to put some purple over the pink. 

Shopping Spree: hair, school bags, lyft

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Last Days Can Be Strange}

Day: August 26 Friday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: pop tart 9:15AM

-Noon: ramen X2 12:45PM

-Night: 8:35PM seafood

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 9AM-2PM boys I babysit 

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 11:15PM-2:40AM 2:45AM-4:05 4:10AM-6:15AM 6:30AM-8AM (nap 5:15PM-7:55PM)

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: It felt so strange leaving my work knowing it was the last day. I worked with them for almost a whole year, so they had sort of become part of my life and routine. Oh well, that's how it goes. They gave me flowers as a goodbye present, so that was sweet of them. Oh, so a YouTuber saw my VN and is going to play it. I don't know if it'll be put on his channel, but that's pretty cool anyway. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: 

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {And the Illness Spreads}

Day: August 25 Thursday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: pop tart 9:45AM egg sandwich 11AM

-Noon: pot pie 2:35PM

-Night: pizza 6:10PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 9AM-1:50PM boys I babysit

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 12:20AM-2:15AM 2:25AM-4:15AM 4:20AM-6:45AM 7AM-8:30AM

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: I finally completed the intro of my visual novel, so I took what I had and turned it into a demo. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: The Illness Called Love

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: The Illness Called Love 1.0 Demo

Did you take your medicine?: yes

Mood Journal {Get a CPAP and Lose Hallf a TV}

Day: August 24 Wednesday 2016

Certain Emotion on Time of Day: 

Weather: 

What I Ate

-Morning: turkey and egg sandwich 10:30AM

-Noon: 

-Night: chicken and rice 8:20PM

-Snack: 

Menstrual: 

Who was I with: 8:35AM-2:20PM kids I babysit 3PM-3:30PM appointment

When was I alone: 

Stressors [depressed]: 

Contributors [happy]: 

Dreams: 

Sleep: 12:20AM-4AM 4:15AM-7:15AM (nap 6:15PM-8PM)

Moon Phase: 

Illness: 

What I feel: My TV has been broken since I got it, being unstable to hold it up straight, it had even fallen over on its own a few times. Well, today, when I was putting my Cpap in my bed, it fell down and completely lost its stand. Whoops. Oh yeah, got my Cpap. Hopefully it'll help. 

Shopping Spree: 

Started Projects: 

Continued Projects: The Illness Called Love

Canceled Projects: 

Finished Projects: 

Did you take your medicine?: yes