It makes me sad how little I journal nowadays, so I'm going to write an entry because I feel like I really need it. Like, a lot. And it's been forever since I've seen my therapist, and I'll be seeing her tomorrow and it makes me so happy because I need that. But, there's this fear that it won't do much, that I won't get advice I need, I probably will, but won't process it right and change nothing.
What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck have I gotten myself into. At this rate I might fail my acting and math (maybe piano too) class this semester. I shouldn't have taken so many classes. Why'd I do this? I'm wasting my parents' money if I fail. And I'm wasting my time and my teachers' and classmates' time.
Why am I finding it hard to do my fucking math and acting homework? And why do I find it so fucking hard to "find time" to practice piano?
I technically played hooky for piano one day 2 weeks ago, and for acting yesterday. Since my acting teacher is always checking on us, I had emailed him telling him I wasn't feeling well, which was true in the sense that I wasn't feeling well enough mentally to handle his class. Funny how my least favorite class this semester is acting. I love to act, doesn't mean I've got to like the classes. I know I miserably failed my math test this morning. And I keep neglecting homework. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
At least I still have it going on in vocal and songwriting, and I think I'll pass my psych class. I'm enjoying those 3 for sure. I'm actually proud of the lyrics I wrote today. They're for optimism. And I'll be allowed to sing an Emilie Autumn song for my final.
How is it that I'm letting myself go? I don't remember the last time I took my pills for my cholesterol and Vitamin D. I'm terrible at remembering to brush my teeth and use my nasal rinse stuff. And my desk is a somewhat organized mess. I keep stacking clean laundry on my dresser (which I get around to eventually). Then there's this mess:
Here's the desk while I'm at it:
All I keep fucking doing is drawing. I need to stop and do what I should be doing like homework. Just stop drawing for pete's sake.
It's a new addiction. I think it's because I have an audience now. I never drew THIS much before.
I could at least do some writing. Make money.
Still no fucking liscene or permit. Fuck.
Just ramble on and on and on and on and on and just fuck it. fuck it fuck it fuck it
I'm not always so verbally vulgar, I swear.
WIP of the bridge/rap from my song:
"Just how do you spit beautiful words onto a blank page
Just how do you find the brightness in a dark day
When all seems lost
Just how much will it cost?
To buy back your soul
Or decide to let it all go
Finding it hard not to cry
When it seems you fail every try
One day you’ll be able to love who you love
One day you can show them what you’re made of
The strength lies deep inside
Even in a clustered twisted mind
So please don’t give up the fight
Just make it through the night
Because there’s always tomorrow
Yea there’s always tomorrow, right?"
Part of the reason I'm dreading going to acting is the lack of homework I've done. I know my teacher is going to talk about it with me, so I'll go tomorrow and tell him the truth. Even if I cry, embarrass myself, get in trouble, I'll do it. There's no excuse. But when I pull up that page, and even when I know exactly what to say, there's just something in me that makes me go blank and says I can't. So I stop. Leave it open to remind myself to do it later. See it and do nothing. Hate myself for it each time I see it. And keep on burrowing these burning emotions.
"Laughing at the pain is the only way to survive it." Something a friend of mine said about those of us with a dark sense of humor. I really liked this quote. It really hit me.
