5:49 pm Thursday 13 November 2014

5:49 pm Thursday 13 November 2014

I don't know. I guess I'm feel depressed and like I don't like myself and feel like a talentless, idiotic hak. 

I'm just...I've been struggling with the fact that I'm a bad singer when for a majority of my life I thought I was good. Same with acting. 

I also want to do a photoshoot with my 10 year old cousin for a winter issue for a magazine. She was going to be a cute little snow/ice princess (blonde hair, white dress, white makeup, etc.) and I was going to be the darkness princess (black hair, black dress, black makeup, etc.) because it gets darker in winter and it's dark during a snow blizzard. But now I'm feeling like the idea is really stupid. I tried asking Cat if she thought it was stupid, but all she did was ask, "why do you have to always be in the photos?" Umm...I don't know, 'CAUSE I WANT TO BE A MODEL. I hate being the photographer. 

But now I feel shitty and not pretty and not smart and not at all talented in anything and I just am lying on the floor trying not to cry loudly. I hate being pathetic and weak like this.

I'd like if someone from my family would say I'm a good singer. None of them ever had. Never. I feel like if your family was to say something about your talent it's a little more valid since they've known you your whole life and it's even more valid if strangers back it up.

I've just been feeling depressed since I got home I guess. I didn't want to really do anything. Just lay around. Also my appetite is almost nonexistent. I just want to do nothing but cry. I don't

Pppoufphcybnnuh

I feel like I'm not very creative. Like I'm going to get nowhere as an author. Or film maker. I feel like I'm a bad writer. 

I have so much passion but no talent to back it up.

I'm not even a good artist. 

I think I shall design my next emotion protayal. My self-loathing and talentlessness. Her design is scratching at my brain. 

Meet Hollow. She is a portrayal of some of my emotions. She is my inner sociopath (I'm not a sociopath, but I feel like I might sometimes), my indifference, and a bit of my cruelty. She is, above all, my emptiness. When I feel like I can do anything, no matter wrong or cruel it is. When I feel that there is nothing inside me and I'm filled with a black void inside. When someone cries, and I offer a shoulder and will listen, but that shoulder might be rather cold and I will offer no words of comfort, just my ear. And yes, that is a Pinhead (from Hellraiser) quote.

Meet Chip. She is a portrayal of some of my emotions. She is my inner placater, my optimism, my innocence, and kindness. The part of me that shares the sweets and takes on others sour. My love for anything cute. 

Meet Babydoll. She is a portrayal of some of my emotions. She is my artificialness, my longing to be like others, my low self esteem, and my curiosity. Feeling impulses to be different and dress differently is actually harder than thought to be. I have my times where I wish I'd just knock it off and be like others. When I just want to shut myself up and lock up my mind because I wonder how anyone can stand who I am. But ever so worried that I'd lose myself.

I'm not sure what my self-loathing depression's name is yet. I'm sure it'll come to me. Same as the others and their design.